Life: Both a Cluster...and Yet Beautiful

Sometimes parts of life....are hard. Sometimes you realize yet again that things are missing. Sometimes you realize (again) that the promises you meant to keep....might not actually be kept. Sometimes areas of life seem painfully sad....and less than hopeful. And sometimes stubbornness continues to reign its head. Sometimes one needs to actually take the time to stop and think and listen and realize that what everyone else is saying....does have truth. And sometimes it's hard to think about potentially shutting a door, even when one knows that door has already been half shut. Sometimes one gets tired of thinking and talking and answering questions about the same old, same old, no change game. And sometimes you just need a break. And sometimes one needs to realize that asking someone to change who they are in their core is probably a no-win outcome. Sometimes you don't know which is worse.....being kept in a corner or being independently solo...again.

And yet sometimes, there's nothing as gratifying as a few moments of walking in a back yard. Of seeing green shoots and watching thick ladies sit on eggs. Of scratching, shedding dogs or snoozing, comfortable cats. Sometimes there's nothing as satisfying as a cup of tea in one's favorite flowered mug or the smell of work coffee wafting from a cup. Sometimes there's nothing like throwing one's self into work---finalizing projects and discussing pertinent issues with those who make academic decisions. Sometimes you recognize that the benefits you bring to those you work with, also want to be bestowed back upon you. And sometimes there's patience to be gleaned from waiting on PR phone calls from New York and working with community partners. Sometimes waiting for hours for maintenance issues to be completed is just the forced reprieve one needs. Sometimes the biggest smiles come from catching dogs snout deep in chicken feed or from multiple viewings of tickled penguins. Sometimes even though you realize it could potentially just be a lost cause, you relish every kiss, every touch, every look...as they're finally brought back into rotation. And sometimes you continue to wait with guarded heart and limited hope, because what you've hoped beyond hope for days and months and years seems to be considered unreasonable and unmet.

But in every gray cloud there continues to be elements of silver linings and who knows that better than those of us who live here in Oregon? And behind every winter always arrives spring..followed but the bounty and beauty of summer.

Another Weekend Away

Hiya folks and happier Monday!

As mentioned in my outfit post, I spent another weekend away. You might be thinking I'm running away from my full house but really I'm not....although I may have high-tailed it down the highway needing a mental health break from life---no lies. This time I headed directly for my other home---that town on the coast where my parents live, where I went to high school, where I met hub, and where there's just another vibe of life. I went thinking that I would feel so much more at ease and relaxed with time away, but in reality leaving here made me realize just how much I have here. I missed my dogs, my cats, my chickens, my bed....and I wanted nothing more than to be back where I could sit hub down for a long conversation. Originally I was going to come back today but instead I came back last night.

I took my time on the drive back---thinking about life, blaring the tunes, and appreciating the country. I took the back roads that hub isn't as keen to take and I breathed in remembering that views like the one below are what make Oregon forever feel like my home in my heart:

I might get tired of being home sometimes, but no other place has everything I could want.

My emotions have been all over the place the last two weeks--like perpetual PMS--it's been fabulous. Haha. I'm tired of work, tired of picking up the house, tired of not getting enough time with hub, tired of not being able to fix things for other people I love, tired of the gray days and ready for summer. An hour before I had to teach last Wednesday I also started feeling an UTI---needless to say I chugged an entire bottle of pure cranberry juice, five glasses of water, and then called class after two hours (an hour early) so I could come home to sleep it off. I stayed home Thursday morning and slept some more (and honestly I slept til 11am this morning). Since Thursday I haven't had any coffee, almost no alcohol, less sugar.....and what I've realized is that my body is exhausted and I'm probably more stressed by life in general than I've let myself realize. I also recognize however that there are many, many who have more to complain about than I---perspective is a good way to keep going.

Going home was good for many reasons. I spent time with Mom & Dad. One of my high school best friends fit me into her schedule for lunch on Saturday.....and our hour bitch fest again put my life in perspective and left us both looking forward to the road trip to come this August. I spent much time with hub's "fam"----visiting our newest "nephew" (hub's middle name sake), then attended the county beauty pageant to support our gal who was in it. On Sunday, I went to church with Mom and Dad---and just being there in the church of my youth and hearing the message, left me restored and remembering how much an important aspect of my life that needs to be. It's no wonder I get overwhelmed and whiny, when I start to lose perspective on what it's all about.

