Some nights you just need to put cotton in your ears. Do you ever have moments when you feel so tired of the expectations upon you and the things that "must get done"? Yesterday I had one of those moments-when I was tired of thinking/doing/resisting all the things that I need to get done for my job, for the people in my life, for school. So instead I just put it all on the back burner-opened a bottle of wine, put in one of my favorite movies, and took an evening to just be alone.....and relish it. I went to bed at a decent hour with my earplugs in-knowing I'd need a good sleep in order to wake up for a productive day.
Luckily I know myself well enough to know that sometimes I work better after an evening such as this. When I can take a few hours just for self care--enough to really engage in the material with a clear head the next day. So I'm up early to wrap up the current final piece of my job expectations...well for now. I'm sure there will be more heading in my direction within the next week. However this is the final piece of what has been talked about this month.
We're steadily approaching midterms and I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through half of this term and then one more after that. Next term is primarily just my internship and studying for comprehensive exams. I'm looking forward to days when I have 2 or 3 set things ahead of me and not 15 loose ends that need to be thought about but not taken care of just yet. After this long road of educational achievement, I'm itching to be done, done, done.
In the midst of it all, I'm still trying to remember to smile at strangers and spread kindness as I can, work on the occasional scarf, etc etc. These are the things that I wish could be more the focus of my life instead of mindful extras I'm making when my thoughts are so buried on other topics. Yet my housemate yesterday reminded me of the concept of being blessed....that even with the opportunities/expectations/responsibilities that weigh us down...we need to remember that they are also blessings. While I'm tired of school and a hundred other little things, I need to remember how fortunate I am to have had the means and opportunity to pursue my goals & have these experiences when so many others have the same doors shut in their faces or the doors just remain unapproachable. So in a strange way, it's important that I remember to be fortunate for that which gives me grief. ;-)
And with that I'll stop my frustrated, whining ramble, and instead wish that each of you is having a week full of joy and blessings!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Feeling Better
This morning I have been lazy in bed. There is much in terms of work and school that is waiting to be accomplished, but instead, I spent a large chunk of this morning sleeping in and reading blogs. And as I poked around other blogs and ruminated on other people's thoughts, I felt renewed. Sometimes there is just something fabulously hopeful about the blog community-that even though we see the negative that exists in the world, so many individuals out there are taking the steps to try to make this world a better place...through their behaviors, actions, and mindsets. I also saw that several other bloggers talk about the same sort of "falling down" behaviors that I covered in my last night post. So it's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling guilty, especially when I know that we're at least mindful of those slights.
This morning I've also been thinking about some of the moments from yesterday that are simple and yet stand out as most influential in my day. Sometimes those things which seem insignificant can be the icing on the cake.
-I got off the MAX early yesterday at the stop most near New Seasons so I could pick up a gift and I really enjoyed the extra walk home from the stop. It adds a bit more distance but it also gave me much mental space to process, to observe the natural world, and to just feel alive through movement and breath.
-Yesterday was an incredibly beautiful day. The type of day that tricks you into feeling that spring is right around the corner, even when you know you've just barely touched on winter. The sun was out, the air was crisp but not too cold, and that stillness that only exists in winter (even in the city) could be found.
-While driving home last night, a potentially homeless pedestrian ambled across the crosswalk in front of me right as my light turned green. An action that could have irked me, yet it gave me pause as this gentleman raised his hand toward me in an act of apology. I was completely humbled by this man who while going through his own difficulties still took the time to make a gesture of kindness....when kindness may have been the furthest thing from either of our minds. (On a side note, I think I've learned more from and had more memorable moments interacting with the homeless in this city over the last 1.5 years than I have with many of the city's other strangers).
-And then when all was said and done, I felt the kindness of my friends and family radiating through emails and texts throughout the day. And I ended the night with a phone call from my own gentle man...that even though he's far away, his peace still lands upon my soul and calms my fears and worries. Lucky and blessed am I.
Today promises to allow me to run some errands and accomplish some reading for class. And then my fellow frugal and simple gal pal will be joining me for a relaxing dinner at home. It should be a good one!
