Am I Too Picky?

Catchy phrases reiterated from my mother will forever reside in the back of my head. Lately the phrase, "Beggars can't be choosers" has been taking a couple of laps around my brain. But my question is: How do we know when we're being too picky?

In this housing ordeal, I find ads that sound appealing and either 1) I don't get a response or 2) I'm left with the feeling that the ad sounds "just right, but..." In the last three weeks I have contacted in some form 10-15 ads. I recognize that this is minimal, but I am ideally looking to live in a select area of the city (which is pickiness #1). I could list any number of additional "pickiness" thoughts that live in my brain: decent sized room, yard, close to public transport, quiet enough to study and sleep, 1-2 other individuals living in the home, individuals that are at least similar or open enough to be okay with my lifestyle, and affordable. But at what point do I truly become the beggar and have to agree to settle?

Housing has forever been a difficult situation for me. I butted heads with both my college dorm roommates based on personality. My final year of college I lived with a great group of girls, but since that time I have primarily chosen to live alone or to return to live with my parents. I have always been sensitive to noise and I appreciate having my own organized space. And the more socially and environmentally aware I become, the more outside my own generation I feel (especially since I have these values but do not engage in smoking anything extra).

I guess now my biggest debate is which item to do I compromise on? Do I give up my preferred mode of public transportation and have to drive slightly farther for I-5 access? Do I begin to contact individuals who have some larger traits that don't adhere to my values? Do I bite the bullet and hope I can afford an extra $50 a month in rent and live in a bit noiser of a neighborhood? Or do I try my best to remain patient for the next couple of weeks, truly believing that the right opportunity will open up?

However, when I truly think about it: beggars are always choosers too. I think about this when it comes to the homeless individuals. And I think about this when it comes to my interactions with friends and family. It still floors me that people "close" to me, still invite me to events that they know contradict my values or continue to ask me to join them at things that they know I don't care to spend money on. So even at this stage of my life, I'm still making choices to turn down things that don't adhere to my values (even though I look like the grinch who stole 'fun' in the process). I wish more people my age would recognize it doesn't take a big event to "build community" and that the best times are spent in the simplest and most low-key of ways.

Until then, please continue to send positive thoughts or prayer this way for a great (and not super compromising) housing situation. Hope you all are having a fabulous week!

Weekend Wedding

There's nothing like going to a wedding you truly believe in. This last weekend I traveled to isolated Oregon for a campground wedding for my good buddy from high school. The groom had arranged for my transport down there with one of his friends, and the five hour trip flew by as we talked about the things you're never supposed to talk about the first time you meet someone (war, politics, religion, life philosophy).

From a frugal and green stand point the wedding was awesome. They spent limited funds on renting the location, the wedding was small and intimate. The cake was delicious and made by a coworker of the bride. The photographer was a friend of the groom. The food was catered but no leftovers remained. Half the beer was home brewed. Decorations were minimal. Dress was casual. And as much as possible was recycled.

The females spent the first night in the couple's home with the bride, while the males all bonded at the uncle of the groom's place. The second night was spent with a small group of us camping at the wedding site. It was great to reconnect with a fun group from high school and to get away from the stress of the city. (Although the bugs were intense and walking through thousands of them to get into the bathroom was not the most fun experience.)

I also was quite impressed to hang out with several other people my age that are as concerned about debt as I am. The couple getting married almost have their house paid off and have already bought outright two pieces of property. One near the campground and a vacant lot adjacent to their home. They make a decent sized income, but they are also very aware of how they spend their money. Both are very crafty as well. The couple I drove with also are aware of money and the power of it. Both have good paying jobs now and have begun questioning what is truly necessary versus what is desired.

Overall it was a great experience. Time away from the city. Time in nature. Time with great (old and new) friends. Time seeing things that one truly can believe in. I hope that you all had a great weekend as well!

