Decisions, Decisions.....

It's like these mass updates keep occurring :) but don't worry, I promise there are some fun things also.

I guess major announcement #1 is that Tall D and housemate G are still living in the house so far, albeit they're paying rent on their apartment also. The main reason behind this is that Tall D and I have been trying to figure out where we currently stand, because last week a prior decision was reversed for the time being, honest communication ensued, and hopes for a future (either together or apart) were shared. There have been major conversations since then and lots of time spent shared together---but we're still no where closer to a decision on which of three main paths to walk down. There's still much to work through..... and if I'm being authentic...then honestly I feel like I'm avoiding listening to my heart AND to my head. Avoidance isn't usually my subscription to life, but no one wants to be the one to make a final decision.

All this ties into announcement #2 which is that plans for the summer are on a stand-by. I've been looking forward to a summer of simple pleasures--river floats, hiking, gardening & yard work, travels, happy hours, etc, interspersed with my summer work schedule. While I recognize that all these things are still viable options, I'm not sure how readily they'll still pan out the way I'd envisioned. (Envisioning!!) Additionally Tall D's and my indecision places Z and Tall D's new apartment mates G and J in limbo as well.....

Ha--now add onto all this the end of the term that both Tall D and I are working through. Tall D's trying to bring his grades back toward his 4.0 status and I'm trying to finalize my students grades and prep for summer term. It's looking like I'll maintain in my other position until a new hire can be brought on, which extends my original contract into mid July. Great for the paycheck and my extra responsibility of bills (cell phone plans have already been broken up, half the utilities transferred to my name only, and did you know that car insurance goes up when you're separated?!), but I'm really just ready for some sort of a break this summer. But then again who isn't?!

And all of this leads directly into announcement #3: I've been asked by my supervisor to apply for a fairly big position within my campus...and per the usual I have mixed feelings about applying for it. I honestly don't even know that I could land the job because it's several steps above where I am now, but the recommendation from my supervisor would go far and the other campus administrators have all been impressed with the work I've done in my position this year. I meet many of the qualifications of the position, but I can also guarantee that they'd hope to get someone with more experience than what I have...and it's another position where I feel the fact that I'm only going to be 30 would be unnerving for some. I know I have the ability to do the job but it's also full-time, potentially high-stress, and I would have to give up most of my teaching.

Thus, in life currently, there are many DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

Now I promised some awesomes and I won't fail to deliver....although if you know me on Facebook, you've already seen many of these:

1) This lil' critter I found alive (albeit traumatized) hidden in my closet this week. Looks like Major lost one, but thankfully the bird was rescued and released (mainly) no worse for the wear.

2) I'd been pining for this awesome elephant mug from Starbucks for the last week or two. After sharing that bit of intel with Tall D, he hunted one down and had it in the cupboard to surprise me. Definitely has been making me happy as I sip my morning coffee.

3) My new passport arrived. The irony of life is that it arrived the same day that Tall D sat me down for our change-in-direction conversation. Whether or not it'll get used this summer as originally planned, I honestly can't believe how fast it came and it's still nice to have it available.

4) My buddies Z and B helped my aunt, uncle, cousin, and I rip out my aunt & uncle's old deck on Sunday. In one long day of fun work we got the whole thing removed, enjoyed lots of jokes, indulged in some great lemon drops, and ended the night with an impromptu dance party in their living room. FUN DAY! (Plus some of the wood from the deck is transporting to my place for chicken coop construction.)

5) Last Saturday I did my first organized running event: The Starlight Run which leads off the Starlight Parade. Tall D probably won't be very happy I'm including him in a picture on the blog, but I wanted to document so here we go. He, myself, and one of his college buddies ran the 5k together through downtown PDX. Costumes are encouraged, hence the ram's hat on his head. The run was a ton of fun and we even saw B and B's dog in the crowd! I've been getting a few other 5k runs in during the last week and with the help of Tall D's and my friend who is deployed, I plan to start training for a half. Woot woot---NEW GOALS! :)

So amidst chaos, enjoy the awesomes! How have y'all been?

Big Shrimpin & Some Clams Y'all

Talk about an awesome weekend y'all! 

To be honest, I headed into this last weekend not being sure what to expect and feeling more exhausted than usual. Beyond all the emotional suppression between Tall D and I, work has been busy busy as I finished preparations for this week's events and finally caught up on all my grading. 

