A Productive Weekend Staycation

Whew what a weekend y'all, but although it was busy it was also relaxing and fulfilling. Much got crossed off the "need to do" list this weekend for sure! But before I get too far let me broach a few things first:

1) Last Saturdays event went pretty well. Lower turn-out than expected but everyone behaved, the food was decent, the decor and venue looked great, and everyone reported it was a good time. Even Tall D said it was much better than he ever would have expected and for someone who rarely gives compliment that should mean something! (His words, not mine.) The other plus side was that I was left with at least a dozen bouquets of flowers, which I got to bring home and re-vase for the house:

2) Tall D and a coworker of mine both also have made me think twice about leaving the world of veteran services. While I definitely need a break and the center really could use new blood to re-route it a bit more, I asked my supervisor of that position if I could extend until they actually bring someone else on. As much as I burn out, everyone tells me that I do a really good job. My original plan was to vacate as of June 20th and I still might, but extending also gives me the option to stay until the transition can be complete. Plus there are several projects that could get worked on this summer.

3) Tall D and Housemate G are supposed to be moving out this week. They spent the long weekend up at a major concert series in the Gorge and so Z spent part of the weekend here helping me around the house and making sure that we'll be able to live sanely together, as I'm not always the easiest person to live with. (Somehow, Tall D has actually been the best housemate I've ever had. We co-existed in living conditions extremely well.) With the boys moving out, Z will probably officially move in sometime mid-month.

4) Mid-week last week, I went grocery shopping....and it dawned on me that was the first time I'd been grocery shopping in six weeks. Tall D and G haven't been shopping either--how in the world we've existed over the last few weeks, I don't know. (Well okay, I take part of that back....Z brought over food for all of us on occasion.....) But hopefully this return foray into proper nutrition in the fridge is a good sign.

5) Albeit last week was also a bit harder emotionally again. As much as I know in my head that the upcoming split is the right one, some days as it approaches move out day it's a little bit harder for my head and heart to agree. And sometimes they want to agree....but in the opposite direction of it being the smartest decision....

And now without further ado....pictures and some updates from the weekend:

1) Dinner out on Thursday evening followed by an evening curled into blankets on the couch watching Blood Diamond.

2) Spring is upon us, which meant a 8-10 mile walk/hike with the dogs through Forest Park in the middle of the city on Friday afternoon. 

3) Friday dinner out with my brother, Z, and another Marine who you'll probably read a lot about by the letter of B. B will be spending a lot of time with Z and I here this summer...and has been tasked out to complete a few yard projects for me.

4) Saturday morning included a quick trip to the Beaverton Farmer's Market (the largest in the state) for tomatoes, onions, and a few other items for home cooked pasta sauce.

5) Saturday afternoon, I took my brother to meet with two tattoo artists to schedule his tattoo and to put down the deposit. Came back to clean the house, mow the lawn, and weed for an hour before my gal N, her hubby, her SIL S, and S's boyfriend came to join Z and I for dinner. Z's sauce rocked and N's cobbler was A-MA-ZING. It was great to have friends over for dinner, enjoy good food, and even to eat out on the patio!

6) On Sunday, Z and some of the center vets had organized to come over to help me out in the yard. Z and B were able to till my raised beds with a little help from B's wolf-hybrid dog, Rommel. I also spent part of the afternoon ripping out weeds and over-run berry brambles. I'd written previously that one of the guys had drawn up plans for a coop and Sunday was Day #1 for implementation. In this picture, three of them are digging the trench that will hold the gravel, cement footings, and cinder blocks so that hopefully no critters can dig under the chicken wire. B and Z are helping out my aunt and uncle by ripping out their deck for them next weekend, and some of that left over wood will be used to construct part of the chicken's actual shelter. After trench digging, Z grilled up brats and garden burgers for our work crew of 4 guys and 3 of us gals.

7) Monday was a day of errands and garden making. We returned the mini-tiller to my aunt and uncles. Then Z worked over the two chain saws in the garage while I finished my online grading. We headed out to Target (uh....CUTE dresses on sale y'all!), Home Depot, BiMart, and Ace Hardware. I picked up a pair of new work gloves because I'm not sure where my old ones ended up and I sliced the skin off a finger hauling cinder blocks on Saturday. We got a new chain for one of the saws and then Z bought materials to build a sort-of trellis for the beans/peas. When we got back, we planted the garden and then I finished weeding the front of the house. Laundry was done, the rest of my in-person grading and prepping was completed, and somehow even a work-out with Insanity was added in there last night (which felt GREAT!). 

Peas, beans, & various squashes that will run with the rhubarb in the corner.

First box: Tomatoes, the returning artichoke, a row of lettuce, two peppers.