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Small Town

But you can't keep her from missing the small town! In the last year, I have been back to my home town very infrequently. There are many reasons for avoiding it-most of which have to do with the length of the trip. However the last two times I've been there, I've realized that another reason I don't go as frequently as I'd like is due to the fact that I miss it too much upon my return. The irony of this is that I find myself quite satisfied with the city for the most part, except for when I get a taste of small town life.

However today I had a small bout of hometown desire. While recycling is harder to do in a small town, I find it much easier to engage in re-use. Part of this is due to the fact that everyone knows everyone and that resources are readily accessible. If I want to sell books, I go straight to the local book store where she knows me by name and where I get 50% of the retail value of the book. Granted I have to use it for store credit, but it sure beats the measly 25% the city's used book stores will give me.

If I want to donate items in the small town, I know of several organizations within easy driving distance that will accept household goods and clothing to give directly to individuals who need them. After researching today, I could only find one place that would accept the items I wanted to donate and it's located far out on the other side of the city. (However this is something I will do, as I've realized that while it's nice to donate to Goodwill to have items reused, at times I'd rather donate goods that will get directly where they are needed.)

When I wanted to donate a piece of glass today from a broken frame, I was able to walk it to a nearby frame shop, but even then the woman wasn't sure she would put it to re-use. In my small town existence, the art supply/frame shop would have been delighted by the free glass.

So while the city is great because it has more resources and is generally of a more liberal slant, I'm finding it's actually harder to get items to places in order to have them be re-used. Too bad the city couldn't be more of a series of sustainable small town pockets.

Housing

Yesterday I was sort of mopey. I am not a huge fan of unknowns and patience is a lesson I am constantly having to relearn. On Saturday, I met with the three housing contacts I had made via craigslist.

Place #1 and Place #3 were the best options, with Place #3 being the one I was most interested in. Place #3 is owned by a woman slightly older than myself. She is like-minded and civic-ly involved. There is a garden, worm compost, and a clothesline in the backyard. The room is in the back of the house and there is a room in the basement that could benefit from extra furniture (and has storage). Rent is a wonderful, flat rate, and the house is near a park. The location is also two blocks from public transportation, and two blocks from I-5 access. The commute to my practicum would be about 8 minutes.

Place #1 let me know the next day that they had selected the other person they interviewed. However I haven't heard from Place #3 yet. I sent her an email checking in on Monday, and am hopeful to get some sort of response in the next day or two. To be on the safe side, I have started looking for other options again.

Yet, even with all of my housing angst yesterday, I still felt slightly guilty. For my afternoon class yesterday we participated in a homeless immersion. The downtown area of Portland has a high homeless population which has spurred controversy in recent months. As part of the immersion, we were led by a formerly homeless gentleman on a tour of the agencies that provide services in downtown to the homeless population. While there are a lot of people doing good things, it was still amazing to learn about the gaps. For all of the homeless in the city, there are only TWO locations that offer showers for those not currently in shelters. There is only ONE restroom available 24/7. There are long lines for individuals to get into shelters (many of which operate on a random draw system), and only one shelter that will allow homeless individuals to bring in their pets. Why do homeless individuals need pets? Well, pets offer protection and companionship. Often they are the only living things that will interact and offer love to a homeless individual on a consistent basis.

Besides the walking tour, we were encouraged to just walk around the area and talk to people on the streets. Anyone that reads this blog, knows that it's not hard for me to stop and talk to a homeless individual, so my group met a couple of different people. We had questionnaires, but I felt it created an increased power dynamic, and so we just chatted with people instead. We met a couple with two gorgeous and friendly dogs. They had just received domestic partnership status after being together for five years. The one gentleman had been through the youth system and thus had documentation to receive food stamps. Both admitted to having mental health issues of some sort. They survive by camping in different locations (however we learned yesterday that camping, sitting, and laying in the city is illegal for homeless individuals).