This morning I've also been thinking about some of the moments from yesterday that are simple and yet stand out as most influential in my day. Sometimes those things which seem insignificant can be the icing on the cake.
-I got off the MAX early yesterday at the stop most near New Seasons so I could pick up a gift and I really enjoyed the extra walk home from the stop. It adds a bit more distance but it also gave me much mental space to process, to observe the natural world, and to just feel alive through movement and breath.
-Yesterday was an incredibly beautiful day. The type of day that tricks you into feeling that spring is right around the corner, even when you know you've just barely touched on winter. The sun was out, the air was crisp but not too cold, and that stillness that only exists in winter (even in the city) could be found.
-While driving home last night, a potentially homeless pedestrian ambled across the crosswalk in front of me right as my light turned green. An action that could have irked me, yet it gave me pause as this gentleman raised his hand toward me in an act of apology. I was completely humbled by this man who while going through his own difficulties still took the time to make a gesture of kindness....when kindness may have been the furthest thing from either of our minds. (On a side note, I think I've learned more from and had more memorable moments interacting with the homeless in this city over the last 1.5 years than I have with many of the city's other strangers).
-And then when all was said and done, I felt the kindness of my friends and family radiating through emails and texts throughout the day. And I ended the night with a phone call from my own gentle man...that even though he's far away, his peace still lands upon my soul and calms my fears and worries. Lucky and blessed am I.
Today promises to allow me to run some errands and accomplish some reading for class. And then my fellow frugal and simple gal pal will be joining me for a relaxing dinner at home. It should be a good one!
Faults
So......
Today I've been battling lots of internal thoughts based primarily on trying to differentiate who I've been versus who I am right now in this moment versus where I'm going with life, with my values, with what is important to me these days. I don't know if other people quite question and judge themselves as much as I sometimes feel I do, but I feel like I go through these periods of self-analysis on a fairly circular basis. So it came as no surprise that by the end of today I wasn't sure that I wanted to look in the mirror.
I feel like I should be making a list of all my environmental transgressions even though I know people will just tell me not to beat myself up. But sometimes it's hard to transition from taking so many steps in the "right" direction only to wind up having to reverse some of those. Although "having to" is quite an interesting term in itself.
So what are some of the things I'm beating myself up about these days?
-I went shopping and bought numerous clothing items just because I could, not because I needed it, and I don't even know that I truly even wanted them...other than the fact that I hadn't had the opportunity to go to this particular store in 6 years. (Although I have to say that I've pretty much worn every single piece numerous times since I bought them so they're definitely going to put in their CPU (cost per use!)).
-I'm a little anxious to take the MAX into my neighborhood and walk the blocks home after my late night class two nights a week...so I've been driving to campus twice a week. I've discovered the most frugal parking option but I still feel guilty driving more.
-I've spent a lot of time eating/going out in the last month and this is something that I began to see creeping in more frequently during last term as well. While I definitely enjoy being out with my friends (and as we all live spread throughout the city and suburbs it's easier to rendezvous somewhere), I still feel at times that it's a lot of money down the drain.
-I've also seen myself cutting corners in some other behaviors that used to be so ingrained and buying lots of little random things that I usually would have chosen to forgo.
I guess I'm facing once again how hard it is to live in the city and be a participating member of society and still live a lifestyle that I feel is most beneficial to the planet and to others. I do feel that there continue to be lots of positive behaviors, but it's always the ones I'm falling down on that stick out foremost in my mind. Maybe it's all that Puritan guilt....
So here's to still trying to live a life that is lighter on the planet, even as I engage in re-analysis of what that should/can look like at this particular moment in my life. It's sort of a balancing of the scales again. I just always feel I should compensate for those that don't do anything.....
Today I've been battling lots of internal thoughts based primarily on trying to differentiate who I've been versus who I am right now in this moment versus where I'm going with life, with my values, with what is important to me these days. I don't know if other people quite question and judge themselves as much as I sometimes feel I do, but I feel like I go through these periods of self-analysis on a fairly circular basis. So it came as no surprise that by the end of today I wasn't sure that I wanted to look in the mirror.
