The Age Post

So I'm finally going to cash in on the long awaited age post--thanks for the reminder Heather!

Hub and I just returned from a trip down to our home town---that was equal parts comforting and restoring. However the time BEFORE that a few weeks ago, definitely had me thinking about age--as in recognizing that we (my friends and I) aren't exactly the spring chicks that we used to be (not that most of us were ever the type to really think that anyway.....). Last time I drove home was a solo trip and as I drove into town I stopped for gas and a quick bite to eat from Taco Bell (do as I say, not as I do health students....). My first reminder of the fact that I've actually "made it" into a different age category in life occurred when I stopped for gas and asked the 20yo attendant how he was that particular night. He responded with a smile that he was" young and broke"....and I had to pause for a second, evaluate my life, and then respond with "yes, I remember those days...." The second stop through the drive through also made me pause when I realized just how incredibly young 15-16 years old looks these days, as I drove through the drive thru window.

This particular trip home I met one of my high school best friends for breakfast and we chatted about all things: life, love, work....and the pursuit of all of the above. One thing we also tend to chat about these days is age....as in the fact that we now actually are given respect in our jobs and younger students seem to grant more authoritative power with age. We no longer necessarily have to prove ourselves in our jobs, as we've finally reached an age where people seem to expect that we do actually know what we are doing. This trip also took me back to my old high school for a local fundraising event where I again re-gained perspective on what 16 actually looks like and saw many of my former students already legally able to drink. Trips home can almost always put age into perspective.

My gal and I have also talked about the addition of a few wrinkles and some extra pounds..of which I now have a few more implications of age under my eyes. But in reality, while many of my friends are bemoaning turning 30---this year I'm feeling much more welcoming of this particular birthday. 25 was incredibly difficult for me, but 30 I am attempting to embrace.....and these are some of the reasons why:

While not everything in life is perfect and I still have moments of 16yo insecurity, I am actually quite happy with many aspects of my life as I head into 30. I can run farther and swim longer continuously as I head into 30 than I could at 18. I've come to realize that my body has never been capable of a truly flat stomach, but I can embrace where it is at and for the most part feel comfortable in a two piece. I'm proud of maintaining and improving upon my physical health as my age has increased rather than allowing the reverse to occur. As I head into 30, I'm more comfortable in my role in my family. I've provided how I could and recognize the importance of my family connections, while also finally recognizing that my family doesn't have to define or 100% truly accept me. As I head into 30, I'm thankful for my chosen career path and the occupations that have allowed me to get to where I am. My resume and education is solid enough that I feel comfortable in my chosen areas.....and I'm incredibly fulfilled in my chosen field. I feel fortunate to have studied and received degrees in areas that are practical and yet also passions of mine. At 30, I see the connections I've maintained throughout my life and new connections developing all the time, and I feel so fortunate for my friends, colleagues, and aquaintances who continue to be ever present in my life. As I head into 30, I also continue to recognize that while I don't give Him enough credit....so much credit is truly due to the one who has guided my life through all of my good and bad choices....allowing me to arrive (mainly) settled where I am...and yet knowing He will continue to provide in the moments and years ahead.

So when there's so much good about 30......how can one bemoan the passing of another decade? Especially as I'm in a stage where I'm ready to embrace that which the 30s can offer. So while I still have months before the official transfer occurs....cheers to the next decade ahead! May it offer each of us more moments of beautiful, more opportunities to give, more moments of complete forgiveness, and plenty of fulfillment. :)

Life: Both a Cluster...and Yet Beautiful

Sometimes parts of life....are hard. Sometimes you realize yet again that things are missing. Sometimes you realize (again) that the promises you meant to keep....might not actually be kept. Sometimes areas of life seem painfully sad....and less than hopeful. And sometimes stubbornness continues to reign its head. Sometimes one needs to actually take the time to stop and think and listen and realize that what everyone else is saying....does have truth. And sometimes it's hard to think about potentially shutting a door, even when one knows that door has already been half shut. Sometimes one gets tired of thinking and talking and answering questions about the same old, same old, no change game. And sometimes you just need a break. And sometimes one needs to realize that asking someone to change who they are in their core is probably a no-win outcome. Sometimes you don't know which is worse.....being kept in a corner or being independently solo...again.

And yet sometimes, there's nothing as gratifying as a few moments of walking in a back yard. Of seeing green shoots and watching thick ladies sit on eggs. Of scratching, shedding dogs or snoozing, comfortable cats. Sometimes there's nothing as satisfying as a cup of tea in one's favorite flowered mug or the smell of work coffee wafting from a cup. Sometimes there's nothing like throwing one's self into work---finalizing projects and discussing pertinent issues with those who make academic decisions. Sometimes you recognize that the benefits you bring to those you work with, also want to be bestowed back upon you. And sometimes there's patience to be gleaned from waiting on PR phone calls from New York and working with community partners. Sometimes waiting for hours for maintenance issues to be completed is just the forced reprieve one needs. Sometimes the biggest smiles come from catching dogs snout deep in chicken feed or from multiple viewings of tickled penguins. Sometimes even though you realize it could potentially just be a lost cause, you relish every kiss, every touch, every look...as they're finally brought back into rotation. And sometimes you continue to wait with guarded heart and limited hope, because what you've hoped beyond hope for days and months and years seems to be considered unreasonable and unmet.

But in every gray cloud there continues to be elements of silver linings and who knows that better than those of us who live here in Oregon? And behind every winter always arrives spring..followed but the bounty and beauty of summer.

Authenticity Might Cause Strife

I've been reading the desire for increased honesty, openness, and authenticity throughout many other blogs in the last two days, and several have shared how at times they too censor their thoughts and/or postings so as not to offend readers. At times I've toyed with privatizing my blog so I can more freely post my thoughts, and then I laugh at the irony of how this blog was never supposed to become so personal but rather be a method to expose others toward a different way of living. So I'm not going to lie because this post might offend some who I hold dear because I want to write about....family--what it means to me, how it differs, and the primary family value that I hold most dear. (Censoring on this topic tends to occur because I have a tendency to be more blunt....so please, know that no injury is ever intended as thoughts flow out of my heart and mind.)

Now let me make it clear: I absolutely LOVE my related family. I feel incredibly fortunate to have been raised by my parents, who so deeply instilled within my siblings and myself a sense of individualism and independence. Without the two of them, I never would have been encouraged to so freely be myself and I never would have learned of the immensity of unconditional love. I enjoy my varied relationships with my siblings, and while each of us is incredibly different than the other three, I seriously wouldn't have us any other way. During the most recent half of my life, my extended family on both sides has taught me numerous lessons, and those that I interact with in my extended family most frequently bring me moments of laughter.

I'm also blessed with a family of friendships: my high school best girl who I consider to be my sister of choice based on a history full of both love and strife. And a handful of others who have been or were similar to surrogate cousins. And this is where a major difference comes in when it comes to my choice of friends: I'm incredibly selective in who I let in because I'm incredibly loyal once a friend transitions into my family circle.

As mentioned before, one of the hardest aspects of moving home this year was the idea of transitioning back into a larger family, although this is something I transitioned through once before as a child. Being raised in a military family, we were used to creating surrogate relationships wherever we were and our parents taught us to foster relationships with each other, with ourselves, and with our friends. People in our church became surrogate aunts & uncles. Our older neighbors were surrogate grandparents, and I, at least, fought like cats & dogs with some of my childhood friends as they become surrogate cousins & siblings. When we moved back to Oregon in my childhood, suddenly I had new aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that I had never really had the chance to know......and at times it was an interesting transition (add on to this the fact that I will finally admit that I was/am a bit of a brat.) It took years for real relationships to develop with some of these relatives, some never did, and others blossomed and later withered. Trying to decipher this larger family image and understand my role in the bigger picture was something I still struggled with in my mid 20s.