However, as seems to be fast becoming the norm, my friends seem to know what I need better than I do these days, and my buddy Z 'napped me for a long weekend of shrimping, clamming, cooking, fire pitting, and wine indulging up on Hood's Canal in Washington with his friends and fam. We were bummed not to be joined with another buddy of ours nor one of my cousins, but it seriously was a blast all the same....

And who would have thought that THIS GIRL (being me) would go shrimpin......except it totally reminded me of the type of fun things we'd do way back in high school. In fact the whole weekend left me feeling a bit more settled, a lot more relaxed, and yet connected to that ol' 16 year old version of myself in a way I haven't felt in years. The sun was out, I got my grading done, and I even snuck in a short little run alongside the busy highway. I learned a new skill, I expanded my eating choices (morrels, spicy shrimp, clam linguine, smoked salmon over salmon pate on crackers---DELISH!), I actually helped prep for cooking one night, I met some great new people, I got in some kiddie snuggle sessions, I loved on an adorable doggie, and I got to be out on one of my greatest of loves: the water. It seriously was amazing folks!

The 2nd boat in our group searching for the right spots to place their pots.

Z hauling in one of the pots...I'm pretty sure I only snagged a picture of one of our emptiest pots from the weekend. ;)

SHRIMP! Us ladies had the job of counting, bagging, and placing each person's limit on ice. (Each person only gets 80 shrimp per day and you can only have your pots in the water between 9am and 1pm.)

The view from the docks, the day we stopped for a leisurely breakfast in between putting in and pulling up pots.

Gorgeous view of the mountains, no?

Z showing me how to rake up the clams.

Me with some of our clam harvest.

The amazing view from my hotel room's balcony.  

Sunday morning I got in an early call to Mom for Mother's Day before we drove back for me to make the last half of Sunday brunch honoring Granny. It was great to spend some time with Dad's side of the extended family and it gave Granny and I a chance to finally chat about the recent changes in my life. While the conversation didn't start out like I'd hoped, in the end she was able to support and understand all the same. (Sometimes withholding the total truth of one's life in lieu of the "everything's all okay" facade can make it difficult for people to understand once the final veil of the facade is lifted....) Then per the recent norm, Tall D, housemate, my cousin, Z, another buddy and myself had our weekly Sunday evening get together, which actually took us back over to my aunt & uncles for an evening of pizzas and drinks on their amazing deck. 

All in all, the weekend was full of good food, good drinks, good people, and good times. To say that much sunshine and smiles occurred this weekend would be an understatement. Here's hoping the forecasted week of sunshine continues and that those smiles might stay in place also!

Wishing the best for you and yours!

PS Heather---you're the best for the card, thank you so much!

Split...and It Aint the Banana Kind

...although there is a container of Banana Split Tillamook ice cream in my freezer that continues to be steadily eaten away. But it's working toward official folks, Tall D (hub) and I will be no more. The conversation leading toward my knowledge of that decision occurred on Monday night and to say I didn't take the news very well is an understatement. I granted myself two full days off work in the middle of this week to grieve and despair. Ironically the timing couldn't have been much worse since we're smack dab in the midst of last minute event planning, it's mid terms, and Tall D's birthday was on Tuesday....however if there's one thing I'm continually learning, it's that life doesn't always go as planned....more on this in a second.

The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)

To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.

The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.

And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.

I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.

Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!

A Life Update: Bittersweet

How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)

--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.

--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.

--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.

--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free.  Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.

--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....

--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.

---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.

--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him.  Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....

--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.

--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.

--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....

--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.

--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)

--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.

In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.

And Full Swing Continues

At this point I'm pretty sure that June and July were months of hesitation because August was going to be packed! So many amazing things this month and also some incredibly trying times too.

Our whirlwind trip with our friends from Chicago was packed and full of minimal hours of sleep. It was amazing to have them here and our two hubs were seriously ecstatic to spend so much time together. Beyond floating the river, we also took them over to the family beach house:

Their week trip wrapped up with a trip to Multnomah Falls and dinner out at one of our favorite funky Cajun restaurants here in the PNW. They both appear to be PNW converts, even if they have to stay living in the windy city.

