A Life Update: Bittersweet

How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)

--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.

--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.

--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.

--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free.  Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.

--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....

--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.

---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.

--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him.  Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....

--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.

--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.

--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....

--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.

--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)

--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.

In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.

Day Trippin' Brightens the Week

Spring break has been a whirl wind of both relaxation and social activity, but yesterday we (hub, hub's friend, and I) took a day trip up to Seattle....

We took the ferry...

After checking out Pike's Place Market of course (and being treated to an amazing lunch).

We stopped to see the decommissioned Navy ships at Bremerton, including the ship hub's friend served on.

And then, we decided to head further north and trekked up to Port Townshend.

Where we saw old Army & Coast Guard buildings.

Gorgeous old victorian homes.

Amazing history.

Marinas.

We may have also played in a park, been mesmerized by the happy animals wandering around town, and grabbed a brew with hub's friend's friend at a perfect lil bar.

And it may have been good for some other reasons too......

Sometimes there's nothing better than a fun, random trip to somewhere new. Much needed for each of us!

February Thoughts & Happenings

----The chickens are still making a racket multiple times per week. I'm thinking we'll be getting rid of them. The feed store owners (the mom of my gal N) said she'd re-home them if we want and offered new chicks, but I think I'm done til we have legit property one day. There's a good chance that hub would prefer to, um, eat them.

----We've offered hub's pride and joy old jeep to one of my vets who is in need of a vehicle. He's been hard pressed for months and as much as that Jeep is an extension of hub, these are the moments when I love hub's huge heart.....even when he tries to keep it hidden. However the jeep has its own quirky issues, is uninsured/unregistered/parked in the garage, so we'll see what happens.

----I don't know that this much TV has been on in our house non-stop and daily channel turning to MMA (mixed martial arts). We're still adjusting to four of us in the house but I'm oh so hopeful. My coworker has been looking at places and hopes to get a place in April. We have yet to discuss a timeline with hub's friend. My coworker is amazing though as a housemate. Luckily the guys and hub have been off enjoying themselves at the Newport Seafood & Wine Fest this weekend, so it's been nice for the doggies and I to roam the house freely.

-----My supervisor asked me to reconsider leaving my vet position, which I had a feeling she would. She also said I could re-create the job to better meet my and the center's needs. The pay is amazing and I actually found out that it bumps up my pay in my other job too.....but I'm still not sure I could do another year. There are pro's and con's to every thing---and honestly I keep hoping that something else might open for me to do a lateral transfer.

----Although I did "put the smack down" in the center last week, as mentioned in my clothing post. Ironically one thing I love about working with vets is a) some of them respect me more now because of it and b) they're so used to that sort of thing that most of them were back to being jolly and normal within two minutes......but for the most part, they DID get the picture and that's good to see.

----Book club was today. I was (sigh....) almost 30 minutes late....and yet this seems to be a return to hub's and my standard. We also were 15 minutes late to a joint vet mtg together yesterday....although in our defense, we were 10 minutes early to my work dinner! (Which work dinner went AWESOME btw!) Being late does make me feel bad...slightly. Only because I know that a lot of people that love me.....also despise being kept waiting. Anyway the gals also chose to go with Joy for Beginners---so we'll be reading that this month.

-----Today I was thinking of 3 high school gal pals and how much we've loved each other through different phases of ourselves. When I think back on all of our changes in 15 years.....it's amazing, and yet they've accepted me for me (almost) every step of the way. I love these girls because I can be any side of me and it's always okay. If I'm caring and idealist, withdrawn and needing space, or blunt and bitchy.....it doesn't matter. They accept who I am at each crossroads of life....and I am beginning again to realize just how much I appreciate it. I don't have to be anyone but me with them and I never have to worry about offending....and I seriously hope they feel the same way.

-----I have a weekend trip in April to San Antonio. I am beyond excited to see my gal....and in a total moment of irony, I'm seriously looking forward to being back in the south. Amazing culture/food in San Antonio AND 80 degree weather. Also on the docket: see my childhood friend again AND make it to Austin (definitely on the lifetime list)!

----I seriously love when Roxi comes running back into the house in the evenings and just careens into her cushy dog bed.

----I took a nap today and have been 100% lazy and it's been absolutely perfect.

----I found another awesome remix fashion blogger that y'all should check out: Putting Me Together.