Additionally, I generally find that my relationships with my family are different than others I talk to. I come from an immediate family of various ages. I'm closer in age to my two eldest nephews than my sister, but somewhere in my late teens/early 20s I developed great relationships with my two older siblings, while my middle brother had long been one of my dearest friends. I come from a long line of stubbornness, which also led me to stop talking to my maternal grandfather in the few years before his death--although being a stubborn soul himself, it's not something I imagine he held against me. The way I remember my paternal poppa is a different vision than the version I hear most frequently from other members of my family. To me, he will forever be a builder, a dreamer, a lover, a gentle creative soul, a man of quirky dreams, a deep laugh, and a twinkle forever in his eye. It is because of him that I am such a lover of my fellow human and education. Its rare that I talk to my parents or siblings more than 1-2x a month, although this doesn't mean we don't think of each other or deeply love each other. Some of my favorite high school family memories include long political and social conversations between my brother, father, and myself during the dinner hour. My earlier family Thanksgivings were full of moments of family gossip and deep sarcasm. My relationship with my father is incredibly strong and until I got married, I couldn't imagine another man, other than my father and grandfather, ever meaning more to me.

.....and then I got married, and discovered that it was possible to love another male as deeply.  And somewhere in our nine weeks of "courtship" I promised to introduce him to the one and only family value that I hold deeply in my heart: unconditional love. Hub's family life is very different than mine, as when I left Oregon to be with him my ties to my family both extended and immediate were incredibly strong, while hub's ties to his related family were slightly broken and a surrogate family had enveloped him in its place. And in two tumultuous years of total separation from our related and surrogate families, a different relationship based on hub and our furry friends (aka we don't consider our dogs our surrogate children) took its place. There's much that occurred during that time that I chose not to share with 99% of my family & friends, and instead relied on the support of a few and friendships of that newest of surrogate families: my fellow milspouses.

In our conversations about moving home, hub and I had several chats about transitioning into our diverse families and where potential boundaries might need to be implemented. Neither of us had spent much of any time beyond an initial introduction with the other's family, and while hub and I are equally similar and yet different, we come from very different blood and surrogate families. Hub is a private person (so much so that I sometimes feel guilty sharing so freely as of late), where I used to be much more of an open book. Hub has had to grow into a life of complete independence, where I come from an extended family that appreciates elements of codependence. Hub doesn't relish love demonstrated via touch, but I come from a family full of cuddles, arms over shoulders, and hugs. Marriage has brought us into some compromise, but we both attempt to accept the differences that do exist rather than push the other toward conformity.

In the months since our return, I have heard several times on one side the mention of the ways that members of our family should operate. I've felt the suggestion from other sides of family to better fulfill what could be seen as our family duties. I've returned to the internal pressure that I put upon myself to live up to the family expectations....and in so doing have cast over elements that I used to love about myself. And I've realized from other newer family how much I sometimes relish those old moments of myself which include spontaneity, crasness, and appreciation of inappropriate freedom. I've also seen another version of what my family value of unconditional love can look like. The reality is that the basic family value that was engrained in me from both immediate and extended family was that of unconditional love, and that is the one value that I will continue to hold on to and to demonstrate to my husband, to our related family, and to our surrogate family members deep in my heart. Unconditional love doesn't mean it's all rosy and pleasant however, and thus my version may at times be demonstrated differently than expected.

Truthfully the reality that I am continuing to come back to is that hub and I are our own family unit based on our own values, lifestyle, expectations, hopes, and dreams.....and even between the two of this that doesn't always equal out. Neither of us follow a pre-laid plan and both of us tend to desire to buck the expectations placed upon us. But this is the life that we authentically live, even if one of us tends to be better at it than the other. And with that.....here I go, starting to bang my drum! :)

It's a New Year

I've been reading everyone's New Year posts across the blog-o-sphere and via Facebook for several days now and thinking about my own approach to this latest of New Year's. For some reason I've felt some apprehension to 2012 in the last two weeks mixed in with some disbelief that we're this far along already into the 2000's. I find my apprehension to the new year ironic, as many of those who surround me are most hopeful and excited for this newest year. I definitely hope this year brings much fulfillment, peace, and joy to all of those that I love....and really all people the world over, but for some reason I can't help but wildly wonder if 2012 really might bring the zombies out and the end of it all. I guess all I can do is live it to it's fullest and not hold back.....even though not holding back frequently gets me in trouble. ;)

New Years Eve was rang in with much joy surrounded by some of my extended family including my incredibly fun aunt, my brother & his wife, a young soldier visiting from New Orleans, my Canadian friends, and hub. We were quite the mixed bunch but it seriously was one of the most fun NYEs I've had---top five all around even if it couldn't beat out New Orleans last year. Before heading to my aunt's, the soldier, hub, bro & SIL, Canadians, and I went to this incredibly Portland-funky restaurant that serves French fusion/Cajun food. It's where hub & I always take our out-of-town guests to thoroughly expose them to the fun & weirdness of Portland, get some great mixed drinks, and eat some decent grub. The food seems to be hit or miss, and it was pretty entertaining hearing the soldier from New Orleans relate that this "Cajun" food tasted like Chinese food to him. ;) Haha--loved it!

Hub & I weren't sure we'd find anything fun for New Years this year, so it was great that it turned into such a good time, even if my own actions led to an actual first day of the New Year full of frustration and annoyance as thoughts tumbled through my mind. I've spent the day in introspection and I'm hopeful that this means that the rest of the year can only get better! ;) (Although I'm sure just writing those sentences might be like foot in mouth yet again.)

What part of this introspection led me to though is that I am so thankful for many of our blessings, especially for hub's and my friends. I feel incredibly fortunate and blessed that we were able to see so many of our nearest and dearest this holiday season. Starting in November with hub's friend's visit to our house here in Portland and my friend who visited from San Fran, navigating through all of our hometown friends who really are our family, and ending with the New Year's visit from one of my favorite buddy's and his girlfriend (which he's not really Canadian, but she is and he's been there for 8 years so I just link him into it too!). We had so many great moments with our visitors and those that we visited from dinners out, to beach afternoons, to Christmas lights and parties, and to just plain old conversations on couches. Most of these are people we've known since high school. People who have seen us at our best, our worst, all the moments in between, and at times have "taken us in" when the rest of the world pushed us out.

I'm also feeling an immense amount of gratitude for hub, who I more than frequently take for granted. I've mentioned before I'm not easy to live with and I've also mentioned that I frequently navigate between periods of my life of being the B-word and being an incredibly empathetic person. Somehow this man I'm married to continues to put up with me and my daily complaints. Lord knows neither of us are perfect, but I'm much less likely to point out my own faults than his. So here it is I'm putting it in writing, no matter how much he might hate it should he stumble upon it, I'm incredibly proud of the man my husband is now and fortunate that for all the rocky moments that have existed, we've continued to walk forward together. He might never know just how much he extends the hidden elements of myself and for all my harrumphing, he's exactly what I need in a partner and in my daily life. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together, even in the moments that we've doubted that knowledge. The last week or two have only further reminded me of the extra fun and love that hub brings to my life, and how much he and I with our crazy fur crew compose our family unit. I so appreciate his humor, his perseverance, his heart, his strength, his opinions, and most of all his patience. He's continually making me into a different woman than I was, but I also see how our being together has made him into a different man. I have no clue where this marriage and life might take us, but I'm incredibly hopeful that it includes many more supportive, true, and yet humorous moments together.