On the trip back I stopped briefly at my sister's and then headed over to my brother's to hang out for a bit. And then I arrived back to my house just as it was getting dark. Hub and I spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in conversation--not always the one we wanted to be having, but it was much, much needed and the resolution was closer to where we need to be. I so love that man but it's not always an easy road for either of us. A quick bite at 10pm, an episode of The Walking Dead snuggled on the couch together, and then some reading in bed before lights out---how time goes by so fast I'm always unsure!

This week is already looking like it'll be interesting. One of my vets is supposed to be coming to help put together a presentation, there's a staff meeting/event planning meeting on Friday, an urgent meeting got called for tomorrow morning, and then it's the final week of teaching and regular work week. Next week is finals, grades, and then I kid you not.....I will be sitting on my butt somewhere for the week of spring break---just two weeks to go and it can't get here soon enough!

As much as I'm tired and probably sounding full of complaints, I still recognize how good I have it. I have a solid husband who can melt my heart with a single look in the moments when he lets me see it. I have two rambunctious and loving dogs who bring so much joy to my life. I look out my back windows and see our chickens running around like crazies, laying their eggs in random places, but still being entertaining and productive. I have a warm, full home---one big enough to provide for others who need a place to be. I have great landlords. I have two jobs which allow me to educate and impact others, when all I really need is one. I have the freedom to choose whether or not I keep those jobs. I have parents and siblings who love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. And when I grant the time I should to think about it, I have a Father who will continue to hold me in his palm--protecting, providing, and guiding. I have so much......that so easily gets overlooked in the minor concerns of the day.

More to say but this is already out of control---remind me to post about age---and feeling it :)

If you made it this far, I apologize for the internal word dump and I sincerely hope y'all had restoring weekends! But even more, I hope y'all have a great week ahead of you!

Ho Hum The Week is (Almost) Done

This has been a week of lots of great joys, endings, and well, PMS and pity parties. ;) Poor hub has gotten to deal with my hot and cold emotions--oh the joys.

So some of the great things:

On Monday, we took the dogs on a 5.5 mile hike along a river trail and then I spent the afternoon at happy hour with two of my cousins:

ON TUESDAY, we drove down to Salem to pick up Mom & Dad's picnic table that Dad had driven up for us to house and use. We ended up going out for dinner with Granny & Dad and then stayed for hub to watch the basketball game with Granny. There's something incredibly pleasant about listening to 3 of my favorite people chattering in the room at the same time. The picnic table is the perfect size for our covered patio and will be absolutely wonderful for our next BBQ:

ON WEDNESDAY I gave my students their finals, corrected them, and inputted final grades. Spring term is over and its two weeks until summer term begins. Dreaming of camping plans and Oregon site seeing began.

ON THURSDAY we ran the dogs down to the dog park, completed another 2.5 miles to finish off the loop after they'd had time to play in the sun, and then came home to learn that the neighbor was having a tree cut down and wanted us to trim the apple tree in order to empty the yard debris trailer. So hub got to trimming and I got to dragging branches. Then we headed off to watch the softball game of one of my friend's 8 yo daughter. So cute to watch!

AND all week we've been eating out of this fabulously delicious watermelon: :)



This week we've hiked less even though the weather's been nice and my dreams of camping next week have been slow going in development. I've been having some pitiful moments of feeling like I need something to look forward to, especially since it's been harder than I'd imagined to reintegrate to the social circle I once had here--somehow it's so easy to forget that people move on and incorporate new interests and individuals. And it's really not fair to demand and expect for hub to be my sole entertainment, supporter, and listener at all times.  Add on to that the fact that three months back in Oregon seems to have turned on my overwhelming brain functioning, and I'm turning into a sniveling ninny. ;)

So in an attempt to get over myself today, I'm holing up this afternoon watching one of my never fail feel good movies (Catch & Release) and then I'm hoping to go for a three mile run. I figure a good night's sleep tonight and a BBQ and hiking tomorrow should hold me over til we can get out in nature together. Here's hoping!