The tour wrapped up with two individuals who came to speak to us briefly about how they had ended up on the streets, although both are currently living in apartments. One man is a recovering drug addict. He's been clean for a year and begins a new job today. Passing him on the street today, you never would have known that he spent the majority of the last 20 years being homeless. The other gentleman was a veteran who had spent about 10 years being homeless (8 of them in a camping community under a local bridge) after he lost his wife to breast cancer. The recurring theme yesterday was that homelessness can happen for a variety of reasons (anyone seen The Pursuit of Happyness?). There are a lot of individuals with A&D or mental health issues, but that does not stand for everyone. And there are a lot of street kids in the city as well.

So here I was moping about my housing woes, when really I have no woes in comparison to so many others. I might currently be financially hard pressed but I have so much. And really, all I want to do now...is donate my shower.

A Perfect Ending to a Day

Today was one of those days that started with a list:
Email practicum supervisor-check
Email housing option-check
Track down vaccination history-check
Respond to job email-check
Finish scholarship application-check
Finish course readings-check
Make weekend plans-check

And before you know it, you need something new. Something to take you away from your computer, away from the interior of your apartment, away from what is making you stir crazy with your thoughts.

SO I went for a walk. Up the big hill to the park. And then on to the city's immense Rose Garden. Where I laid in the grass, had a long talk with God, watched the birds, heard the bees, smelled the flowers, and just....relaxed...and soaked it all in. At some point, all the stress dissipated from my shoulders, my senses heightened, and I just felt at ease in my surroundings. And to top it all off, I jumped on the swings and flew in the breeze before coming home.

I came back to my apartment to discover a voice mail on my phone. My aunt had called wanting to know if they could bring me some produce from their garden. How could I deny that?! Fresh zucchini, lettuce, snow peas, and blueberries-straight from the backyard. And on top of that they took me to my favorite local restaurant for dinner. Good food, good beer, and even better company and conversation.

What a perfect second half to an otherwise regular day. So many blessings come in disguise and so many come in the most perfectly, simple of experiences.

On top of all that my good buddy from high school is getting married this weekend. I had RSVPed yes, but after my budgeting evening told him no. He responded that I had to be there, so he's tracking me down a ride (it's 5 hours away) and providing me with lodging (most likely camping). I feel so thankful for the steadiness of good friends and family, and for little moments away....

Plastics

So my sister-in-law, always a fearless reader of Simply Authentic blog, sent me two forwards today that I found to be quite interesting. So I am passing them on to you the blog reader.

The first is a link to a little informative quasi power point that promotes tote bag usage and gives facts on the plastic bag problem. You can find it here: http://www.poconorecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080506/MULTIMEDIA02/80505016

The second is an interesting blog based on 3 individuals who have put together an excursion to Hawaii via a "sail boat" on plastic bottles. You can find it here: http://junkraft.blogspot.com/

I know, I know, blogland doesn't like being linked over to different sites, but in this case you should. Quick, easy, painless, and informative. Good resources to send on to others.

Hope you are having a wonderful start to the week!

Practicum Experiences

Day one at the practicum: I have SO much to learn! Policy, systems, law, interventions, theory, case management practice, community resources, insurance, science, and then all the basic information on the populations we are serving.

Day two: It's all about relationship and not being judgmental. I'm having to learn to go completely outside of my comfort zone with populations that usually are judged by society. It's about meeting people where they are at and helping them to make the safest decisions possible, even if they may not be the decisions that society looks upon with pleasure. It's about creating rapport with people and recognizing that we're all human-and we deserve to be treated as such.

One highlight from today is that I had two great client interactions, including a client who shared a story about the kindness of strangers. The other client mentioned that he recognized me from the streets of my city-I hope he's one of the people I've passed and smiled at or had a quick conversation with on the street. Just goes to remind me that we meet people in daily interactions without realizing how much our future interactions may be dependent on the initial meeting and treatment.

As much as I fought this placement, I can already tell I am going to learn so much and be a much better practitioner because of it. As much as I hate it, sometimes going outside of our comfort zone really does create the most growth in us.