My thoughts of the day and of the New Year also led me to think about what all this year will and can hold. I feel a resolve to truly embrace and demonstrate who I am. I see this occurring more so within my teaching as I share more of myself and my own thoughts on public health with my students and I see it occurring as I share more of myself on this blog, but I'm also being reminded that there are so many other areas where I'm failing to really bang my drum. I need to stop being afraid of being who I am in this moment of life and time, and to instead embrace her with all her flaws. Although I recognize that sometimes embracing who one is at one point in time can in turn push others away. (Case in point: the happiest year of my life I passed time with some sketchier people through the eyes of some of the others in my life, while I learned more from those friends than I did during many other years of my life, I also lost a few other friends based on who I was associating with---judgment will always be passed and disassociation will always occur....and at times I will also be the one engaging in both of those behaviors.)

So that being said, I want this year to be a year of.....wait for it......simple authenticity. ;) A year of being me and letting others see exactly who that is. A year of embracing and relishing turning 30. A year of re-alignment in jobs. A year of trying to see a bit more of my sister.....and being kinder to my mother. A year of honoring my family: my husband....and my parents. A year of distancing from other individuals and environments. A year of praying more and maybe complaining less. A year of caring for our fellow stranger. A year of love for my friends and trying my darnest to visit two of my dearest out of staters and road trippin' with my high school gals. A year of P90X, summer time hikes, and lots of doggie cuddles. A year of good wine, good coffee, and good brew celebrated over good food and with good people. A year of bucking expectations placed upon hub & I and living true to our own values and means rather than the way others might wish. A year of trying to be a better person but accepting whoever and wherever I am. A year of gratitude and faith in whats to come. A year to prepare and hope for the future. A year of honesty. And a year of forgiving myself if absolutely none of it is achieved. :)

Because truly it might be a New Year but in the good ol' lyrics of Faith Hill:
"Me
That's all I have to give
What you get is what you see, yeah
No second guessing, no pretending
With you, all I ever have to be is me
All I ever need to be, oh yeah
All I ever have to be is me"

Here's to a great, authentic, and fulfilling New Year for you and yours!

Some Moments & Things of Late

I absolutely adore my comfy sweater dresses and a pair of knee-high boots. Sweater dresses are so easy to throw on allowing me steal a few extra minutes of shut eye in the morning AND they seriously feel like I'm wearing pjs to work!

Our high school football team was up here playing last weekend. CHILLY game, but it was a lot of fun watching them play and sitting with some of our hometown friends closer to our own turf. They lost in the last 6 seconds of the play off game which was a bummer, but it was a great experience over all. I even agreed to snuggle down to an additional evening of watching football with hub over the weekend---I'm pretty sure he marked the day on the calendar.

The chickies are incredibly gorgeous ladies--they never really had an awkward ugly stage and instead developed straight into the beautiful feather pattern that currently bear. They also have a beautiful "coo" and a pretty funny warbling noise that sounds a little like a turkey! :)

Poor lil Roxi had her annual shots on Saturday. We took her to Luv My Pet at Petco just like we did with Anna this summer and it went great. Roxi has a tendency to get a tough gal complex when she's on leash, but she actually behaved really well. Looks like she has a bad tooth though that we'll probably have to have extracted soon....

Hub spent an afternoon raking up the entire backyard of leaves.....we woke up the next day to what you see in the above picture covering the back corner of the yard. I'm pretty sure the cherry tree was laughing at him....

Other things of late:

Hub has developed a new found passion for all things flavored pumpkin----we officially have local Umpqua pumpkin pie ice cream in the freezer and then pumpkin spice creamer in the fridge.

I let the cat out of the bag to my gal Heather, but if you're looking for cute cardigans for this fall or as a layering piece anytime of year....look no farther than Target. I have historically had a love affair with the cardigan (which hub despises) and Target has been one of my go-to resources for years. They run large though, so buy smaller.

Hub and I made a Costco run yesterday, which we continue to love. This run was primarily for juice and dog food (although we will probably be switching to large 50 pound bags of "farm dog feed" from our local feed store, as we like the idea of supporting small business and the bag here is paper aka recyclable), but I also snagged the coziest, softest blanket to curl up in during this cold winter......and I finally purchased organic chicken stock so I can hopefully get on to soup and/or chili making....although I've been having hankerings for homemade mac & cheese lately too. You read that right...I actually am wanting to make something again!

I just agreed to switch my teaching schedule slightly in the spring, which gives me one additional credit but also will include lecturing for four straight hours. I'm excited at the idea of moving my twice a week class to once a week, but will be interested to see how that format works for the subject. I'm really enjoying teaching however....

I've been throwing around the idea of studying to become a massage therapist, although I can't decide if I am intrigued for real reasons or if I'm just ready for a completely new direction and challenge. It's a lot of money and a decent amount of time for a potential whim.....must investigate more indepth where these thoughts are coming from, but so far the pros are that it's also part-time, potentially flexible, involves touch & healing, and further connects to my interests in health care.

What have each of you been up to or thinking about lately?!



Cheap Forks & Cinnabon Rolls

This morning I spent five minutes reflecting on cheap forks & cinnabon cinnamon rolls. (Yes, you can officially declare that I'm back to my analytical self!) Last night hub had a hankering for Cinnabon rolls, which we can get at our local Fred Meyer (sort of a one-stop PNW shopping). We went and bought a box of four, which also became our breakfast today. When I warmed mine in the microwave this morning to eat alongside my coffee, I knew that I wanted to eat it with our cheap, college-esque silverware....and here's why:
Remember being a poor college student when paying for a Cinnabon cinnamon roll was a luxury (and the splurge of the month) and the only silverware you had to eat it with was a plastic dorm fork or a cheap, Wal-mart fork variety in whatever locale you were currently living? Well every once in a while I feel it's important to remember those days....and to reflect on where life is now and how much I have become accustomed to the lifestyle we currently have. Sometimes its good to remind ourselves of what was...and to maybe reflect upon how the Cinnabon roll probably tasted a lot better back when it was a splurge......

Life continues to be busy.....and I'm tired.....and whining way more than I ever really want to be. This last week I lectured on stress-prone & stress-resistant personality types and ended by asking my students to reflect upon which type of personality they think I am. Ironically, they reported they think I'm Type B, which is laid back, creative, and a dreamer. Type B is where I strive to be and is why I love the idea of a life based on simplicity....but its not where I currently am. The irony is that I must be doing a good job of still allowing others to see me as being in a Type B state-of-being, which is better than the Type A that I'm quickly becoming again. Type A's are multi-taskers, time-oriented, highly stressed, easily frustrated and angered, rushed, among a host of other traits.

Type A personality means that I'm constantly juggling the different parts of my two jobs and never feeling that I'm able to give the animals enough attention, keep the house & yard picked up and organized, or ever feel completely rested. Type A makes me just want a break and increases my irritability. Both hub and I are realizing we're eating whatever we can easily grab these days and that's not exactly where we want to be. ......Knowing all this reminds me again of why I opted for the more relaxed lifestyle in the first place! :) There will be some changes with the two jobs coming up in June and at that time I'm pretty sure I'll have to make a choice....until then I'm interested to see how the differences in scheduling for the next two terms will pan out. Six more weeks in this term!

Some enjoyable things have happened in the midst of the last two weeks though that have brought smiles to our faces and created some "down" moments when possible.

--Last weekend I took my baby cousin to create her bridal registry--she did a great job of primarily registering just for the basics and it was fun to help her along!

--Last weekend we had one of hub's high school friends in town and per her request were able to take her out on the town. Since it was near Halloween, we got to enjoy some wonderful costumes, good food, and great drinks. This week one of my high school friends is here, splitting her time three-ways. Wednesday night was a long one picking her up from the airport after teaching and catching up in the wee morning hours. She'll also be here on Monday evening and we'll grab dinner at the house of another high school gal. On Tuesday after my morning meeting, I'll get her back to the airport, and then on Friday, hub and I head "home" to spend time with family & at the baby shower of his high school friend. It's been nice to grab a few moments with friends, and it's increased my excitement to see so many others who are flying in from Georgia, Arizona, California, and Canada over the next two months.