Hope you all are enjoying a peaceful weekend!

It's Icy & Dicey

Winter overtook much of the mid-west and east coast this weekend, but it officially landed for the first time this season upon our local area. While we have had a relatively dry season, the recent rain and freezing temperatures led to the closure of most of the surrounding area for icy cautionary reasons. This led to a Friday of working from home for me and an extra day off for the hub. We hunkered down for most of the day but did venture out with the dogs to explore what was actually icy. The coldest temperatures arrived last night but today's sunshine has already melted what ice did exist and we're projected to be in the 60s tomorrow.

Beyond the actual thermometer, its been a bit icy & dicey in our home as well as the hub and I continue to refine and research the choices of our upcoming transition back to Oregon. We have official dates and paperwork is beginning to move, but our housing options so far have been limited due to the dogs (especially with Anna looking so much like a German Shep) and much of the information that should determine the ideal area to live won't arrive until after we need to be relocating. It's beginning to feel that 75% of our "free" time is spent researching and contacting housing options and that the areas that appear to be more dog flexible are less conducive to our commuting needs. In addition, we're both researching and applying for additional employment opportunities. To say there is much still up in the air is an understatement.

So instead, I've taken the morning off and the hub's done a great job of emailing and contacting places. Instead I've been catching up on blogs and thinking about the wonderful opportunities that will be available upon a return to the Pacific Northwest. Such as:
----Receiving a monthly food box from Organics to You and getting eggs and other goodies from local Farmer's Markets
----Increased recycling options, including glass, batteries, and electronics
----Wading and walking along the Oregon coast and watching the dogs enjoy their coastal initiation
----Enjoying a local microbrew with a plate of tots or garden burger
----Supporting causes important to our family & friends
----Attempting to find a church home suitable to our needs
----Fabulous hiking and outdoor activities
---Participating in family events & BBQs

---Frequenting bulk bins at Freddies

I just have to keep believing that everything will work out for the better! And soon instead of iciness, we'll be surrounded by spring showers, sunshine, and flowers....

It's Not About Me

So today for the second time in the last few weeks, I found myself annoyed with.....me. Because you see, lately (ahem maybe the last year...two years.....) it feels like this life is all about....me. So many sentences start with I, so many sentences focus on I, so many thoughts start and focus on I.....and really it's pretty tiring all this I, I, I all the time. Because truthfully, this life, well it's not about me. In the big scheme of things, my life is one little dot on the map and really there's not much missing from this life. Some of those big thoughts I mentioned in a previous post pertained to the disconnect that exists at times between our expectations of life and what the reality of our moments really can be at times. Its so easy to become upset with everything we DO have because it doesn't always compare to what we thought we might be getting.  Well, I hate to break it to myself, but there's not much for this gal to be complaining about.....

SO much gets taken for granted or still desired, when there are many others who could benefit from simple generosity. Part of the reason for my initial attraction to a life of simplicity was due to the lack of acquisition and due to the old standby statement of "living simply so that others may simply live." Rather than wasting money and resources, life took on a new meaning of being purposeful and mindful about purchases and how to greater bless the lives of others. While part of that mentality still exists, much has been lost in the last several months/couple years. While personal life has headed in lots of new directions, there still is ample room for generosity and mindfulness to prevail and for less of a focus on myself.

In thinking about how my selfish nature has evolved, somehow this song continues to enter my mind. The reality is the most settled life has ever been is when I felt most aligned with walking in the faith of Christian values which are pretty similar to those of living a life of simplicity. When my thoughts and focus goes back to the "heart of the matter" then its truly not about me anymore, but rather how I can be a vessel to demonstrate love, generosity, and companionship to others. When the "heart of the matter" is ever present, a life of stewardship and mindfulness come much more easily. So while it probably won't be easy, I'm working toward reconnection with that old matter of the heart and with being a better global citizen, giver, and protector.

My heart and soul breaks for the suffering the world over and while it might be overwhelming at times, the best way to make an impact on that suffering is to do something, anything....rather than to hide in the shadows pretending that the world is peachy keen. To help out where one can and in whatever way one can.....this is something I need to get back to....giving my money, giving my time, giving my prayers, and giving my heart.