----I'm still in my anti-social stage--I'm just not feeling it. I know I'm in a total selfish stage period---want my little moments with hub, want flexibility to spend lazy weekends grading and working out and running errands and flexible, and honestly I'm just not wanting to get too deep into thinking about life. I seriously love and missed my friends who care so deeply, but right now I'm just not there and it's hard for me to want to go there. I work with people who need a lot and who are hardened to the world in many ways....and well, I think it's rubbed off. My idealism is a whole lot more realism than I ever would have cared to have....and in a lot of ways I don't feel as much like talking about what could be or should be or thinking about how to make life better, etc ... it is what it is.

-----Hub aced both his bio exams this last week. He's such an academic rockstar---I'm legit proud of him.

-----The Air Force is supposedly recruiting for Public Health officers....I emailed the health professional recruiter for more info. Side bar: every 2-3 years I research and contemplate joining the Air Force or Coast Guard.... thus far it's never been the right fit. I still don't expect it to be the right fit, but it is interesting to say the least. However 5am and I have never been friends, and I'm also learning that while management might be an okay fit for me, I'm not sure it's my favorite.

-----We're headed into Week 8 of the term---although I'm headed to a conference in Salem on Thursday, so it's just two evenings of teaching this week. I'm thinking about trying to spend the night at Granny's and hopeful I can see one of my other gals who is pregnant and who I have only seen twice in the year we've been back.

-----On the docket this summer: two of my gal pals from high school and I are road tripping to our other gal in Arizona. We've been talking about a Summer 2012 trip for two years, and I re-arranged my teaching schedule within the timeline the other gals have available (K-12 schedule starts late August). One of the gals is in San Fran so picking her up is the perfect halfway mark, and it just happened to coincide with my 30th. (Three of us turn 30 this summer actually.) I'm seriously so stoked to be making this happen! And my parents deserve an award, because they're tentatively agreeing to swap the Sorento for their Prius---cha ching!

------On the docket in the next three years: potential opportunities for international travel, but I've been sworn to not mention any of it. Although I can tell you that one place would add a new dream continent, include potential mission work (my heart swoons), and get me that much closer to achieving my lifetime goal of traveling to all continents. The other trip would be a lifetime dream for a friend and would be an amazing celebration of her, of which I would feel honored to be a part. (And it's all of course dependent on what I do for work/finances in the next few years....and what all else life might decide to throw at us) Add on to this my heartfelt desire to buy hub a vacation, the fact that we currently have friends stationed in Italy, AND that in the next 9 years I legit need to return to Argentina. (Hmmm......when does hub start racking in the bucks?! :))

-----Have I mentioned my department head is amazing? He seriously recognized that I need a vacation this year and so allowed for me to plan my summer schedule to grant me most of September (to potentially visit my gals in Georgia) and to rearrange our original plan so my gals and I could make it to Arizona. He deserves boss-of-the-year award! And just in case you're wondering I'm teaching twice a week in person and two classes online.

----Tomorrow I need to run. Period.

-----But have I mentioned yet that at 10am today it was 39 degrees and slushing?!

-----And how totally bad a$$ is it that it's a Leap Year?!

And with my brain dumping successfully completed and you up-to-date (for the most part and only if you made it this far), I'm off to get teary some more about The Heart and the Fist....because damn it, I'm gonna read it first anyway! ;)

The Rest of the June Traveling Story

After breakfast we knew we had some time to spare and still plenty that could be seen before we headed over to hub's family's for the afternoon.....so we looked on the trusty REI hiking map and discovered the Oregon Badlands walking trails....

 Now hub wasn't quite as impressed with this section cause he was already familiar with the Central Oregon terrain etc and the landscape didn't change the entire 7-8 mile round trip stretch that we walked.....but I enjoyed seeing something different and day dreamed about how easy it would be to lose track of location and one's mind when traveling these stretches 100-150 years ago. Lucky for us it wasn't too warm as we walked and there was a breeze blowing through, but there was no water source during the stretch we walked, junipers that had been struck by lightening during years past, and birds that had a call that sounded like mocking laughter. ;)

 Gorgeous contrasting wildflowers astounded in the badlands---these blues, bright pinks, and vivid yellows.

 I had no clue that junipers are actual trees! This was part of the "Ancient Juniper" trail.