--Book Club happened also and it's always such a highlight to my month to spend quality time with these gals. We enjoyed an evening together over chatter, food, and wine, and threw in a bit of convo about my chosen selection "Crossing the Heart of Africa." Since I love Africa and travels, I thought the book was alright, but I'm the first to admit it wasn't the best book club selection. We scheduled out November and December dates and books however, and this month's "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" is A-MA-ZING. In two nights, I'm about 100 pages in and not really wanting to put it down. Who knows---It's already 3pm and no grading or prepping has yet occurred today, so maybe this month's book will get some more reading in! ;)

--New goals & financial pay offs achieved. New bed and mattress were paid off this month, and the ring will be paid in full next week. On Halloween, we also went ahead and bought a new vehicle..... Knowing I wanted a crossover, I've been trying to find the right fit for my wish/need lists and ended up taking a Sorento for a test drive. It had everything I've been wanting, is a top pick by my insurance, and financing all fell into place. Originally I was looking at buying new, but in the end I went with my original values and a 2011 which had been a rental in its previous 1.5 years. The only catch: its a V6 rather than the 4cyl I'd planned to get and my environmentalist side feels a bit guilty. My frugal side is happy, as we got a great purchase price and trade-in on my car, so much so that we could sell our new vehicle and come out ahead. While I had originally intended to pay off our truck first before purchasing something new, the deal we got ended up making it worthwhile and I still plan to have the truck paid off by next summer.

--Donations continue to occur and this year for Christmas I'm planning on a large donation to charity in the name of all of our families rather than purchasing any separate Christmas gifts. I've done this in smaller parts in the past, but this year it will just be one whole she-bang, as giving to others in need and spending TIME with loved ones seems to be more what Christmas is supposed to be about. Through the Center on campus where I work, we plan on doing a donation drive for deployment care packages, so I'll be ransacking our cupboards and book shelves to find what all I can to share. And the campus is also participating in a large book drive that is being sent to a local corrections center--so I continue to purge our bookshelves for that. If anyone is local and has used books you'd like to donate, let me know!

--And in the midst of the madness, hub and I seem to be trucking along. I'm not an easy person to live with when stressed, and we've definitely had some rough patches in the last six months for more fundamental reasons. Yet, at times in the midst of the chaos of late, it feels like our underlying care for each other continues to grow & develop. Hub always handles stress amazingly well (he's more of the "Survivor Personality" type) and most days he's being a wonderful support for me. Case in point: the other day I came home Hangry (hungry & angry/frustrated). I had a hankering for our favorite pub with solid food & good beer, which hadn't come to fruition earlier in the day. The minute I shared this with hub, he loaded me into the car no questions asked and drove me to "our" pub. We ordered food, shared about our days, and hub even picked up the check. We then came home to get ready for bed and spent a solid hour in laughter. It was the perfect ending to a somewhat-frustrating day. These are the moments I live for and the ones that go unforgotten. 

Right now in this moment, hub's off to the store with the dogs happily in tow, Major's curled up purring on my lap, good coffee's been enjoyed, texts with friends have been shared.....and while no work has yet to be completed today, it feels fulfilling in its own right. Some days I need to remember to give myself a break and realize that somehow, someway all the details will get completed in their own accord.

My wish for each of you is for slow, happy, enjoyments of your own---today and all days throughout this fall and holiday merriment to come!

And Full Swing Continues

At this point I'm pretty sure that June and July were months of hesitation because August was going to be packed! So many amazing things this month and also some incredibly trying times too.

Our whirlwind trip with our friends from Chicago was packed and full of minimal hours of sleep. It was amazing to have them here and our two hubs were seriously ecstatic to spend so much time together. Beyond floating the river, we also took them over to the family beach house:

Their week trip wrapped up with a trip to Multnomah Falls and dinner out at one of our favorite funky Cajun restaurants here in the PNW. They both appear to be PNW converts, even if they have to stay living in the windy city.

The week during their stay included a breakfast with another visiting friend and was the bridal shower for my gal N, which went off wonderfully well. The food, decor, guests, and games all intermingled well, and it was wonderful to see the bride-to-be feel the love and appreciation from all of us in her life. She's an amazing woman who gives so freely to others and has dedicated her life to helping other people improve their situations, thus it was a total honor to be able to coordinate an event to let her know how much people adore and respect her for who she is and for who she will become. That week also marked the completion of my online training.

The end of that whole week marked a difficult time emotionally for me, as several realizations about my own life situation and marriage took place. Somewhere in there I celebrated my 29th birthday, marked by an entire day of purposely doing just about absolutely nothing. Hub was wonderful due to the fact that amidst his own frustrations and hesitations, he did still shower me with respect and care. This year he made a carrot cake that included coconut maple cream cheese frosting and took me out to dinner for sushi. The year 28 transitions easily into 29.

After a few days in which I needed to be present in Portland still, I attended my volunteer training session for the Portland to Coast event, met up with my bride-to-be for some good conversation and wedding related shopping, and then stopped by Granny's for a few hours on my way out of town to my parents. And let me tell you---a few days on the coast attending church, socializing with some of my dearest high school pals, a further drive down the coast to visit with another like-family gal and her kiddos, and love and support from Mom and Dad is all enough to mend one's soul and strengthen one's resolve and pride. Late night conversations with two of my dearest gals curled up on a bed just like we were 16 again did much to restore my belief in life time friends and in the beauty, compassion, vision, and pride in myself. These are the types of moments that Hollywood lives for and that we're lucky to have appear in our normal existence. After four days at home, I headed back to attempt to make my own house again feel like a home.

This last week has been filled with date-like moments with the hub among a whirlwind of other events. We hosted our neighbors for dinner. Wednesday was the last teaching session of the summer and this Wednesday is the final exam. Thursday I interviewed for the new part-time position, was offered the job on Friday, and I start training tomorrow. Thursday evening was the first book (& wine) club and it lived up to every bit of my hopes and expectations (even if I didn't quite finish all 500 pages of The Help). I am loving this group of gals and hope that the ties continue to grow over the coming months. Friday the hub and I spent a great afternoon downtown together which included buying him new (locally produced from Keen) hiking boots, checking out potential new beds and mattresses (Ikea was not a good idea on that account), and concluded with happy hour at Jake's Crawfish (AMAZING drinks and cheap, delish food). Saturday was filled with a full day's float down the Clackamas River with my family, hub's friend, and another couple friends of my cousins. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (we just finally broke 90 degrees for the first time this summer), and I ended the day with a girls dinner out with a visiting friend and her other Portland gals.

Amongst the craziness, my visit home left me restored and for the first time in a long time, I went to church two weeks in a row. Hub and I attended a new church last evening with my cousin and her husband. Spiritually he and I are in different places, but for the first time in a long time I walked out of a new church service feeling like I could be at home there. One thing I've been coming to realize is how difficult it can be to remain steadfast in the midst of uncertainty and newness, yet there are definitely some places I'd like to get back to, even if they are just places and values that are deep inside of me. I'm constantly in awe of God's provision this summer, as each time we've started to feel any sort of a pinch financially, a new financial opportunity has presented itself. Amongst the uncertainty I keep remembering to give and it seems that God continues to provide. I've started to pray again, a bit more regularly, and while I feel that my life is maybe in a period of editing and revision, I am hopeful that some of my old tendencies and beliefs will be returning. Especially as life heads even more into a period of full swing.