I feel like I should be making a list of all my environmental transgressions even though I know people will just tell me not to beat myself up. But sometimes it's hard to transition from taking so many steps in the "right" direction only to wind up having to reverse some of those. Although "having to" is quite an interesting term in itself.
So what are some of the things I'm beating myself up about these days?
-I went shopping and bought numerous clothing items just because I could, not because I needed it, and I don't even know that I truly even wanted them...other than the fact that I hadn't had the opportunity to go to this particular store in 6 years. (Although I have to say that I've pretty much worn every single piece numerous times since I bought them so they're definitely going to put in their CPU (cost per use!)).
-I'm a little anxious to take the MAX into my neighborhood and walk the blocks home after my late night class two nights a week...so I've been driving to campus twice a week. I've discovered the most frugal parking option but I still feel guilty driving more.
-I've spent a lot of time eating/going out in the last month and this is something that I began to see creeping in more frequently during last term as well. While I definitely enjoy being out with my friends (and as we all live spread throughout the city and suburbs it's easier to rendezvous somewhere), I still feel at times that it's a lot of money down the drain.
-I've also seen myself cutting corners in some other behaviors that used to be so ingrained and buying lots of little random things that I usually would have chosen to forgo.
I guess I'm facing once again how hard it is to live in the city and be a participating member of society and still live a lifestyle that I feel is most beneficial to the planet and to others. I do feel that there continue to be lots of positive behaviors, but it's always the ones I'm falling down on that stick out foremost in my mind. Maybe it's all that Puritan guilt....
So here's to still trying to live a life that is lighter on the planet, even as I engage in re-analysis of what that should/can look like at this particular moment in my life. It's sort of a balancing of the scales again. I just always feel I should compensate for those that don't do anything.....
Friday, January 2, 2009
And It's a New Year....
I've been trying to decide what to write about for a New Year posting, but as always the more I put it off the less likely it is to happen (that and my sister harrased me to write something this morning....I think she's bored with hearing about Christmas). :-) I really don't like to divulge too much of what's going on in my personal life, but I'll just leave it by saying that's it's been a really good start to 2009. Full of lots that I would never have expected, but a million moments that leave me feeling very fortunate and...just at peace with life while also very, very hopeful for the future...on both an individual and global level.
It seems that with the new year there are always lots of new beginnings happening. New people, new year, new term, so in a way it's ironic that I woke up to the brightness and freshness of snow this morning. While the rest of the city is wearing an expression of annoyance at the fluffy, slushy stuff sitting on the ground, I've already been out making my snowman, clearing off the walk way, and hauling myself in my snow boots down to Freddie's to get some groceries. It's gorgeous, even if it has created a mess up here over the last few weeks. I'm just glad that I got here last night before the snow hit. I was pretty shocked after getting off my morning wake up phone call this morning from my brother, to trudge down the stairs and see the entire neighborhood coated with the whiteness. I'm sure my housemate's guests were pretty entertained by my shrieks of happiness at the discovery. ;-)
I'm slightly apprehensive at the new term. I know I will learn a lot and it's pretty much one of the final hoops I have to get through before I'm done. I feel renewed and more motivated just being back in vibe of the city again and after the relaxation of my several weeks on the coast, so hopefully that motivation will carry over into this new term and into my work. There are still a few days of needing to get things organized and together before the term starts, and I'm taking a quick trip up to be with a friend of mine in Washington State this weekend. For today I just plan to enjoy going through my mail, checking out my text books that have arrived, finally taking care of some stuff for my work, finishing up my laundry, hanging out with my housemate, and just enjoying being back here. I love the small coastal town and the city for different reasons and it never fails to escape me just how much I feel at home in both. So it does feel like another homecoming now that I have returned, even though I just left "home" as well. But life is constantly evolving and maybe it's just me recognizing that sometimes you can have your desires in multiple locations and still be able to keep your head on straight.
I hope that everyone else celebrated their own incredibly beautiful and wonderful discovery of a new year! May you have a great weekend ahead.
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