 Another trail we walked along cut through an old homestead. I think this was the old well on the homestead but I couldn't find any remnants of the home's foundation or outbuildings.

 Old shooting targets:

And here's where most the photos stop ;) After our trek through the badlands, we headed over to hub's family's for the afternoon. After three days, we both showered and cleaned up. Hub, his dad, and his uncle started talking fishing and hunting goods, as part of the reason we'd headed over was to pick up the hunting guns that hub's dad had said he could have (and a gun safe---the compromise between us....). After cleaning up, we headed over to see one of my great gal pals for a BBQ dinner at her place, where we had the absolute pleasure of meeting her two adorably dirty faced children, who played wonderfully with our dogs in the backyard while hub sucked in the enjoyment of using their Traeger grill. After not seeing her for four years, it was great to catch up as much as we could in two hours, observe how good of a mama she is and how amazing her two kiddos are, and let her get to meet hub too. (Unfortunately I didn't take any pictures and her awesome hub happened to be gone for the weekend.) We ended up heading back over to hub's family's to spend the night and the next morning I sat and listened for hours hearing great work stories from hub's grandpa. It was incredible to hear him talk of working in a mining shaft, building roads, working on oil drills, and rounding up cattle on the family farm, along with panning for gold for fun in his "free" time. While grandpa and I chatted, hub loaded up the back cab with the "hunting gear." Between his new stuff, our backpacks and camping gear, and other random odds and ends in the back cab and our stack of camp wood, gun safe, and dogs in the truck bed, we sort of started looking like the hill billies! ;)

Hub and I headed out to come back to our place about 2pm but once we'd made it over the pass and were an hour from our home, we looked at each other and decided to make the three hour drive south for our hometown. A quick call to Mom and Dad for permission to bring the dogs (Dad's allergic and not a big dog fan....) which he readily gave, and then we headed south....and just in time for Father's Day. ;)

The bridge heading into our hometown on the coast:

 The dogs peeking out from under Mom and Dad's gate:

 Luckily the dogs did great settling into Mom and Dad's backyard during the day and sleeping in the bed of Dad's truck in the garage at night. We've been super impressed with them through all of our travels, and they did well enough that Dad gave the ok for them to come along anytime we want to come down--woohoo!

Going home allowed us to spend some moments with my parents, grab dinner with friends at two of our favorite spots, and take our dogs out to the beach for an afternoon with two separate friends and a couple of other dogs. The weather was drizzly but not too cold, and altogether the extra trip home was wonderful. Dad shared old backpacking photos with hub and the two of them talked for a couple hours about technology advancements, music, and sports---its always satisfying listening to the two of them engage in conversations about their similar interests. I also had the fun of running into one of my best gal's dad and (separately) her MIL while we were home, and we were able to share in the joy of the recently announced pregnancy of hub's best friends. Hub also was introduced to the show Extreme Couponing....and now I'm afraid there might be a new hobby in his life..... ;)

We split the four hour drive back up to our place and within two hours of being home had the truck unloaded, the mail opened and sorted, the gun safe installed and doing its job, the front entryway weeded, and the garden watered. An absolutely great trip through about half of our wonderful state, and we're looking forward to more trips to come!

Crooked River Camping

After our trek around Paulina Lake we checked out the map to see where we should camp next. We didn't want to go too far from one of the major towns in Central Oregon and hub remembered an old potential camping area along the Crooked River, where he'd spent some time hiking around when he was younger. So we drove over to see if we could find the spot again....passing many of the beautiful fields and livestock along the way.

 And sure enough, we found it and what looked like a great place to camp even if we weren't entirely sure if it was actually a legit camp site.

But after 20 miles of hiking between the day before and that morning, it was great to string up the hammock between two trees, pull out the lawn chairs, and lay in the back of the truck reading and enjoying the afternoon sun. The dogs were even too tired to care too much about their bones ;)

 We did take the half-mile canyon trail down to the river twice however and caught some beautiful views:

 Steelhead Falls and the little separate cascading water section on the far left is a man-made fish ladder:

 Back up at the camp site, we set up the tent, moved the truck to be our wind block, and after a low-key dinner, we crawled in for the night.

At 4:45am we woke up to a ruckus from a far camp section where some "long-term campers" were located. Not being sure of what was going on and not wanting to get involved, we quickly broke camp, loaded up, and headed out around 5am.