If there's one thing that most of you long-term readers have probably noticed, its that my blog gets really quiet when my internal life and thoughts become uncertain. So much for authenticity, eh? :) Although that's probably as authentically me as possible--pull it in and pull it home til it greats straightened out again. Please know that all of you regular readers (that I'm aware of) and friends, were definitely crossing my heart and mind in the interim---hope that y'all have been well!

Today....

....feels like a beautiful day.

Some things I'm loving:

--Finally sun-bathing on the back deck again yesterday afternoon.

--An enjoyable and fulfilling afternoon/evening conversation with hub yesterday.

--Coconut popsicles and Coconut coffee creamer (yes, I'm STILL on my coconut kick!)

--Saturday morning low-cost pet vaccinations from LuvMyPet and a new purple collar for Anna so people might actually know that she's a girl...

--The garden: A bowl full of marionberries, a handful of bush beans, bags of lettuce, hoards of rhubarb, tasters of blueberries, and the beginnings of zukes, squash, pumpkins, tomatoes, and other yummies.

--A Thursday evening out with friends at Montage (cajun food in the PNW). Food wasn't as great as we remembered, but the drinks and the company were perfect. In the bar after dinner, we half-participated in a game of hosted trivia, and dinner conversation covered everything from basic tid bits, to documentary reviews and suggestions, the current state of environmental and maternity affairs, sports debate, and hiking suggestions--making me so glad to be back amongst friends in the PNW. Friend's boyfriend is new to the PNW and hub and him got along well, so here's hoping the four of us can make a regular venture out for food and convo.

--Visits with cousins--an evening advice & catch-up session with one and an afternoon tour & chat with another at her home. Nice to spend a little time back with family.

--Checking off items on my to-do list for work and business.

--The sound and smells of the neighborhood: sprinklers in the evening and afternoon BBQs. The whistles from the high school football field with their summertime practices.

--Two dogs lazing next to the couch and a black cat curled up by my feet.

--A scheduled first Book Club meeting next month and the start of scheduling for the new public health discussion group.

--Completed professional observations (even if I did stress myself into sweaty feet, major cheek break-outs, and a few extra cortisol induced inches along my waist line...). ;)

--And the best thing of the month: hub constructed me a work space/desk out of a spare closet. It's the perfect amount of space for me and now I have a spot for passed course work, this term's notes, old text books, bills, etc. It's seriously perfect and absolutely wonderful---I love functional, simple gifts best of all...

Some things settling upon my soul:

--Excitement for babies, near and far.

--Five and ten year plans (in pencil)...

--Thoughts about how re-selfish I've become, mainly stemming from this topic:

     ---Famine in the Horn of Africa. Mercy Corps got ahold of me via an email plea the other evening, my heart broke, and my pinched wallet gave after a second "sign" came via a random mention of something similar in a new book I just started. Every once in a while, God cracks through my hardened soul in a new way or maybe by a remembered lesson. I've been giving regularly via a mission related to my Presbyterian background and actually was going to withhold this month since we're a little tighter on funds lately......but sometimes it takes a smack in the face to make me realize that what is "tight" to me is nothing compared to what is tight or non-existent for so many individuals on this planet. How frequently I take so much for granted, how frequently I fill my house with food, with clothes, with furniture, and most of it isn't even needed. I fill my life with extra possessions to fill "some void" when most individuals on Earth are just trying to survive. Makes me begin to take a hard look at how far I've come since my whole purpose of starting this blog....and so my heart and mind are opening (ever so slowly) and my wallet emptied a bit more to attempt to make even the slightest difference if I can.

A mixed bag of blessings, remembrances, gifts, lessons, appreciation, and determination added to a lil' bit of old fashioned hope. It's a great day to be alive.

Disturbed.

Tonight I'm thinking about one of the topics that I hate reflecting upon. By now I should know not to watch certain things....or read certain things...or listen to certain conversations, but every once in a while I let something slip through without remembering how easily I can be triggered.

Right now hub is watching Dexter---an already disturbing show but one that I can usually half-watch without minding it too much. Earlier this evening however, I walked out of the living room and will continue to be apprehensive at least until he tells me that a certain character on this make-believe show is dead.

Everyone has topics, realities, or fears that leave them unsettled, pacing the halls, or awake at night, and one of mine happens to be related to child abuse. Manipulation, mental, physical, emotional, or sexual---doesn't matter what type of abuse it happens to be, it's one that so easily makes me uncomfortable and disturbed.

Six or seven years ago I worked at Child Welfare. Even though I was on the happy end on the spectrum (permanency and adoption), I still read and reviewed the case histories of the kids on my caseload and on the caseloads of my coworkers. If you want something to keep you up at night--just read the intimate details of what some parents do to their children behind doors. The two months that I carried a heart-wrenching incest case disturbed my sleep and dreams for another six months. I could tell you stories about incest, biting newborns as punishment, adolescents who were chained to their beds, and kids that were starved and crawling in feces---I could go on, but I won't. And folks, in case you didn't know, these parents really can be the ones sitting right next to you in the grocery line, church aisle, or next office cubicle over. In fact, they are just as likely to be those individuals as the ones we may want to stereotypically envision.  Add onto my 10 month stint at Child Welfare, another summer spent as a substitute teacher in a behavioral day treatment setting for kids and I'm sure you can understand why these issues pull so truly on my heart strings and why I'm hyper-vigilant when it comes to parent-child(ren) interactions.

While everyone else sang praise to the movie Slumdog Millionaire, I was left disturbed by the atrocities suffered by those children in poverty. Same thing happened when we watched The Kite Runner, except the part that kept me up that night was the rape of the boy(s). Last week I read a news headline announcing the finding of a 14 year old boy who had been starved by his parents so much that he was under 70 pounds. Tonight, I caught five minutes of a psycho husband who broke his son's finger as punishment and locked his daughter in her room (plus the fact that she was sexualized which can frequently be an indicator of sex abuse....), and yet he was a pillar of his church and a well-regarded community member. While some of these stories and plots may be written for entertainment and be based on non-truths, these same types of stories do occur in real life...many times over for many hundreds of thousands of children across the globe each and every day.

...and if that isn't something to keep you up at night, I don't know what is. I'm sure in a few hours I will be happily sleeping and tomorrow will be a new day of new thoughts and realities, but unfortunately for many who sleep in this world it is not restful and tomorrow may be just as bleak as was today. So to each and every one of them, I pray for the end of suffering, the relief from pain, the ability to forgive or forget, and for the arrival of so many moments of absolute and pure joy.....

Marriage, Cottage Cheese, & 2 Years in the Making

So....how do you eat your cottage cheese?

You might think this question to be somewhat strange, but until I got married I was 100% sure that people always ate cottage cheese with sliced fruit. (I mean the cottage cheese and fruit are both served near each other in salad bars and MY family always ate it that way anyway.... ;)). So imagine my surprise when hub thought it (and several of my other food tendencies passed on via my fam's norms) were totally and completely strange. (He eats it plain or with honey---just in case you were wondering.)

So I thought of this again when I had a craving for cottage cheese yesterday and I ate it with cranberries, walnuts, & agave syrup---something that was even strange for me but I wanted to try something even more different and outside my norm....

Where is this going you might ask?! ;) Well this post is somewhat overdue...because really it's been on my mind since before we moved back, ever since we moved back, and oh many times in between. Its something I've discussed with some of my closest friends and its something I tried to touch on to others since returning in order to explain that two years has the ability to change individuals. And it also has to do with someone awesome in our lives coming over to our house last week---who mentioned that she and her husband have been married for 30-40 years but the first year was just royally horrible (aka they almost divorced).....and my husband and I chuckled and thought to ourselves "Thank God for honesty...."