Some other perks about my placement:

1) It's the greenest government facility I've seen. Lots of large windows for lighting and heating (AC is monitored as well). The lighting is reduced (which drives my eyes crazy but is a much more environmentally friendly option). There are no true trash cans at desks. There is a rectangular bin (looks like the type of container that dirty dishes go into) for recycling and a very small square container that hooks to the side of it for the trash. No plastic liners and the trash one is so small that you have to recycle as much as possible. In the break room, there are 4 bins. One is composting for food stuffs. One is paper recycling. One is plastic/drink recycling. And the final one is trash. In the main work room, recycling for plastic and paper is prevalent and trash cans are sparse.

2) Wellness is largely incorporated. An acupuncturist is available for lunch ear-needling (for stress reduction) sessions, and they are working on getting massage students in as well. Individuals walk on their breaks and during lunch. Nature excursions are available for employees after work and on the weekends. Twice a year large wellness events and outings occur.

3) Cohesion is amazing. Teams are fluid. Individuals work well with and support each other. Employees help out on other teams as needed. Each team promotes the programs of the other. Supervisors are readily available and sit amongst the cubes as well. The building is set up to create employee and client interaction (such as no private restrooms for staff). Because of all this staff retention here is incredible! Just goes to show that when departments invest in their employees, employees invest in their departments.

So just remember....regardless of who you are...it's all about the treatment of others...you get out of the world, what you put into it....

Productive Changes

I have to wonder how my head is staying on straight lately, but it is! I have to give huge props to my family and several of my friends-all have offered many words of encouragement and reflective ears. This entire experience has given me the opportunity to notice how much I have grown. I have, for the most part, learned how to take life in stride. Don't get me wrong, there will be moments of "overwhelmingness" and verbally purging my thoughts, but within the last several years I have lived a much calmer existence.

Part of it has been learning to live more simply, part of it is having a deeper trust of life, and part of it is the continual support from those in my life.

During the last week I have been able to accomplish many things. I accepted a practicum placement working with HIV prevention. This position is one that will push me in new directions and will include working with a population I have never worked with previously. I attended my second session of classes for the new program, and feel that I will gain a vast array of new skills and knowledge during the coming year. This year will primarily focus on my courses and practicum for the social work program, although I will still be picking up some classes to complete the public health program. I also will have a public health internship which I hope to do internationally next summer.

I have learned how to navigate craigslist and have been exploring my housing options throughout the week. I contacted 5 households and at this point am to meet with two of them this weekend. All prospects are within blocks of public transportation (downtown/campus travel) and have quick freeway access (practicum placement transportation). All prospects also have gardens, roommate(s) with similar or compatible interests, and most have a cat. And all prospects will save me about $200-250 a month. Hopefully the right opportunity will work out, especially since I put in my 30 day notice on the apartment this afternoon.

Yesterday I submitted an extensive application for a student retention and diversity program graduate assistantship position. Today I sent in my resume for a grant funded research project in which I would interview meth users who are receiving HIV education. I also contacted an organization about part-time employment mentoring youth. The key is finding something flexible to work with the schedule I'll have next year, but I'm hopeful that one of these contacts will provide me with something.

I'm almost done with the final scholarship application, and am still praying that one of the other scholarships I applied for this spring will come through. Not all of them have been awarded until this point and just one would take a huge weight off my shoulders.

But generally, I'm keeping my head on my shoulders. Except for declining multiple social invitations, I'm still laughing, still walking, still reading for class, still praying, and still checking in with people in my life. And this morning I learned how simple it is to modify a large manila envelope into two legal sized envelopes! Yet another example that there's always a way to create something new out of something difficult.

I hope you all have been having a wonderful week!

Better Than I Thought

Last night, in the shower, I realized that in response to my posting from a couple of days ago, I'm living more simply and greener than I sometimes give myself credit. Why did this thought arise? Well a) I was showering with just the light through the window (to save electricity and to cut down on the heat in my apartment, something I do quite frequently). b) I was lathering up with "natural" soaps, shampoos, & conditioner while shaving with a recycled razor. and c) I was thinking about how long I can go without having to replenish any groceries and about how I'm trying a little experiment of going without deodorant. But it dawned on me how natural these types of actions have become in my life. Sure there's room for improvement, but I'm doing a lot that I tend to take for granted.