By waking up that early (which happens most the time when camping), we were fortunate enough to catch the beauty of the sunrise against the snowy mountains:

We ended up driving over to Smith Rock State Park, which we intended to go back and hike down into the canyon later in the day but didn't ever get back there. We did catch a few pictures from above the canyon however and watched some mule deer cross a stretch of the road:

Since it was barely above freezing and 6:30am, we drove into town and tried out the Black Bear Diner--incredibly friendly service, lots of good food for cheap including healthier options, a core value of willing to make substitutions per your request, and its a somewhat local-like option as its only located in the PNW. 

Part 3 to come ;)

Move Time 2011

Approximately 2400 miles traveled
Over 10,000 pounds hauled
$1750 spent on gas
And four days of travel......

AND we made it from Louisiana back to Oregon!

We spent our final Friday finishing loading, packing, and cleaning the place up rather nicely. All four of our lovely critters were relocated down the street to our friends, and once we had "outprocessed" housing, we joined them there for the weekend as well. We spent our final weekend in Louisiana eating out with friends, running our favorite trail, and resting up from the full week we had just had and in anticipation of the week ahead. Monday morning, the hub signed out and finished up his final paperwork and about 10am we finished putting our bags, animals, and selves in our vehicles...and headed off down the road.

Day #1 We didn't make quite as far as we would have liked due to getting hung up in rush and accident traffic around Dallas, but we still got in a full day of travel and spent the night in Amarillo. Day #2 started off well with Starbucks and the dogs making a new friend who they played with for a decent amount of time in the morning. However the moving truck had it's oil maintenance light on, so we ended up spending most the day (until 3pm) waiting for the truck to be serviced at a truck servicing stop. However we still made it across New Mexico to Gallup by the end of that day----and New Mexico is by far my second favorite state due it's climate, culture, and terrain. BEAUTIFUL!

Day #3 started off CHILLY! We'd definitely gone from our 70 degree days to frozen puddles and left over snow. And this particular day turned out to be a long haul as we wound up with lots of energy even in the wee hours of the night, so we traveled from northern New Mexico to just inside the Oregon border throughout the course of this third day. We made it through Salt Lake City without too many hang ups and avoiding the absolute worst of rush hour. The passes in Utah were gorgeous yet clear, and we were both happy to see some wind mills poking up on the terrain. Idaho was traversed completely in the dark, but our happiest moment was stepping down onto Oregon ground again.

Day #4 started out slow as we slept in and then indulged in a real breakfast (usually we travel with a cooler and a bag of snacks). I put in a call to our landlords to let them know where we were and to coordinate getting the key, and in the process also was granted permission to have the second cat stay in the house! Woo hoo! ;) Reflecting back on the final day of driving, we both mention just how beautiful Oregon appeared. The passes had snow coming down and I stopped to let the dogs play. Entering the gorge was another great awe and each mile brought a new desire to want to explore further the areas we were passing throughout our home state.

Altogether it went incredibly well! The animals did great....and in case you're wondering how to move two cats....well, putting them with a make shift litter box in our mid-size dog kennel in the back of the car was perfect. We gave them food and water at night and then padded the kennel with extra blankets for the cold nights. They did great!

Really it was a beautiful trip overall with pretty decent weather. We made it to the rental about 5pm, unloaded the moving truck and vehicles by 8pm, situated the animals, and then headed out to enjoy a dinner of local food and brew---every bit was amazing and left us thankful to be home (but more on all that later.....)! ;)

Hope y'all have been rested, well, and fulfilled! Sending the best of everything to each and every one of you!

New Years in New Orleans

 HISTORY: This building is where the Louisiana Purchase was signed

 CULTURE: Street musicians on Bourbon

 ARCHITECTURE: French, Spanish, and oh so Southern

 SPIRITUALITY: Beyond voodoo, New Orleans is home to St Louis Cathedral and numerous other amazingly beautiful places of worship.

 CELEBRATIONS: New Years Eve at Jackson Square

 FOOD: Many thanks to Food Network---Mother's Restaurant for Po' Boys

JAZZ: Preservation Hall was amazing and authentic.

Overall, a great final travel venture for the hub and I in Louisiana and a wonderful way to celebrate 2011 with friends both old and new.