Because, honestly, (here goes....) I think we sorta love hearing other people talk about how hard it was to start out....because for us, it was INCREDIBLY hard starting out. (In all honesty, it was harder than my dad having cancer, my favorite grandfather's death, and all my years of undergrad & grad school). .....And this means, that I probably wasn't overly "authentic" on this blog (nor with many people in my life) for my first 1.5 years of my time in Louisiana......because, well, really you don't want people back at home (or across the world) to know just how hard, how lonely, and how lost you (aka me) feel....and because the last thing you want to do is make anyone worry (because, I mean, that would just make it way worse ;)). (Throw in there the fact that I was raised and generally believe that one should not "air their dirty laundry"....) Now many factors come into play beyond JUST the marriage that made it hard: lack of social support/community, my lack of employment/purpose for six months, limited outdoor pursuits, lots of red tape and social expectations, social age differences, ....and I could go on. But honestly, as much as we knew marriage would be hard....neither of us expected it to take the path that it did for the first 6-12 months of our time together...and that is one thing that I won't necessarily explain or go into on this blog.

So why am I sharing this now? Maybe it's to clear the air. Maybe it's to try to regain authenticity. But maybe it's also slightly because I feel it's important to discuss that I am a changed person because of marriage itself but even more so because of the last two years. Do I still have MOST the same values? Sure thing, but I can also tell you that I care less about many things than I used to, I can cuss like the best of the soldiers, it feels incredibly weird to have everyone around me want to hug me, my mouth has learned to shut on some political and social topics, for better or worse I'm more blunt to most people, and for the last year I haven't been constantly thinking introspectively or even very deeply at all. I also don't cringe anymore when I throw away a plastic lid or a pair of ratty underwear, but I will still dig used batteries out of the trash. I don't like looking people in the eyes when I talk to them anymore, I'm far more impatient (which was something I always struggled with anyway), and for the first month of our return it was incredibly difficult for me to even really talk in depth about any of the big issues of the time or answer too many questions about myself.

And maybe I'm sharing this now....because I truthfully feel that that particular round of tumultuous times and rough start has passed (although I definitely expect others in the future at some point--we're human after all), and now an incredibly enjoyable period of our life has arrived. It's my belief 100% that a large part of it has to do with leaving the Army/infantry environment and returning to an environment that has many of the things that we love. I do feel it's important to state that we did have good times down there, but the last three months of our pre and post transition have honestly been some of the happiest and most blessed of our marriage. These three months have made me firmly believe that we truly did know what we were doing when we ran off and got married and re-solidified the fact that I married a man who is so different from me yet so similar to my core. For the first time since my initial leave from Oregon, I realize that my husband is truly my best and most consistent friend.

....even if he does think I'm a weird-o for eating cottage cheese with fruit, but at least he introduced me to something 100x better and created my love affair with.....The vegetarian breakfast burrito....:)

Amazingly delicious!

The additional irony is that I am actually surprised to admit that while I don't miss much from our Louisiana life, I do really miss my job & working with soldiers....and the constant sunshine......and my old running trails straight out my door. But I also have come to realize that there are some things that will forever bind me to my Army wife friends who ended up winding themselves into my hardened heart, as there is often an ability to understand that which cannot be explained to others. So to them I offer my love and happy vibes to bolster them through all the beautiful and difficult moments of being an infantry unit Army wife.

Like everyone, we'll continue to change both individually and as a couple and life here won't always be all sunshine and roses, but its incredibly fun to feel that we're somewhere in a honeymoon stage that we never had....

....and it's great to feel that all the heartbreak, anger, and sadness actually feels it was worth it based on the reality of what we truly DO have together..and which is evidenced every day in our current existence.

So take it with a grain of salt...I just broke every rule in the book and aired some half-dirty laundry.....but the truth of the matter is, at least its all come clean.... ;)

Loving These....

Some things of late that I have just been LOVIN':

--Hosting hub's friends for the weekend. Getting to have hub surrounded by a few of his favorite buddies was absolutely wonderful and it's been great to be located close enough to attend events in support of some of his nearest and dearest.

--Hiking mileage with the hub. Everytime we get to be outdoors together, enjoying nature, working our muscles and lungs, I just feel so thankful.

--The new dog beds from Costco. While maybe not the 'greenest,' they definitely were large and cheap! The cover comes off for washing and they're stuffed with cedar which is apparently a natural flea repellent (?!--let's hope, poor gals had a nasty flea outbreak a week ago!). The last one they had was ruined in the wash machine and the sheep skin they liked to sleep on isn't washable....so hopefully these will be great alternatives and they LOVE them.

--Our azaleas and rhodies are FINALLY blooming and we had two legit back-to-back days of comfortable sunshine before the rain returned! Maybe, just maybe, summer might be near?!

--A quick trip back home for hub to attend his cousin's wedding and to spend a day with mom for Mother's Day. While fast, it was a great trip overall, and we're continually thankful to have my cousin and her boyfriend as ready dog/house-sitters just a few streets away!

--An afternoon digging up flowers in the aunt's yard to transplant into ours. Love getting freebies!

--Hub's dismantled the raised beds, now we've just got to get them rebuilt and get the dirt back in. Our starts are ready for some planting, but many thanks to hub for all his hard work!

--The kiwi tree is finally showing life. The landlords had drastically cut it back and we were afraid it might be a goner---thankfully it's looking like it'll be able to make it!

--Dreams of chicks. Got the book, got the kennel, got the chick feeder---just to get the lamp, feed, and peepers themselves!

--Potential neighborhood friends that live on the corner and all the friendly neighbors... Sometimes it's hard for me to be the engaging neighbor that I should be, but after reading this post I decided that next time I saw one of our young neighbors down the way I would engage them in conversation....which then led to them inviting us over for food that next day. Super sweet couple and an adorable lil girl to boot! Thinking about that post also keeps me waving and hello-ing the couple that live behind us and made me be willing to engage the lil' ol lady from down the road who came by to say hello....even if I wasn't wearing exactly the best "greeter" attire! ;) Community is important for us all however, and it's something I need to strive to attempt to encourage and maintain!

--And really I have to say all the lil' moments with hub that happen inbetween....the last two months have had their own lil share of ups and downs but overall life has is so much better here. I feel blessed, I feel so fortunate, and I am so grateful for the man who decided to share this life intertwined with mine.

There are still some aspects that we are adjusting to here, mainly attempting to grow and engage socially, attempting to get plugged in to volunteer and job pursuits, and wanting to find some sort of fitting spiritual community....but all will come in time. For now, we're just continuing to enjoy what we have, love how we can, and seek out the great things that surround. Hope everyone reading is doing the same! Sending love and prayers out for each of you! Happy Sunday!

A Day of Rest

After running around on Tuesday getting the home finalized for an evening BBQ with family and a long work Wednesday ending with a scratchy throat and achy body, I declared Thursday to be A DAY OF REST. And what a great day of rest it was.

I slept in til 10.

I brewed coffee on the stove and made french toast.

I watched a Netflix movie until 1pm and then gathered my waiting stack of magazines and a few books I've been meaning to finish, and headed for our front courtyard corner:

Here I sat enjoying the sun, avoiding the eventual mist and hail, and sipping on my homebrew sun/sweet tea.

I appreciated the beautiful arrangement brought to us courtesy of an aunt and uncle and thought about how great that giant empty pickle jar has been for making tea....

Eventually as the rain started coming sideways, I moved to the couch where I finished The Hospital by the River and enjoyed the scene outside our front window.

I read blogs, researched fistulas and international NGOS, watched the scenes outside our windows, and sent messages to several of my military wives.

