How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)
--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.
--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.
--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.
--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free. Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.
--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....
--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.
---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.
--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him. Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....
--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.
--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.
--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....
--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.
--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)
--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.
In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.
--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.
--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.
--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.
--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free. Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.
--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....
--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.
---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.
--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him. Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....
--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.
--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.
--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....
--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.
--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)
--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.
In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.
7 comments:
wow, this is big news! you are so brave for sharing. Also, so brave for doing this! I admire your strength and courage- it sounds like the right thing to do for you and your husband. Which takes so much courage and self-love.
Seriously, you rock.
Hello,
Sorry to hear this sad news but I must admit it was not entirely unexpected - reading between the lines for a while now I wondered if you were ok.
You were thriving as a single woman when I started reading your blog and I am sure that you will do so again if that is the way life takes you. Sending good wishes your way.
I am sorry that things are so difficult, but definitely happy that you are making decisions for yourself. It is the most important thing sometimes. I hope that you are able to have an amazing summer road trip...and if you feel like coming all the way up here, we would love to have you!
And I wouldn't worry so much about your Granny. I am sure she will be extremely supportive. :-)
i know i don't know you very well but i felt compelled to show you my support by letting you know how strong you are to share this news and how much positivity i can feel through your words. wishing you the best.
I just wanted to say thank you to each of you for your wonderful support and words of encouragement. It's been a rough couple days this week and your kind words mean more to me than you could know.
Sounds like you two are working together on this. Thats just amazing because I only hear about the bad stuff. Fights, legal wars, etc. Keep strong and know were are all here for you!
Hi, I am so sorry to hear your news, but also kind of expected it. I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I hope this gives yo and your hubby happiness. I sounds like you've really managed to talk to eachother, though, which is always good!
Big hugs xx
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