Second box: a row of cucumbers, herbs, two rows of carrots, a row of koli rabi, and space for strawberries.

On trellis: grape making an effort and the kiwi is in full force.

Alongside the boxes: berries, rosemary, overrunning mint, and massive garlics. 

Honestly it was a great weekend and I'm so glad to have the garden in and the coop on its way. The yard has a great start to looking better as well. I worked on perfecting Tall D's blueberry waffles and for the first time made french toast from actual french bread and with my own chicken's eggs. The weekend was the perfect blend of socialization, productivity, and relaxation. However most of all, I feel so grateful to Z and to all the guys for how much they've been helping me out.....and in a lot of ways the future looks potentially brighter...

Hope each of you had a wonderful weekend too!

A Week in Review & a Friday Hike

We've had a week or so of absolutely gorgeous weather, although tomorrow is supposed to head back into a week of being overcast and rainy. Its been absolutely glorious to see so much sunshine though and the week has been full of moments of soaking up the rays interspersed with the extra chaos of our busiest event week out of the center. Earlier mornings this week and extra hours, but after tonight I'm headed into a downward slide toward exiting my job and the spring term.  There will be a week break in June before summer term (and the 11 credits I'm teaching) commences.

This week has brought some additional knowledge of the changes coming up (Tall D & housemate will be moving out by the end of the first weekend in June) and one evening this week was spent discussing with Tall D and his new apartment mates what they want/need to take from the house versus what will be staying, etc. There are a few items that are being negotiated, but the fact that "our" stuff has pretty much always been "his" or "hers" makes it easier. For the most part, Tall D and I are keeping it friendly but at times it can be a challenge. I still care so much for that man and wish that things weren't heading the way that they are, but there are also moments when I feel like it's definitely the healthier decision. Most days I just keep shaking my head that although it maybe was expected, two months ago I also never would have imagined this to currently be our lives.

Tonight is our biggest event happening this week and two of my main guys separately ended up needing to be checked out by medical providers. More than likely they won't be attending, but I'm hopeful that the rest of the crew can step it up and be on their best behavior. To say I'm a little leery of the upcoming evening is an understatement. Tall D and one of his friends will be there however and my cousin will be helping as well.

The chickens are back to laying regular eggs. My coop will be started on over Memorial Day weekend, as will some additional yard work be completed. Plus it's sounding like I will be taking bro to get his birthday tattoo. Last evening, we headed down to take my brother out to dinner and then to celebrate with cheesecake at my sisters. It was nice to spend an evening with my siblings and to rival against my nephew in Wii fit. :)

This week also granted a few moments to half-complete some Insanity work-outs and to get in one dehydrated 80 degree 5k run. I'm in conversation with one of Tall D's and my friends about him helping me train for a half-marathon during the coming year. We'll see how that idea progresses.

An afternoon laying out in the sun reading for fun and indulging in a bottle of wine and a great 7 mile hike in the forest just about rounded out the rest of the week. Pictures from the hike are below:

The dogs checking out the trail.

Beautiful tree tops.

Z checking out the creek.

Roxi looking like a dirty adorable mutt.

Me with the girls.

Pretty flowers and ferns.

The dogs checking out the spring.

Wildflowers along the road.

Big Shrimpin & Some Clams Y'all

Talk about an awesome weekend y'all! 

To be honest, I headed into this last weekend not being sure what to expect and feeling more exhausted than usual. Beyond all the emotional suppression between Tall D and I, work has been busy busy as I finished preparations for this week's events and finally caught up on all my grading. 

However, as seems to be fast becoming the norm, my friends seem to know what I need better than I do these days, and my buddy Z 'napped me for a long weekend of shrimping, clamming, cooking, fire pitting, and wine indulging up on Hood's Canal in Washington with his friends and fam. We were bummed not to be joined with another buddy of ours nor one of my cousins, but it seriously was a blast all the same....

And who would have thought that THIS GIRL (being me) would go shrimpin......except it totally reminded me of the type of fun things we'd do way back in high school. In fact the whole weekend left me feeling a bit more settled, a lot more relaxed, and yet connected to that ol' 16 year old version of myself in a way I haven't felt in years. The sun was out, I got my grading done, and I even snuck in a short little run alongside the busy highway. I learned a new skill, I expanded my eating choices (morrels, spicy shrimp, clam linguine, smoked salmon over salmon pate on crackers---DELISH!), I actually helped prep for cooking one night, I met some great new people, I got in some kiddie snuggle sessions, I loved on an adorable doggie, and I got to be out on one of my greatest of loves: the water. It seriously was amazing folks!

The 2nd boat in our group searching for the right spots to place their pots.