The week during their stay included a breakfast with another visiting friend and was the bridal shower for my gal N, which went off wonderfully well. The food, decor, guests, and games all intermingled well, and it was wonderful to see the bride-to-be feel the love and appreciation from all of us in her life. She's an amazing woman who gives so freely to others and has dedicated her life to helping other people improve their situations, thus it was a total honor to be able to coordinate an event to let her know how much people adore and respect her for who she is and for who she will become. That week also marked the completion of my online training.

The end of that whole week marked a difficult time emotionally for me, as several realizations about my own life situation and marriage took place. Somewhere in there I celebrated my 29th birthday, marked by an entire day of purposely doing just about absolutely nothing. Hub was wonderful due to the fact that amidst his own frustrations and hesitations, he did still shower me with respect and care. This year he made a carrot cake that included coconut maple cream cheese frosting and took me out to dinner for sushi. The year 28 transitions easily into 29.

After a few days in which I needed to be present in Portland still, I attended my volunteer training session for the Portland to Coast event, met up with my bride-to-be for some good conversation and wedding related shopping, and then stopped by Granny's for a few hours on my way out of town to my parents. And let me tell you---a few days on the coast attending church, socializing with some of my dearest high school pals, a further drive down the coast to visit with another like-family gal and her kiddos, and love and support from Mom and Dad is all enough to mend one's soul and strengthen one's resolve and pride. Late night conversations with two of my dearest gals curled up on a bed just like we were 16 again did much to restore my belief in life time friends and in the beauty, compassion, vision, and pride in myself. These are the types of moments that Hollywood lives for and that we're lucky to have appear in our normal existence. After four days at home, I headed back to attempt to make my own house again feel like a home.

This last week has been filled with date-like moments with the hub among a whirlwind of other events. We hosted our neighbors for dinner. Wednesday was the last teaching session of the summer and this Wednesday is the final exam. Thursday I interviewed for the new part-time position, was offered the job on Friday, and I start training tomorrow. Thursday evening was the first book (& wine) club and it lived up to every bit of my hopes and expectations (even if I didn't quite finish all 500 pages of The Help). I am loving this group of gals and hope that the ties continue to grow over the coming months. Friday the hub and I spent a great afternoon downtown together which included buying him new (locally produced from Keen) hiking boots, checking out potential new beds and mattresses (Ikea was not a good idea on that account), and concluded with happy hour at Jake's Crawfish (AMAZING drinks and cheap, delish food). Saturday was filled with a full day's float down the Clackamas River with my family, hub's friend, and another couple friends of my cousins. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (we just finally broke 90 degrees for the first time this summer), and I ended the day with a girls dinner out with a visiting friend and her other Portland gals.

Amongst the craziness, my visit home left me restored and for the first time in a long time, I went to church two weeks in a row. Hub and I attended a new church last evening with my cousin and her husband. Spiritually he and I are in different places, but for the first time in a long time I walked out of a new church service feeling like I could be at home there. One thing I've been coming to realize is how difficult it can be to remain steadfast in the midst of uncertainty and newness, yet there are definitely some places I'd like to get back to, even if they are just places and values that are deep inside of me. I'm constantly in awe of God's provision this summer, as each time we've started to feel any sort of a pinch financially, a new financial opportunity has presented itself. Amongst the uncertainty I keep remembering to give and it seems that God continues to provide. I've started to pray again, a bit more regularly, and while I feel that my life is maybe in a period of editing and revision, I am hopeful that some of my old tendencies and beliefs will be returning. Especially as life heads even more into a period of full swing.

If there's one thing that most of you long-term readers have probably noticed, its that my blog gets really quiet when my internal life and thoughts become uncertain. So much for authenticity, eh? :) Although that's probably as authentically me as possible--pull it in and pull it home til it greats straightened out again. Please know that all of you regular readers (that I'm aware of) and friends, were definitely crossing my heart and mind in the interim---hope that y'all have been well!

Marriage, Cottage Cheese, & 2 Years in the Making

So....how do you eat your cottage cheese?

You might think this question to be somewhat strange, but until I got married I was 100% sure that people always ate cottage cheese with sliced fruit. (I mean the cottage cheese and fruit are both served near each other in salad bars and MY family always ate it that way anyway.... ;)). So imagine my surprise when hub thought it (and several of my other food tendencies passed on via my fam's norms) were totally and completely strange. (He eats it plain or with honey---just in case you were wondering.)

So I thought of this again when I had a craving for cottage cheese yesterday and I ate it with cranberries, walnuts, & agave syrup---something that was even strange for me but I wanted to try something even more different and outside my norm....