In the evening I went for a 4 mile run, maybe not the most restful, but a great way to blow off some steam, took a shower, checked on the hub watching the Blazers play, and stayed up finishing a spiritually endeavored book: God in the Alley-Being and Seeing Jesus in a Broken World.

In the midst of much, sometimes a few moments to take it easy are just what the body and soul most need. A day of rest, a day to heal.

Sending best wishes for relaxation to you and yours!

It's Been an Interesting Day

You know the day might be starting out sort of strange when you wake up to a text message informing you that one of your former clients is on trial for murder  of an innocent individual.....and as much as I know that there is no excuse for murder, somehow my heart breaks for both the victim and the perpetrator. As I read some of the details of what had become of this client throughout the last few months upon her transition back to her home state, I couldn't help but become saddened especially when I remember how hopeful she'd been about her future....

Further news headings only left me more saddened by what's going on in the world as I read about the continued devastation in Japan, especially with the impeding snow in some areas, the continued lack of water, and now the horribleness of melt downs and explosions with the nuclear reactors.

In a family conversation this last weekend, my sister shared how someone pointed out during her recent trip to Africa that truly we in the USA are all rich compared to most Africans....this is something that the hub and I discussed further throughout this last week.....

Thus the events brought to my attention at the start of today only left me further thinking about how much so many of us have and how much so many of us take for granted....and it's left me wanting to complain and worry less....and to attempt to appreciate that which we do have even more....

--So today I enjoyed picking up and vacuuming my home, because at least I have a wonderful new rental to call home....
--I enjoyed an afternoon visit with my cousin and got in touch with several others who I need and want to see now that we've pretty well settled.....and felt fortunate for the individuals who I have in my life already....
--I picked up part of the backyard and started to think about the garden...and I didn't even mind the moments when the rain came down on me.....because at least I know that my rain is clean (for the most part) and that I am so fortunate to have this yard for my dogs to roam and the space to plant and garden....
--I enjoyed running an errand with the hub, I put in a call to my Granny, and I felt overjoyed when the cat that we thought had gone missing....hopped over the fence and into our home.....as I know that my routine is something that is so frequently taken for granted....

So while the morning may have started out somewhat depressing, sometimes those moments are the ones we need to kick us in the butt in appreciation of what we have, to do more to help others that we can assist, and to pray even harder for all those situations of which we have absolutely no power over....

May each of you appreciate the gifts of your todays, extend a hand to those that you can, and send some positive energy or a prayer toward a better society and world should your heart so desire......here's to you and yours!

Pillow Talk

So last night we had one of those conversations that really are every once in a blue moon around here...the ones that you have oh so frequently when you're newly in love with your head on the pillow or sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by your philosophical loving cronies, the type of conversation that leads you toward examining life, explaining and questioning concepts, and asking about what you want out of the bigger picture......which is exactly what the hub has been pushing me to reflect on throughout the last month.

It's amazing how quickly this gal went from being someone who never stopped thinking/dreaming/examining/wanting to talk about the big philosophical statements of life to being one who had to force herself to re-examine the big picture and take some time to ask the big questions all over again. Somehow this role, this (military wife) life has made me realize how easily one can deny themselves in order to aim for a larger picture of happiness or maybe status quo. Sometimes we end up having to put some of our tendencies on the back burner but that's not always a bad thing.......and everything in life teaches us something else toward the next step.

So after a week of more "deep" thoughts than normal, I finally started talking last night about some of the realizations that I've had lately....

A recurring thought of mine in my teens was that I just wanted to aim for being average. After being pushed through the educational experience as an intelligent female encouraged to achieve, achieve, achieve (educationally and professionally)....somehow deep down I knew that middle ground is where I wanted to end up. I realize that compared to many throughout this nation and the world, I have had amazing opportunities available to me...even though hard work and commitment were always required and I don't know that I would say that "opportunity" was ever just handed to me on a silver plate (even though in the bigger picture, I imagine that it was....). When I first started embarking on a re-examination of my life priorities in my early twenties, I recognized how my desire for average and lack of materialist tendency (especially in comparison to many of my peers and the US society as a whole) coincided nicely with the values and philosophy of the simple living movement.

NOW what I've also realized this last week is that...I sort of feel a sense of settling or maybe even completion. Sure, I still have things that I'd like to do in life, some more than others of course, and some that it's okay if they never happen. But in the larger picture, I already feel like I've had the opportunity to see, do, and achieve... I'm a couple years shy of 30 and I've already been able to live and/or travel on 4 continents, to complete three degrees, to travel throughout 75% of my nation, to recognize my body's ability to physically go where I never thought it could, and to interact and help individuals from all walks of life.

Thus at this point, I feel myself already having "achieved." I feel less of a desire for achievement of personal goals and am wondering more again about enjoyment. And I'm not talking enjoyment in that sense of waste of resources enjoyment, and maybe more of it is wondering about how to increase enjoyment for others.....

Ironically one thing that I have come to enjoy while being here is the one thing that I never expected to really enjoy....and that is work aka in the form of a full-time job. Sure, all things considered I'd probably enjoy a lil bit under full-time, but at this point I feel fortunate to work and to work in a position that actually brings me: enjoyment. (And truthfully, it'll be a while before any amount of work pays off those half-a-mortgage size graduate school loans....)

Doubly ironically, my realization of this focus not on achievement, happens to be when the hub needs to most focus on achieving....which hopefully will turn into a win-win situation, a sort of needed balancing act I suppose.

So while I don't have all the answers and maybe this is all a round about way of getting me back to Square One of simplicity and appreciation.....it's sort of nice to be moving back into a stage of deeper thinking, evaluating, (hopefully) increased giving, and maybe even a bit more life enjoying...

But then again, maybe I need to just stop asking "what's next?"

Balanced Re-Integration

So one thing on my mind a lot these days is how to re-integrate ourselves into our social circles back home. Anyone who has followed this blog for a while, has some knowledge that most of the hub's and my married life has been spent together here in Louisiana and that our separate families and friends have had limited exposure to the other half of our couple. Aka he has yet to meet a good chunk of my friends and family and vice versa. While we know that everyone back home is looking forward to getting more time with us, we also don't want to be overwhelmed by social obligations straight from the get go. There are quite a few things that we want to do for ourselves upon getting back and so while it may seem selfish to some, a good chunk of time may be spent initially just trying to get ourselves settled and do the things we've been wanting to do rather than jump straight back into how things were socially before relocating. We're going to want and need time to get settled and unpack, time to lesson plan and get my upcoming term in order, and time and space to take the trips to the coast, to the mountains, and the hub's week long hike that have been calling us throughout the last year.

In truth, the hub has really only been back in Oregon for maybe 60 days total throughout the last 5 years, and I personally think it's important for him to have some time to enjoy and process the change from the military back into a "regular" lifestyle. We also have gotten really good at being the other person's entertainment and social support, and while we definitely do hang out with other people, I don't know that we're as used to hanging out with a whole LOT of people nor used to having a steady stream of social engagements.  Now that being said, I'm sure we're going to re-integrate fine and I'm looking forward to being able to get together with family and my old coworkers and friends. It's going to be fun to participate in family parties, make the drive to see Granny on a regular basis, and help my gal plan her wedding---there are going to be a lot of perks to returning! But I also know that we're probably going to take some of the social integration at a slower pace than others.

We're not even back yet and the calendar is already spattered with things to attend throughout the next two months, so I don't think it's going to be that hard to keep busy and our minds a bit more engaged than they have been here. But I also am a strong proponent of having low key moments interspersed amongst those busier ones. Moments to plant, moments to play, moments to grade assignments, and moments to just relish being back in Oregon together lounging about alone in our rental home. A bit of re-integration balance is all it takes ;)

Beautiful Morning

It's amazing how much good news can change one's entire demeanor toward the upcoming days. And today of all days is that magical and commercialized day of Valentine's Day. No need to discuss hub's and my outlook toward prefabricated Hallmark events again however, it's a beautiful day!