Z hauling in one of the pots...I'm pretty sure I only snagged a picture of one of our emptiest pots from the weekend. ;)

SHRIMP! Us ladies had the job of counting, bagging, and placing each person's limit on ice. (Each person only gets 80 shrimp per day and you can only have your pots in the water between 9am and 1pm.)

The view from the docks, the day we stopped for a leisurely breakfast in between putting in and pulling up pots.

Gorgeous view of the mountains, no?

Z showing me how to rake up the clams.

Me with some of our clam harvest.

The amazing view from my hotel room's balcony.  

Sunday morning I got in an early call to Mom for Mother's Day before we drove back for me to make the last half of Sunday brunch honoring Granny. It was great to spend some time with Dad's side of the extended family and it gave Granny and I a chance to finally chat about the recent changes in my life. While the conversation didn't start out like I'd hoped, in the end she was able to support and understand all the same. (Sometimes withholding the total truth of one's life in lieu of the "everything's all okay" facade can make it difficult for people to understand once the final veil of the facade is lifted....) Then per the recent norm, Tall D, housemate, my cousin, Z, another buddy and myself had our weekly Sunday evening get together, which actually took us back over to my aunt & uncles for an evening of pizzas and drinks on their amazing deck. 

All in all, the weekend was full of good food, good drinks, good people, and good times. To say that much sunshine and smiles occurred this weekend would be an understatement. Here's hoping the forecasted week of sunshine continues and that those smiles might stay in place also!

Wishing the best for you and yours!

PS Heather---you're the best for the card, thank you so much!

Split...and It Aint the Banana Kind

...although there is a container of Banana Split Tillamook ice cream in my freezer that continues to be steadily eaten away. But it's working toward official folks, Tall D (hub) and I will be no more. The conversation leading toward my knowledge of that decision occurred on Monday night and to say I didn't take the news very well is an understatement. I granted myself two full days off work in the middle of this week to grieve and despair. Ironically the timing couldn't have been much worse since we're smack dab in the midst of last minute event planning, it's mid terms, and Tall D's birthday was on Tuesday....however if there's one thing I'm continually learning, it's that life doesn't always go as planned....more on this in a second.

The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)

To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.

The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.

And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.

I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.

Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!

A Life Update: Bittersweet

How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)

--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.

--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.

--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.

--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free.  Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.

--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....

--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.

---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.

--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him.  Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....

--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.

--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.

--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....

--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.

--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)

--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.

In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.

Spring Break Wrap-Up

Spring break was a truly wonderful break from both of my jobs. I did get roped into a few moments of event planning chaos mid-week and I had to finish prepping for next term, but I did less work overall than I've done since last summer....and it felt fabulous while also leaving me more than ready for June. The break also could not have arrived soon enough and the day before spring break was one of the most difficult I've had on the job. Thus I'm hopeful I can  bulk it up enough to power through the next 2.5 months.

This last week was equally full of chaos, downpours, and sadness intermingled with smiles, fun, and unexpected moments of sun. Sometimes all we need is a bit of a stay-cation including:

---Happy hour on four different occasions. Finally met up with a coworker I've been trying to get together with and it was loads of fun getting to know her better. Met up with a friend from my teaching program I hadn't seen in a year and it was lovely getting to catch up on the good & the bad while offering each other support. Had a great afternoon chat session over beers with my cousin. Got to catch-up & connect with one of my greatest supporters over dinner & drinks this last Friday.
---Major caught his 5th bird in a week & a half. Hub bought him a collar with a bell on it. The dogs like to chase said bell. Much amusement ensues.
---Several hours of long conversations and tears attempting to clear the air. Resolutions and suggestions made. Some slight actions being taken. Waiting game ensues.
---A friend provided me with her cast-off Insanity DVD work-out program. Read: 60 days of craziness. The fit test almost made me vomit---the rest is kicking my booty. We'll see if I can keep with this one but I am LOVING it.
---Interesting but fun long evening out with a great group of guys including hub, hub's friend, housemate, and one of my vet friends.
---Many long sleeps and a blissful evening nap.
---Hub installed a exhaust fan in our bathroom and replaced the one in the guest bathroom.....and was reminded that projects are never as simple as they appear. I enjoyed watching him wear Carharts, assisted in holding items in place and/or advising on lights, rode along to Home Depot and enjoyed drooling over plants, and scared the bejesus out of both of us by kicking his toolbox in the middle of the night.
---I went to church.....and the message was exactly what I needed to hear.
---We cooked, we cleaned, we paid bills.....and hub took Anna for a much needed beauty treatment. Hopefully our carpets will have less shedding on them and she looks ravishing!
---We finally had donations picked up by the gospel mission.
---We enjoyed the phenomenal day trip up north with hub's bud and were reminded of the need to do it again.
---Somehow (maybe a new persuasive friend, maybe too many martinis) I was talked into a potential double date of one of my worst fears: sky diving for hub and coworker's boyfriends birthdays in May.
---I had afternoon tea and conversation with our land lord.
---I followed suit of hub's cousin and re-cut bangs. Not sure how long they'll be staying but it's nice to have something different.
---Finally went in for a doctor's appointment to check on a few things that have been more off for the last month. No real results were discovered, but I guess it's better to hear the doctor say that things are more normal than they might feel!
---I played mad rounds of Words with Friends on the Iphone.
---My brother and mother came up for an afternoon where much support and conversation ensued....and ended with dinner at one of our favorite local haunts.
---There's a somewhat broody chicken out back. She'll leave the kennel long enough to range a bit here or there but then she's hunkered back down in her spot.
---There was an evening of DQ blizzards and movie rentals curled up on the couch.
---Plenty of text chats sharing life and seeking advice from many friends.
---Airport duty transporting coworker to and fro for his conference. Since housemate #2 was also gone this weekend, hub and I had the first weekend alone together in the house in over a month.