Where is this going you might ask?! ;) Well this post is somewhat overdue...because really it's been on my mind since before we moved back, ever since we moved back, and oh many times in between. Its something I've discussed with some of my closest friends and its something I tried to touch on to others since returning in order to explain that two years has the ability to change individuals. And it also has to do with someone awesome in our lives coming over to our house last week---who mentioned that she and her husband have been married for 30-40 years but the first year was just royally horrible (aka they almost divorced).....and my husband and I chuckled and thought to ourselves "Thank God for honesty...."

Because, honestly, (here goes....) I think we sorta love hearing other people talk about how hard it was to start out....because for us, it was INCREDIBLY hard starting out. (In all honesty, it was harder than my dad having cancer, my favorite grandfather's death, and all my years of undergrad & grad school). .....And this means, that I probably wasn't overly "authentic" on this blog (nor with many people in my life) for my first 1.5 years of my time in Louisiana......because, well, really you don't want people back at home (or across the world) to know just how hard, how lonely, and how lost you (aka me) feel....and because the last thing you want to do is make anyone worry (because, I mean, that would just make it way worse ;)). (Throw in there the fact that I was raised and generally believe that one should not "air their dirty laundry"....) Now many factors come into play beyond JUST the marriage that made it hard: lack of social support/community, my lack of employment/purpose for six months, limited outdoor pursuits, lots of red tape and social expectations, social age differences, ....and I could go on. But honestly, as much as we knew marriage would be hard....neither of us expected it to take the path that it did for the first 6-12 months of our time together...and that is one thing that I won't necessarily explain or go into on this blog.

So why am I sharing this now? Maybe it's to clear the air. Maybe it's to try to regain authenticity. But maybe it's also slightly because I feel it's important to discuss that I am a changed person because of marriage itself but even more so because of the last two years. Do I still have MOST the same values? Sure thing, but I can also tell you that I care less about many things than I used to, I can cuss like the best of the soldiers, it feels incredibly weird to have everyone around me want to hug me, my mouth has learned to shut on some political and social topics, for better or worse I'm more blunt to most people, and for the last year I haven't been constantly thinking introspectively or even very deeply at all. I also don't cringe anymore when I throw away a plastic lid or a pair of ratty underwear, but I will still dig used batteries out of the trash. I don't like looking people in the eyes when I talk to them anymore, I'm far more impatient (which was something I always struggled with anyway), and for the first month of our return it was incredibly difficult for me to even really talk in depth about any of the big issues of the time or answer too many questions about myself.

And maybe I'm sharing this now....because I truthfully feel that that particular round of tumultuous times and rough start has passed (although I definitely expect others in the future at some point--we're human after all), and now an incredibly enjoyable period of our life has arrived. It's my belief 100% that a large part of it has to do with leaving the Army/infantry environment and returning to an environment that has many of the things that we love. I do feel it's important to state that we did have good times down there, but the last three months of our pre and post transition have honestly been some of the happiest and most blessed of our marriage. These three months have made me firmly believe that we truly did know what we were doing when we ran off and got married and re-solidified the fact that I married a man who is so different from me yet so similar to my core. For the first time since my initial leave from Oregon, I realize that my husband is truly my best and most consistent friend.

....even if he does think I'm a weird-o for eating cottage cheese with fruit, but at least he introduced me to something 100x better and created my love affair with.....The vegetarian breakfast burrito....:)

Amazingly delicious!

The additional irony is that I am actually surprised to admit that while I don't miss much from our Louisiana life, I do really miss my job & working with soldiers....and the constant sunshine......and my old running trails straight out my door. But I also have come to realize that there are some things that will forever bind me to my Army wife friends who ended up winding themselves into my hardened heart, as there is often an ability to understand that which cannot be explained to others. So to them I offer my love and happy vibes to bolster them through all the beautiful and difficult moments of being an infantry unit Army wife.

Like everyone, we'll continue to change both individually and as a couple and life here won't always be all sunshine and roses, but its incredibly fun to feel that we're somewhere in a honeymoon stage that we never had....

....and it's great to feel that all the heartbreak, anger, and sadness actually feels it was worth it based on the reality of what we truly DO have together..and which is evidenced every day in our current existence.

So take it with a grain of salt...I just broke every rule in the book and aired some half-dirty laundry.....but the truth of the matter is, at least its all come clean.... ;)