This blog wasn't necessarily supposed to be a diary of me either.....that doesn't mean that you aren't going to continue to learn way too much personal info than I ever intended to broadcast across the web, but it does mean that maybe, just maybe there will finally be some educational posts---sharing that wealth of education and knowledge gleaned throughout my public health, social work, and education programs. Wouldn't that be food for thought?!

So on that note, I'm going to redirect you to an old post I wrote about a wonderful charitable organization back home. This organization continues to touch my heart and soul as they provide such a worthy service to many individuals that are frequently bypassed and overlooked on the streets. They haven't given up hope on the fabulous individuals they are serving although their funding is seriously touch and go almost every month, and they haven't given up on me for being a touch and go donor either (nor do they harass the mailbox either). Adding to the goals on the sidebar will be one pertaining to donating in some form each and every month to a charitable organization.

Please bear with me and show patience as I continue to learn that it's NOT all about me......and please feel free to remind me when I get too far out of alignment. Here's to getting back to the heart of the matter......

Moving Past Frustration

It's sunny outside but its just one of those days when a stockpile of hormones and emotions land. These types of days for the most part are far and few inbetween--at least I like to think and hope so.

I've felt the emotions coming on for the last week and was hoping to negotiate an extra afternoon off from work just to process, enjoy a bit of extra freedom, and have time to take care of a few errands that needed to be completed during work day hours. Unfortunately the extra time wasn't available due to needs at work and we're headed into a pretty busy two month stretch. So its no surprise that this morning I've felt in a bit of a funk.

My thoughts and heart have been all over the place the last week and 24 hours. Breaking for coworkers and close friends who have sent/are sending their loved ones off to war. Guilty frustration at working full time, with hub's crazy schedule each month, and at even feeling guilty frustration when we're so blessed to have the opportunities we do. Apprehension at the four years ahead as we transition back to Oregon-what that means financially, socially, occupationally, in marriage, and many other things. Sadness at changing friendships, lack of local social support, and not wanting to burden those who do care with concerns that really are so minimal in the larger scheme. Physical annoyance at having daily afternoon headaches and off/on fever for two weeks, varying hormones as the body still adjusts to contraception, and decreased running motivation due to the heat. And I'm sure there are other tidbits that aren't worth sharing here. ;)

BUT....nothing frustrates me more than being frustrated when I know that I am so blessed. Compared to 90% of the population on this planet, I really don't have much I should feel frustrated by. My housing and health care are provided. I have a job that I actually love. I have amazing family and fabulous friends, even if there is distance between us. I married a man that I unconditionally love and who I am continually in awe of his capacity for hard work and duty. This man who married me somehow loves me through all my frustrations. I had the opportunity to be educated, to choose if/when I want to reproduce, and I have never been forced to try drugs, have sex, nor really do much that I didn't want to do. I have a reliable vehicle and two functioning legs/lungs to get where I need to go. My debts are minimal and manageable. I'm staring at a closet full of clothes, the kitchen is full of food, entertainment options are endless, and laying next to me are three furry creatures who want nothing more than to get and give love.

So I am focusing on other coping mechanisms besides complaining. Several uncommon text exchanges with my mother let me shed a few tears and then end on humor as our family is so prone to do. This honest blog posting exposes my heart and processes my thoughts. Appreciation and focusing on what I do have stills my soul. Good music on Pandora and a stiff drink. A few pats and scratches for the animals. A note to Granny to brighten her mailbox with love. And now staring at my closet and weeding out items that will fill the work clothes need of a dear friend back home who is feeling financially strapped.

Maybe not the most cheerful post ever...but authentically and simply....me...and really there's not much else I can be.

Just One of Those Days

Do you ever have those days when regardless of how much you try, you just wake up annoyed with the world? Maybe you're annoyed with the injustice that exists, the prejudice, the lack of industrial regulation, the pissing matches politically, the current state of national and global affairs? Or maybe its on a more individual and personal level--you're annoyed with your inability to trust important individuals, you feel rushed, you feel that no one truly understands, or maybe you're wondering if somewhere you've lost pieces of yourself?