And somehow the week went by so fast and with a few things left undone, but here we are almost back to Monday and it all beginning again! Hope you all had a restful last week.

Outfits & The Week in Review

MONDAY: Meeting & Errands

Usually I don't formally work on Mondays (I do a lot of emails, planning, and grading at home), but last Monday one of my vets had a presentation to give to the campus president so I wanted to make sure he was there and it went well (he forgot the last time he was scheduled.....). Luckily it also gave me another chance to address some of the campus big wigs on veterans issues and events, so it turned out to be a win-win. However, I also stepped it up a professional notch.....and pulled some of my oldest work wear out of the closet.

(wrap dress & cami: Target; tights & jewelry: Freddies; boots: Penney's; blazer: Macy's)

TARGET PURCHASES

And then I "had" to stop at Target----which led to a big fat shopping fail on my part. :) I stopped to get gift cards for my sister's family (3 of them have March birthdays) and to pick up a baby gift for the front desk worker at the distance campus I also teach at....but I couldn't help but wander over to the clothes section.....

....and cardis & camis were on sale......and then the tweed dress you see above was on clearance....and they all made their way into my basket and out of the door. (Hub was oh.so.glad to see yet another cardigan, but I can't tell you the number of times I've wished I had a gray one......)

That cardi, cami, jean outfit got me through the afternoon and evening though---which included cleaning the house, finishing grading, picking up the yard, having a heart-to-heart with one housemate, attempting to read more, making an awesome take on a curry dish over couscous, and the like.

TUESDAY: Meetings & Teaching

The day started off with my dropping off one housemate at work before I headed to another campus for meetings. I meant to change before I taught, but I ran out of time as my morning meetings turned into a working lunch that continued into the early afternoon.....and then I was left with just enough time to drive to my campus, finishing prepping/make copies, and teach. I sort of feel like this was a bit too casual for the usual vibe I try to give off while teaching however.

(cardigan, cami, dark jean pencil skirt, black ruffled blouse: Target; boots: Penneys)

The rest of the evening was spent doing a P90X work-out, getting ready for the next day, and then keeping one of the housemates company while he made the most amazing gumbo from scratch (including a veggie portion for me!!). It seriously was delish and just may have been one of my first exposures to okra.

WEDNESDAY: Office & Teaching

You can't really see the plaid in the red button-up shirt, nor that it was tucked in. Nor do you see the brown belt that started up around my waist, then made it's way around my hips, then under the sweater as the day progressed (and somewhere in there I also had one of my vets put two more holes in it in order to distract him from whatever was bothering him). Today was my extra long day in the office this last week, followed by my usual late night of teaching, followed by 30 minutes with a student after class, followed by an hour of reading for the next day's meeting in another town, followed by showering/eating/cleaningthekitchen/throwing random clothes in an overnight bag and crashing into bed somewhere between 11pm and 1230am.

(red plaid button-up, brown suede boots, brown tweed pencil skirt: Penney's; cream cardi: Target)

THURSDAY: Out of town meeting

Cue random snow arrival over night. Okay, so the snow had been discussed but I was oh.so.hopeful it wouldn't arrive.....and I was oh.so.thankful for my AWD vehicle as I hauled down the interstate running late for my meeting/conference on veterans issues that was in the town an hour south of us. Waking up at 5:45am on a potential snow day (for a meeting that ended up only leaving me annoyed.....) wasn't exactly my ideal way to start a day, and I honestly struggled with selecting something appropriate to wear. The outfit I came up with above was attempt #3 or so and at that point I was already 20 minutes behind schedule, so while it's boring, it was also my last ditch effort. Beg your pardon of the photo, I had to snag it from Granny's bathroom mirror....... :)