I spent most of yesterday reading for my classes and going through the piles of accumulated magazines and bulletins that I have received over the last year. While I'm on the "no contact" marketing lists, I do subscribe to one bimonthly magazine, Mother Earth News, and I receive one monthly newspaper from the American Public Health Association due to being a member. Both of which are packed with wonderful information, but neither of which I actually read on a regular basis.

There's something about moving that makes you take stock of all that you own however. I do not have much, mainly by choice, in comparison to other apartment dwellers, but somehow it's possible to accumulate no matter how little you own. Thus I'm in the process of weeding out un-necessary documents (recycling), books (selling), and shoes (donating), and thinking of how best to pack most things.

Waking up yesterday, I realized that I would be best off financially if I can move into a cheaper living situation before September. I have made a few contacts to individuals via craigslist and am hoping for the best. I will need to put in my notice to my apartment manager, but hope I have ample time to find something new. I also should know within the next few days exactly where my practicum placement will be and on which days, decreasing the amount of unknowns currently present in my life. I'm just making sure to keep my head up and my prayers strong.

However this whole process has again reminded me of how difficult it is to be on the lower economic rung of society-a place where more people are headed during this difficult time within our nation. I'm lucky enough to have had the foresight to recognize my situation and begin to take action ahead of time. I also realize that while I'm drastically reigning in (no going out at all, no extra purchases besides necessities), I am making that decision by choice in order to maybe have a bit of breathing space left in the next few months. Many others make this daily decision because they truly have no other choice. I've also been reminded of how difficult it is to buy organic and use natural personal care products, when the funds do not exist to allow these extra perks. So sad that we must exchange our long term health and that of the Earth in order to survive in the short term.

So in comparison, I truly do feel that I'm doing better than I thought, and if anything I'm opening my eyes again and realigning to the better way to live.

Childhood Values

Yesterday I had a realization-well actually many realizations. But I realized that part of the current wastefulness/rudeness issue stems from my generation choosing to disregard many of the lessons we were taught as children.

This thought pattern initially started a week or so back when I dropped my camera on the floor. This is the camera that is less than a year old, and my initial thought was, "oh well, i dropped it." I'm not sure if this thought stemmed from my not attributing complete meaning to material goods, but lately I wondered if I didn't care because really I could go out and at some point buy another camera. Thinking about all of this, I realized that as a child, I was taught to take much better care of objects. If I would have dropped the family camera back then, I would have been in a lot more trouble and gotten a lecture about the value of taking care of expensive goods.

Yet how often in our throw away society do we really try to take the best care of our items? We see this lack of value being demonstrated as people ruin multiple goods, their bodies, and the Earth. Now I'm not a proponent of placing un-necessary priority on material goods, but I do feel that taking better care of (along with the creation of longer lasting) goods could prevent a good portion of the waste we create.

Another thought that came up yesterday in conversation with my cousin pertains to appropriate respect for others. How lax our society has become! While certain traditions only increase burdens and waste, some courtesies are ones that I miss. In my opinion, it is proper to give respect when respect is due. As a (military) child I was taught to use appropriate attire and communication when interacting with others, and I would still prefer to do so in the professional world. I believe in calling the elderly by titles such as sir or ma'am. I believe in modest dress while working. I believe in professional emails and greetings when setting up meetings or requesting employment. I feel that pleasantries can be useful and professionalism decreases pettiness. How sad that so many other adults do not feel the same. How have we lost so many of the values instilled in us by an older generation?