Today I intended to wake up slow and in a sense I did. While the rest of the world has been running around about its Monday, I have the blissful opportunity to relish my cup of coffee and toast smothered in butter and jam while listening to my favorite tunes and wake up slowly and lovely this morning. I'm reporting to work about 11am and in a few minutes the hub should be home from his night out in the field working. The dogs are always thrilled to have their owners around any extra moments and today they'll doubly benefit from my late morning and the hub being home to sleep off the night--no kenneling today!

Sunlight has been streaming through the windows, there's a slight breeze swaying the trees behind our home, and the air is that type that although slightly chilled has the excitement of a spring oh so close around the corner.  My daffodils have been peeking their leaves out of the front beds for the last week, albeit hesitantly due to the chilly nights we've been having.

And today is Valentine's Day....a day when many around our nation (and maybe even the world) will focus their presence and desire on the one they love. And I can't help but wonder what would happen if that energy and feeling could be shared with EVERY one throughout every single day. I'm pretty sure if we all infiltrated a little more love, excitement, and energy into our interactions with others....the world would be a much better place indeed.

So here's to a beautiful morning and to what will hopefully continue to be a beautiful day....and one through which I can keep my love toward my fellow human at the forefront of my actions and thoughts.

Sending love....and prayers....in your direction!

Transformation

Last weekend the wife down the road stepped into my kitchen for brunch and remarked that I was like a whole new person in two weeks time. My hair was a slightly bit longer (2011 Goal is not to cut it except for trims), my newly prescribed glasses were being worn, and I had skinny jeans on my legs ending in knee-high leather boots. After not seeing each other in two weeks, I did have a few new items which all happened to land in the same period of time...however I don't know that at that moment I felt any different.

I've already written recently about trying to avoid the stress of the upcoming move. Some of the worries I have, of course, pertain to potential alterations of relationships. As my husband and I change based on our occupational  roles, financial situation, and physical location, those changes will likely create alterations to our relationship. Additionally, my family and friends have never had the opportunity really to know my husband and have head minimal ability to know the ways that I have changed (and vice versa) over the last two years. As amazing as I know it will be to again be surrounded by those I care about and love, the whole reintegration does impart some apprehension as well.

Then this week the hub has attempted twice to engage me in conversation about what it is that I want out of the next few years. This is the type of conversation that has not overly existed for the last year and a half, and it's amazing how not thinking about these big questions during the course of the last year leave me unable to answer this question. In fact, leaves me constantly changing the subject so I don't have to think about what might be the answers to these questions. Two years ago I would have said I wanted to have some land, a garden, and some sheep while working part-time....but do those wishes still define who I am today?

Rather over the course of the last two years, I have read less of the legit news and begun to believe that yahoo truly does report headlines. I speak more about Hollywood and TV than I do about political regimes, social issues, and sustainability. I've come to seriously love working full-time. I enjoy driving a car, I've bought skinny jeans, and I even have Softsoap for hand soap in my kitchen. Sure, we still hang most our clothes on the line, I pick plastics out of the garbage to put in recycling, and I send a monthly donation to a charity of my choice, but somehow over the course of the Louisiana me I've maybe begun to try a little less. Although the verdict is still out whether or not I care any less....or if I'm just disillusioned with how much is still left to do in order to create a equitable, sustainable economy and lifestyle. At some point, I stopped wanting to always be singled out as the public health, hippy nicknamed gal.

And so here I am, maybe more stressing about the transformations that have passed and those we will pass through in the coming month, rather than the actual details of the move. I can tell you that I had a slight glimmer the other day when I heard the hub ask me if we can renew my old Mother Earth subscription upon the return to Oregon....but there are still many steps to take back toward a sustainable direction...and back toward discovery of what I want to keep from this part of me, what I'll want to reintegrate from the me of before, and in what direction would I actually like to head.

Ironically for someone who used to think deeply all the time, it sure seems like I actually have some thinking I need to do ahead....

Glorious, Slow Morning

Today I woke up just plain thankful to be alive. You know those mornings when you wake up and everything just feels like it must be right in the world? You could go for some more sleep, but you feel rested by the hours of snooze you did get? You feel that it's a day where the sun just has to be out....and let me tell you it is!

The day is starting off with THAT feeling. I contine(d) to lay in bed relishing the extra moments and waking up slow. Any movement in the morning's sheets, prompts the dogs to gleefully come investigate, pushing their snauzes up on the bed and wagging their tails. Soon after I let them outside and let the cats in. Major, per usual, came barreling in through the back door running into the dogs legs as they scrambled to get outside. His demands for food began the moment his paws crossed the hearth and Lady took up the tune from outside the front door until I could let her in too. Both cats ran straight for their food bowl and I dutifully scooped nuggets into the two dog bowls, while still allowing the dogs some time outside to relieve, play, and catch up on the neighborhood patrol gossip from their furry buddies down the street.

In another ten minutes I'll get out of bed for real this morning, turning on the retrieved Ipod that finally made its way back to the bedroom docking station last night and listening to music that will just make me continue to feel good. I'll wash the face, put on the make-up and clothes for the day, and start preparing my dishes for the potluck style brunch I'm hosting for some of the wives late morning. Most the legit cleaning and nesting was completed yesterday, so today I just need to bake and put out utensils and dishes for use. What's on the agenda on my end: German Apple Pancake, box cranberry-orange muffins, mimosas, and coffee---sort of an equal attempt at cooking and baking with some liquids thrown in.

The rest of the day should include reviewing the seminar slides I will be giving in the morning, hopefully working on an application package for a new job I discovered, and I wouldn't be surprised if some sort of walk or run with the dogs gets thrown in there too.

Regardless, here's hoping this beautiful feeling stays the whole day through....for me....and for you! ;)

January Countdowns

Not only did we participate in a count down as part of the New Year's celebration in New Orleans, but the new year also marked the official count down until we are back in Oregon. Ironically the last months have also seen us better settled into a regular routine here. Never fails to strike me as ironic when we find our groove right before relocating. The hub and I are definitely excited to head back home, although I'm probably adding apprehension to the equation too. I gave myself until February before I start stressing (as I'm so prone to do with any change that I cannot control), but the more people ask me for the details, the more I can feel that stress coming on early. Luckily, so far, the hub is doing a great job of putting up with my attempts to control as much of the rest of my life as I can....and I must say, it's doing amazing things for my running! ;)

We've started scoping out some housing options. All three college applications for the hub are now out there for consideration by admission committees. I've been applying for additional full time positions (which hopefully would be somewhat flexible at least spring term with my instructor gig), although without much luck so far. And it feels like the communication levels between the husband and I have been forced to increase as we try to sort out finances, potential timelines, and the few details we can brainstorm this far out in the game. It seems like most of the actual move planning won't be likely until mid next month, so hopefully I can hold off the stressing until then. So far, I have won one battle though, and I will get at least one dog riding INSIDE the truck with me to keep me entertained on the four day drive back home. ;)

Hub and I both are focusing on enjoying the last few months of our jobs and appreciating the aspects of them that we love the most. We'll probably head up to another Louisiana city for a day trip in the next month so we can appreciate it's history and cultural opportunities before relocating. There will definitely be little things about here that we'll miss, but it'll be great to be back home on so many levels! Although I can honestly see us itching for change at the completion of hub's 4 year degree.

Can hardly believe that we'll be in Oregon re-integrating into family, friends, and a more sustainable lifestyle within two months....

Now here's hoping that all the pieces fall together as they should.