It's on these mornings that I always wake up with the old Monica song floating through my head (maybe it's a throwback to teenage angst?!) "Just one those days that a girl goes through, when she's merry inside...don't wanna take it out on you.." Or something along those lines...

So I have to admit, I've been hiding away in my office today. Definitely glad to be at work where I'm here to help others that might need it however....and that's just the ticket I realized.  Nothing makes me feel better at times than to help others.  So in an effort to cheer myself up, I'm making care packages--something I used to do on a routine basis, but got away from doing in order to save a buck..or two. But in reading a post over at the Simple-Green-Frugal Co-Op, I've realized to feel more at ease, I need to do more than to focus on myself.  This is the comment I posted in regards to Frugal Trenches great post "Somehow it surprises me that people would think that the simple life is only about the individual person's needs. While I definitely agree it can "simplify" to think only of oneself, I somehow thought that part of authentic, simple living was to get to the point where you're living generously. To me volunteering or giving of one's self is a greater reward--even if it's just the smallest thing. "Volunteering" to give someone a lift to the airport, sponsoring a scarf drive for homeless in winter, donating an afternoon at a carwash... I think I'm a much happier, simpler, and authentic person when I'm giving more freely of myself to others."

And so I'm putting my own comment...back into practice.  Hopefully it does the trick.

Some Days are Easier than Others

Today's been one of those days when my brain feels anything but simple, or maybe it's that it feels too simple. Now that the house is settled for the most part, it would be wonderful to have a more established routine that I could follow. I've been searching for jobs throughout the last few weeks though and have mainly come up empty handed. Thus my days are intermittently "filled" with working out in some fashion, picking up the house on a daily basis where it needs it, checking for jobs, and thinking...probably a bit too much. I'm not one to really believe in being bored, but I can't help but wish that there was a little bit more for me to do.

In my searches of the local area I can't seem to find available produce, otherwise I'd love to be trying to increase my skills of canning and jamming. In this hot weather, there's really no reason nor desire to be knitting much of anything. I've learned my way around the surrounding area, but most days there's no real reason for me to be out and about using the car. My stack of books continues to stay stacked as do my magazines, and while I've been cooking somewhat there's only so much that two people can realistically eat!

So here's me being authentic and admitting that I'm more than ready for a job, for a bit more daily purpose, for a little something more. Although, honestly and truly I couldn't be more glad to be here finally with my husband.

So that being said here are some more pictures of the inside of the new place and some recent blessings: -Moments of time together, fixing meals, laughter
-Attending a very welcoming church last Sunday
-Phone calls from my dear friends
-MAIL & Netflix
-The puppy next door who continues to be able to slide under the adjoining fence even as he continues to grow larger
-My clothesline that is strung up across the garage
-Blue skies and sunshine
-The camo lizards that come out at night and blend into the color of our home, the toad we found on the patio, and the continued presence of Geico our lizard patio pet
-The joy and comfort of having a wonderful first home, a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, clothes on our backs, and living in a nation where for the most part we don't have to worry about our daily needs or safety

Mind check

Some nights you just need to put cotton in your ears. Do you ever have moments when you feel so tired of the expectations upon you and the things that "must get done"? Yesterday I had one of those moments-when I was tired of thinking/doing/resisting all the things that I need to get done for my job, for the people in my life, for school. So instead I just put it all on the back burner-opened a bottle of wine, put in one of my favorite movies, and took an evening to just be alone.....and relish it. I went to bed at a decent hour with my earplugs in-knowing I'd need a good sleep in order to wake up for a productive day.

Luckily I know myself well enough to know that sometimes I work better after an evening such as this. When I can take a few hours just for self care--enough to really engage in the material with a clear head the next day. So I'm up early to wrap up the current final piece of my job expectations...well for now. I'm sure there will be more heading in my direction within the next week. However this is the final piece of what has been talked about this month.

We're steadily approaching midterms and I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through half of this term and then one more after that. Next term is primarily just my internship and studying for comprehensive exams. I'm looking forward to days when I have 2 or 3 set things ahead of me and not 15 loose ends that need to be thought about but not taken care of just yet. After this long road of educational achievement, I'm itching to be done, done, done.