One additional "tradition" that has been passed through our family is also a "repurposing" of sorts. I'm not quite sure where it started, but somehow an ugly carnival gift has made its way into the exchanged gifts of our family members for decades now. The gag gift has now been infiltrated from our parents generation into that of us cousins, and today it was passed on to me via a thank you gift from my cousin. I kept wondering why it was so important to her to give me a gift for watering their plants while they were gone, and then I was instructed not to open it until I got home. And there beautifully wrapped and placed in a bag with a grocery gift card, I found it....the (now) dismantled-kept-together-in-a-ziploc-bag monkey. I wonder who I can pass it on to next.....although my sister and I already thought of a much needed gift for one member of the family. Somehow I don't plan to hang onto this thing for the same amount of time as my cousin! :-) However, if you're family and reading this, let's keep my having this beauty a secret amongst us...

For your benefit, here he is, taken out of the plastic and all:

Positives

Since I've been sort of a "Debbie Downer," I thought I would post a quick list of some of the things I am most grateful for as of late. Even in the midst of uncertainity there is always something positive going on.

I'm thankful for:
-phone calls with my father
-the ability to buy more time on decisions
-the hospitality of my cousin
-clean sheets
-the change of seasons we've finally had
-yet the coolness of the evenings
-sweet talking
-the faith of my family
-my nephew's mission trip to Honduras
-safe travels
-extra candles from my sister
-evenings with muffins & decaf coffee
-the ability to read & learn
-friends who are therapeutically inclined
-the opportunity to live in a nation based on freedoms
-values & traditions
-the opportunity to continue formal education
-the smile of strangers
-the Internet
-groceries in my cupboards
-used textbooks
-and the ability to give amid trials.

In moments such as these, I recognize that my "trials" are nothing compared to those faced by most of the world. If only I could remember that in every moment. How lucky I am!

I hope you all have an incredible weekend!

Harsh Realities

After trying to catch up last night on several of my favorite blogs, I came across the answers to several of my questions in my last post. One thing that hit home was the necessity to look at the amount of income I have and the amount that has gone out. So last night I sat down with my checkbook, online banking, calculator, and a clean Word document and mapped out where my trackable money has gone over the last 3 months. Even with being as careful as I am, it was astonishing to see how much money I have to shell out each month in regards to just the basic essentials. By essentials I am including: rent, electricity, internet, phone, car payment, gas, and food. For me, internet makes life a whole lot easier, gas is minimal since I do not drive much, and the car payment while not necessarily essential will be worthwhile once it's officially paid off. These areas are areas that I feel are necessary for me to continue to pay.

Previous to doing all of this, I knew that my basic essentials were about $250 more than what I have coming in currently from student loans. However I had a cushion from my summer job and returned taxes, so until this point it has been fine. Looking forward to the coming year, I realize that "fine" will no longer do as I am going to be above my means and several things will incur increased expenses for the coming year. 1) As of now, I have received slightly less scholarships than I did last year (although I'm still praying more will come through). 2) Each year tuition and fees increase. 3) Due to my practicum, I will have to drive more than last year increasing transportation expenses. And 4) in order to finish both masters in only one more year, I will have to overload a few terms-additionally driving up tuition costs.

Additionally, I realized that even with the minimal social participation that I do each month, I am still spending between $100-200 on various non-essentials. Add onto that the fact that each month I had non-expected expenses ranging from $200-500 based on additional school costs, loan interest on previous school loans, and the car registration ordeal. And with all that combined you can see how I am WAY over budget. Looking at the year ahead, I can't even afford to pay my essentials, let alone the occasional non-essential-I'm-still-somewhat-a-member-of-society, or the always present non-expected expenses.

So where can I make a difference?
1) I could sell my car, but that's not an option I want to take as even with the little I do use it, if I had to pay public transportation and buy into a monthly Flex car option for the distance driving I do, I would actually be more money out. I actually have a fairly cheap car payment and a car that gets pretty good mpg.

2) I can move, which I hate to do as I have not lived continually in the same location for over a year in the last 8 years but this is the most accesible option. I have started looking on craigslist again to see what exists with easy freeway and downtown access. It's just hard via craigslist to know what you might be getting into and I would then be moving yet again next summer. However a change in living situation would a) grant me access to a yard and b) decrease my essential expenses by about $200-300 each month.