(gray pinstripe pants & black cami: Target; white cardi: Walmart; black suede boots: Penneys; black belt: gifted)

And yep, you read that right. I'd already arranged for someone to cover my Thursday evening class (moved the exam to that date), so I was able to spend a few days with Granny. (First I stopped off at a friends place who I have hardly had the opportunity to see since we've moved back---SO great getting to catch up with her and see her beautiful pregnant belly!) But then I headed over to Granny's and off to dinner for burgers and beers we went. I ended up staying until this morning (Saturday) and it was amazing to go to bed super early both nights (9:30pm!!), eat on a regular schedule, and really just spend some time enjoying and butting heads with Granny. :)

FRIDAY: Errands

And you've seen this outfit before and will see it again.....it's one of my favorites honestly and I've been itching to wear it with my black pencil skirt and boots to work---but it's a standby. Granny and I woke up late, breakfasted, and then headed off to run her errands. She always loves to get cards at Hallmark, so we headed downtown to pick up three months of birthday cards for the family (and to grab me a stronger coffee!). After lunch and a rest, we picked up her groceries and a few other things she needed......and then we decided to see if my sister's crew could celebrate their birthdays with pizzas in their town. Soon enough Granny and I loaded up again and headed over there for pizzas and beer for dinner.....topped off with homemade cake made by my sister. We also got to see my great-niece (Granny's great-great grand-daughter), and it was so cute watching her play with the tea set Granny got her.

(jeggings: Walmart; cami & sweater: Target; scarf: Freddies; black suede boots: Penneys)

SATURDAY: Return Home

You've also seen this outfit before but it's another great weekend standby. This morning I changed the sheets on my bed at Granny's, breakfasted with her and got her set-up with her schedule for the day (2pm Beanbag baseball practice & 7pm Blazers on TV), and then I met my brother for coffee before leaving town. I made it back in record time and then was able to run up to campus to complete a few of the things that I'd scheduled to do this afternoon. Coming home, I did some laundry, unpacked, and picked up after the dogs & chickens out back. Blog completed, hub's dinner eaten (cod fish tacos w/ mango slaw), now it's time to attempt some quality time with hub before bed.

(black leggings & flats (not pictured): Target; purple sweater dress: Dress Barn)

Clothing wise I feel the week was a bit boring, but I'm okay with it. Sometimes we compromise in some areas in order to live our lives more fully in others. The two days of work in Portland were way busier than most, I'm "sharing" more in more ways than I used to, and the end of this week saw me getting to spend time with my gal (who I hadn't seen since last summer), my sister's family (also since last summer), my brother (last seen on New Years), and this was the first time I've spent the night at Granny's in almost three years. I'd say that the lamer outfit choices were well worth the extra time spent with loved ones and the busyness of the work days! :)

Hope you all had a good week too!

February Thoughts & Happenings

----The chickens are still making a racket multiple times per week. I'm thinking we'll be getting rid of them. The feed store owners (the mom of my gal N) said she'd re-home them if we want and offered new chicks, but I think I'm done til we have legit property one day. There's a good chance that hub would prefer to, um, eat them.

----We've offered hub's pride and joy old jeep to one of my vets who is in need of a vehicle. He's been hard pressed for months and as much as that Jeep is an extension of hub, these are the moments when I love hub's huge heart.....even when he tries to keep it hidden. However the jeep has its own quirky issues, is uninsured/unregistered/parked in the garage, so we'll see what happens.

----I don't know that this much TV has been on in our house non-stop and daily channel turning to MMA (mixed martial arts). We're still adjusting to four of us in the house but I'm oh so hopeful. My coworker has been looking at places and hopes to get a place in April. We have yet to discuss a timeline with hub's friend. My coworker is amazing though as a housemate. Luckily the guys and hub have been off enjoying themselves at the Newport Seafood & Wine Fest this weekend, so it's been nice for the doggies and I to roam the house freely.

-----My supervisor asked me to reconsider leaving my vet position, which I had a feeling she would. She also said I could re-create the job to better meet my and the center's needs. The pay is amazing and I actually found out that it bumps up my pay in my other job too.....but I'm still not sure I could do another year. There are pro's and con's to every thing---and honestly I keep hoping that something else might open for me to do a lateral transfer.

----Although I did "put the smack down" in the center last week, as mentioned in my clothing post. Ironically one thing I love about working with vets is a) some of them respect me more now because of it and b) they're so used to that sort of thing that most of them were back to being jolly and normal within two minutes......but for the most part, they DID get the picture and that's good to see.