In the midst of it all, I'm still trying to remember to smile at strangers and spread kindness as I can, work on the occasional scarf, etc etc. These are the things that I wish could be more the focus of my life instead of mindful extras I'm making when my thoughts are so buried on other topics. Yet my housemate yesterday reminded me of the concept of being blessed....that even with the opportunities/expectations/responsibilities that weigh us down...we need to remember that they are also blessings. While I'm tired of school and a hundred other little things, I need to remember how fortunate I am to have had the means and opportunity to pursue my goals & have these experiences when so many others have the same doors shut in their faces or the doors just remain unapproachable. So in a strange way, it's important that I remember to be fortunate for that which gives me grief. ;-)

And with that I'll stop my frustrated, whining ramble, and instead wish that each of you is having a week full of joy and blessings!

Faults

So......
Today I've been battling lots of internal thoughts based primarily on trying to differentiate who I've been versus who I am right now in this moment versus where I'm going with life, with my values, with what is important to me these days. I don't know if other people quite question and judge themselves as much as I sometimes feel I do, but I feel like I go through these periods of self-analysis on a fairly circular basis. So it came as no surprise that by the end of today I wasn't sure that I wanted to look in the mirror.

I feel like I should be making a list of all my environmental transgressions even though I know people will just tell me not to beat myself up. But sometimes it's hard to transition from taking so many steps in the "right" direction only to wind up having to reverse some of those. Although "having to" is quite an interesting term in itself.

So what are some of the things I'm beating myself up about these days?
-I went shopping and bought numerous clothing items just because I could, not because I needed it, and I don't even know that I truly even wanted them...other than the fact that I hadn't had the opportunity to go to this particular store in 6 years. (Although I have to say that I've pretty much worn every single piece numerous times since I bought them so they're definitely going to put in their CPU (cost per use!)).

-I'm a little anxious to take the MAX into my neighborhood and walk the blocks home after my late night class two nights a week...so I've been driving to campus twice a week. I've discovered the most frugal parking option but I still feel guilty driving more.

-I've spent a lot of time eating/going out in the last month and this is something that I began to see creeping in more frequently during last term as well. While I definitely enjoy being out with my friends (and as we all live spread throughout the city and suburbs it's easier to rendezvous somewhere), I still feel at times that it's a lot of money down the drain.

-I've also seen myself cutting corners in some other behaviors that used to be so ingrained and buying lots of little random things that I usually would have chosen to forgo.

I guess I'm facing once again how hard it is to live in the city and be a participating member of society and still live a lifestyle that I feel is most beneficial to the planet and to others. I do feel that there continue to be lots of positive behaviors, but it's always the ones I'm falling down on that stick out foremost in my mind. Maybe it's all that Puritan guilt....

So here's to still trying to live a life that is lighter on the planet, even as I engage in re-analysis of what that should/can look like at this particular moment in my life. It's sort of a balancing of the scales again. I just always feel I should compensate for those that don't do anything.....

Food for Thought

On Thursday evening, I joined a group for a birthday celebration at a well known chain restaurant in the suburbs of Portland. It was the birthday of my friend's wife, who is the mother of the adorable little baby. However I didn't realize that I was going to have to be such a "back-to-nature" proponent at the table. We all know that "breast is best," and I feel it's unfortunate that our society has taken a negative view of mothers' breast-feeding in public. My friend's wife has been very good at only feeding the baby breast milk, and in the middle of dinner the little guy became hungry.

We were sitting in the corner of an alcove in the restaurant and the mother had a blanket draped over her shoulder, yet my friend (the father) was disgruntled at the idea of his wife diminishing the baby's hunger by breast feeding at the table. Fortunately for the baby, my buddy was outnumbered by females at the table, and I appeased him by hunting down restaurant management to ask if breast feeding was against restaurant policy. The response was that no policy was in existence yet that management was grateful that we had asked. I couldn't help but give more of my opinion when management came back to talk to us about it again a few minutes later. In my opinion, it's a pretty sad day in society when we have to ask permission for the most natural feeding event in existence to occur in public.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder when society is going to recognize that what we've created is a facade instead of the reality of natural existence.