3) I can get a part-time job, which is necessary. However I'm learning how much more difficult it is to do this in a large city with so many other educated, young professionals. I'm either too qualified, someone else is already in mind, not likely to stay in the job, or don't have the correct amount of time. I miss small campuses and small towns. The most likely thing is to try to sub on the days I'll have free.

So currently this is where I find myself. Exploring options for ways to decrease expenses while still being able to maintain my sanity for the coming year and full of prayer and hope that the correct doors will open.

Is it Reverting, Compromise, or Becoming Comfortable?

This week was the beginning of my new program and yesterday included 10 minute presentations on ourselves to the cohort. While there are only 12 of us, only 4 of us are local to Portland. The others have come from San Francisco, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Montana, Missouri, Utah, and New Mexico. All are social workers of course, and most seem "green" inclined. Their reasons for coming to Portland vary beyond school, but they seem to be representative of the influx of new people to Portland.

Somehow the fact that I am "local" makes me laugh. As much as I pride myself on being Oregonian, I have realized that although I've lived in Oregon for 16 years, I still hesitate to say I'm from the state. This is especially ironic when I believe my mentality is fairly representative of the state even with the urban/rural divide. So why is it that I hesitate to pinpoint my origin? Maybe it's because I feel I can't wrap my origin into just one segment of my life. Instead I like to think of myself as global citizen-even with how idealist that seems.

While the assignment of presenting myself was easy, it was also difficult to know just how much to share and how to make sense of myself for others. I always begin with the word "contradictive" as descriptive of my attributes, and I mainly blame this on the fact that I was raised in numerous locations and had a variety of experiences which forced me to see both sides of most stories. From the term contradictive, I tried to touch on the key points. Ten years of military and moving; faith based traditional family; the contrast from liberal Eugene to conservative small town; my year in Argentina; the stress of overloaded credits, multiple jobs, too many commitments in college with the benefit of a summer in London; my grandfather's death, my father's cancer, and my brother's divorce; multiple moves home, an attempt at a real job and then graduate school; and ending with Blood Diamond and the changes the simplicity movement invoked for me.

Which leads me to my thoughts of: as of late am I reverting to pre-simplicity/frugality/green living or am I compromising? For the most part many of my initial changes have remained the same. I still walk when possible, use organic products, recycle, reduce use and waste, donate, conserve when I can, and generally be as frugal as I can. But in the last several months I have also bought toxic make-up and gone shopping for new summer clothes. I've also reverted in some areas due to city living (such as using the clothes dryer). However, I suppose my question stems more from the concept that if one isn't moving forward in change, is one instead being stagnant? If I have reverted in some outward areas, am I truly being representative of the lifestyle? Or is it just that many of these actions have become so ingrained in me that it's hard to recognize them as "other" anymore?

When I want so badly to convince more people that change needs to occur, am I doing enough to demonstrate that it's possible? Am I truly living the lifestyle that I feel needs to be lived or instead am I conforming to what society expects? This balance is so hard to strike at times. How do you remain a part of and adhere to many of the ways of society when deep down you feel that society is mainly wrong? When is it compromising and when is it instead hypocrisy?

The shining light lately is seeing the changes that my parents have continued to make even without being forced into it by my presence in their home. Mom has become the recycling advocate among her family, coworkers, and friends. They continue to seperate out for recyling things they can recycle locally and things they must take to the valley to recycle. For the most part, she uses her tote bags and at least thinks about what is in the products they use. They purchased a Prius (and yes, I've heard the debate about how horrible the actual making of hybrids is for the world). Dad still bikes when he can. He mows with an electric mower. They have become the "greenies" in a fairly non-greeny land.

And maybe that's the trick of it. Just doing what you can when you can and being okay with it when you can't. And letting yourself be okay with the small steps back in comparison to the big steps forward already made.....