----Book club was today. I was (sigh....) almost 30 minutes late....and yet this seems to be a return to hub's and my standard. We also were 15 minutes late to a joint vet mtg together yesterday....although in our defense, we were 10 minutes early to my work dinner! (Which work dinner went AWESOME btw!) Being late does make me feel bad...slightly. Only because I know that a lot of people that love me.....also despise being kept waiting. Anyway the gals also chose to go with Joy for Beginners---so we'll be reading that this month.

-----Today I was thinking of 3 high school gal pals and how much we've loved each other through different phases of ourselves. When I think back on all of our changes in 15 years.....it's amazing, and yet they've accepted me for me (almost) every step of the way. I love these girls because I can be any side of me and it's always okay. If I'm caring and idealist, withdrawn and needing space, or blunt and bitchy.....it doesn't matter. They accept who I am at each crossroads of life....and I am beginning again to realize just how much I appreciate it. I don't have to be anyone but me with them and I never have to worry about offending....and I seriously hope they feel the same way.

-----I have a weekend trip in April to San Antonio. I am beyond excited to see my gal....and in a total moment of irony, I'm seriously looking forward to being back in the south. Amazing culture/food in San Antonio AND 80 degree weather. Also on the docket: see my childhood friend again AND make it to Austin (definitely on the lifetime list)!

----I seriously love when Roxi comes running back into the house in the evenings and just careens into her cushy dog bed.

----I took a nap today and have been 100% lazy and it's been absolutely perfect.

----I found another awesome remix fashion blogger that y'all should check out: Putting Me Together.

----I'm still in my anti-social stage--I'm just not feeling it. I know I'm in a total selfish stage period---want my little moments with hub, want flexibility to spend lazy weekends grading and working out and running errands and flexible, and honestly I'm just not wanting to get too deep into thinking about life. I seriously love and missed my friends who care so deeply, but right now I'm just not there and it's hard for me to want to go there. I work with people who need a lot and who are hardened to the world in many ways....and well, I think it's rubbed off. My idealism is a whole lot more realism than I ever would have cared to have....and in a lot of ways I don't feel as much like talking about what could be or should be or thinking about how to make life better, etc ... it is what it is.

-----Hub aced both his bio exams this last week. He's such an academic rockstar---I'm legit proud of him.

-----The Air Force is supposedly recruiting for Public Health officers....I emailed the health professional recruiter for more info. Side bar: every 2-3 years I research and contemplate joining the Air Force or Coast Guard.... thus far it's never been the right fit. I still don't expect it to be the right fit, but it is interesting to say the least. However 5am and I have never been friends, and I'm also learning that while management might be an okay fit for me, I'm not sure it's my favorite.

-----We're headed into Week 8 of the term---although I'm headed to a conference in Salem on Thursday, so it's just two evenings of teaching this week. I'm thinking about trying to spend the night at Granny's and hopeful I can see one of my other gals who is pregnant and who I have only seen twice in the year we've been back.

-----On the docket this summer: two of my gal pals from high school and I are road tripping to our other gal in Arizona. We've been talking about a Summer 2012 trip for two years, and I re-arranged my teaching schedule within the timeline the other gals have available (K-12 schedule starts late August). One of the gals is in San Fran so picking her up is the perfect halfway mark, and it just happened to coincide with my 30th. (Three of us turn 30 this summer actually.) I'm seriously so stoked to be making this happen! And my parents deserve an award, because they're tentatively agreeing to swap the Sorento for their Prius---cha ching!

------On the docket in the next three years: potential opportunities for international travel, but I've been sworn to not mention any of it. Although I can tell you that one place would add a new dream continent, include potential mission work (my heart swoons), and get me that much closer to achieving my lifetime goal of traveling to all continents. The other trip would be a lifetime dream for a friend and would be an amazing celebration of her, of which I would feel honored to be a part. (And it's all of course dependent on what I do for work/finances in the next few years....and what all else life might decide to throw at us) Add on to this my heartfelt desire to buy hub a vacation, the fact that we currently have friends stationed in Italy, AND that in the next 9 years I legit need to return to Argentina. (Hmmm......when does hub start racking in the bucks?! :))

-----Have I mentioned my department head is amazing? He seriously recognized that I need a vacation this year and so allowed for me to plan my summer schedule to grant me most of September (to potentially visit my gals in Georgia) and to rearrange our original plan so my gals and I could make it to Arizona. He deserves boss-of-the-year award! And just in case you're wondering I'm teaching twice a week in person and two classes online.

----Tomorrow I need to run. Period.

-----But have I mentioned yet that at 10am today it was 39 degrees and slushing?!

-----And how totally bad a$$ is it that it's a Leap Year?!

And with my brain dumping successfully completed and you up-to-date (for the most part and only if you made it this far), I'm off to get teary some more about The Heart and the Fist....because damn it, I'm gonna read it first anyway! ;)

Where'd Last Week Go? and a To-Do List for Today

Those of you long time readers know that last week was much more typical of my usual blogging style....and honestly will probably be more typical until this summer again. How I wrote so many posts in January floors me---except obviously my brain is back to constantly going again and I have a lot on my mind. My mental check-out/hiatus time in Louisiana is apparently over. Well, and I'm sure the fact that I'm trying to be more authentic in my writing has to help also! 

So what have we been up to? Oh you know, the usual busy busy. 

--Did I mention that hub is volunteering in the vet office on his campus and he's still been acing his exams? 

-- Mondays are now an extra catch-up day (read: everything I can't do in the actual office gets done & any leftover grading/prepping). Plus house work and errands.

--Week 6 of the term---which means students are stressed. Love my jobs but Tues-Thurs is usually very draining. Last week had many more meetings and lots of isolated issues to solve. 

--Thursday evenings have continued to be his and my catch-up nights...and we're living for our weekends of downtime. We're trying to continue to be engaged with others, but I'm not going to lie, for the most part I've been feeling purposely anti-social lately.

Extra busy: 

--Friday was the Northwest Environmental Health conference. Most the information I'd already read..but networking within the environmental health scene was great. A current colleague is a friend who I don't get to see enough, and she and I were able to grab (many) drinks after the conference.

--Saturday the health dept I teach in had a volunteer afternoon at Oregon Food Bank. We were part of a larger group, and together we sorted & bagged over 9,000lbs of frozen green beans! Afterward we had a casual dept meeting.

The weather has had a few bright moments so we've started thinking of all the yard projects to tackle this spring/summer. Also need to start thinking about the garden...and hub is looking at used food dehydrators. Obviously the good weather gets us back out running/hiking too! We've been letting the chickens wander around outside more during the days we're home. Pretty funny to see them at the backdoor with the dogs, as if they think they want in too:

Hub is seriously cracking me up with this whole "one-green-change-a-month" thing, which apparently has changed into a challenge between us at being "greener." Um, hub, I hate to tell ya but I was queen of the green & simple living scene before we got together...ahem, ahem. I'm not going to lie---it's been AWESOME because he's doing many of the little things I didn't want to nag about, except on his own accord. Our Feb challenge items (biking and green cleaning) are so-so, but bigger picture wise, I'm really proud of where we're moving toward...together. Just for your entertainment,  here's a recent convo in our house:

Hub: Did I see that you've finally started following my smart green trick of using the quick wash cycle in order to save water?

Me: Yes, weirdo, for most things I am....AND I almost always use cold water to save energy....beyond the green detergent we use.

Hub: Hmmm....(wearing an expression of "damn, she's got one on me....), well I just might have to start trying that.

As mentioned we focused much weekend energy on organizing and cleaning the house. Got word this morning that the new coworker will arrive Wednesday night---his room is ready! Hub and I have been joking that it feels like we just moved in with each other honestly: first time we've shared a closet and a bathroom in two years. With how much we like change, this house overhaul has been great so far. Hub rearranged the kitchen, we moved the desk into the living room, and the entry way shelf will be used as a bar in the dining area. Much cleaning and rearranging of pictures has occurred. And I'm not going to lie, I'm actually liking being in the back bedroom:

Which leaves me to today's docket. The system delete/recovery just completed on my old laptop, so it and two bags of stuff will be taken to Goodwill for donation/recycling. Need to make a return to Freddies and get groceries. Need to buy a bale of hay for bedding for the chickens. Need to grade the online assignments. Need to finish two picture collages and finalize cleaning the guest bathroom.  There's a bag of random recycling to be donated, and about 15 items I should take care of for my other job. Plus a few other things: but we'll see what all gets done!

Hope you all have a great week ahead of you! More than likely, I'll catch ya next weekend :)

A Rambling Update

Heya folks---those of you that quietly continue to read along :)

So I've got a major confession for today: I slept in til 7 minutes til noon. I can't believe I almost slept in til noon and honestly I could have slept for another three hours easily. My throat continues to scratch, my mind continues to attempt to list the things I need to remember to do this work week and the things I need to do for my personal life and the things I need to get accomplished this weekend for grading and prepping. We're out of orange juice and Emergenc-E, but luckily I found a package of zinc drops hidden in a cupboard last night. I'm feeling muscles I didn't even know existed in my upper chest this morning from last night's new DVD and I have 90 minutes of Yoga X to get through today, which I'm way too stubborn to miss at this point regardless of how tired I'm feeling. And truthfully I only woke up at noon because the dogs bounded into the room creating a ruckus and stirring me from a dream about my parents modernizing their living environment and in which my father was to undergo major surgery again---probably not the best dream to be woken up from without being able to process the outcome!

The best thing so far about today has been the large cup of coffee I enjoyed that pushed away my headache, the waffles hub made for our brunch this morning (a weekend regular around here now), and the fact that hub and I sat and chatted for a good hour and a half this "morning." I think I've hinted that there isn't much overlapping time during the week for us to really chat and connect, so I've really come to cherish the conversations we do get to have. Especially since this morning a decent portion of what we talked about was the fact that come March we more than likely will be joined in our house by hub's buddy as our roommate---and we're trying to discuss how to make this be a successful transition and living situation for all of us.

Today's one of those days were it's already 3pm and I'm 2/3 of the way through grading my online class and I've read through my work emails to know what I have to take care of tomorrow on my "day off." And honestly, thank God for a Monday more or less at home, so I can get all these extra pieces in line before jumping into the three full work days I usually have (although I do have a meeting tomorrow evening I have to attend and an extra evening meeting another day this week). Before bed today, I still must grade the assignments for my inperson classes, complete my P90X workout, prepare the rent check for the mail tomorrow and email my landlords about said potential housemate, and hopefully venture to the grocery store to stock-up on essentials to make it through this coming crazier work week.

Luckily yesterday was a slower day of book club in the morning followed by extra time at my cousin's house (she was hosting) catching up with her, my aunt, and my uncle. I came home exhausted and attempted to take a nap before getting the energy to make it through the evening work-out. Exercise routine and shower completed, hub brought home eggs and video rentals. We ate breakfast burritos (yea for extra protein) and watched two movies, while I graded the first 1/3 of the online assignments. Both movies were pretty decent so if you're looking for two flicks, check out: 50/50 and Crazy.Stupid.Love, the latter of which was actually suggested to me by one of my vets.

I'm not sure why it's always the third and fourth weeks of my terms that appear to be the busiest, but I'm pretty sure I'll be glad when either a) there's a lull in the term b) we can arrange a relaxing weekend trip home (there's always something about the coast and being back at my parents that even though I'm still grading/working, everything just feels smoother and easier) or c) the term is over. Although there's a lot of event planning to get set-up this term so I'm not so sure that I see option A actually arriving until the end of May.

But as much as I'm totally sounding like a massive whiner (sorry folks!) there have been some really great connections and moments that have happened in the last week as well, and I continue to feel that I'm going to get everything done. I'm incredibly grateful for the great support system I do have and for the easy enjoyment one gleans from furry creatures. Even our fabulously independent and prissy Lady cat has been ambling for some extra love and cuddles lately!

Hub helped out a ton yesterday while I was gone and picked up the yard and cleaned out the chickens mock-coop---two tasks that usually fall to me on the weekends so I was thrilled he went the extra mile. I had a nice chat with one of my brothers to start the weekend and it was great to spend some quality time with two of the book club gals yesterday morning (one of whom I hadn't really seen or talked to since November and who is legitimately one of my favorite people). There are plans being discussed for me to budget to visit two my other favorites who both are living in Georgia and the idea of a long weekend trip to visit my gal who is in San Antonio---a break away, being back in the sunny south, and quality time with some of my favorite gals sounds amazing right now!

Having an extra person in our household, while potentially an extra stressor, does also add extra monthly income and someone who can keep an eye on things if hub and I need to leave town for a weekend. (Did I mention he loves our dogs?!) And let me tell you folks, for being rainy Oregon, we had two beautifully sunny days lately! Add on to all that the little regular fun moments of the days (1940s big band music playing in the kitchen, crazy critters' antics, inside jokes between hub and I, and the list could go on) and really life is pretty enjoyable overall!

If you've made it through this mindboggling ramble, then you sort of know where I'm at---feeling a lil' run down and extra tired BUT trucking on through and thankful for the positives that exist along the way. Oh yea, one more addition, Granny (while she's okay) has been having some unusual health issues lately, so for those of you that are regulars, just keep her in your thoughts.

Sending lots of love, extra energy, and positive encouragement out your way! Here's to the fullness of the week ahead of all of us.

It's Been a Week....and Now it's the End.

First week down, ten to go......and I hate feeling like that already.

First week back into the term was a mix of emotions. It started out great and ended with tears. Yes, folks, you heard that right, I cried. I felt great about the schedule I'd set up on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. But by the time Thursday morning arrived, I was already wiped. In one of my positions, there's a lot that I'm micro-managing and responding to right now, and on top of it we also saw record numbers this week. My class that particular night included a major mistake on my part that while it was a total accident and not-really-a-major-detail of the night, I still made someone else's night incredibly difficult.....and in the type of way that is exactly against the prevention I attempt to assist with in my other position. I don't like to share details of that type on here, but let's just say that my two positions over-lapped in a sense....and in a way that made me realize that I'd made a mistake that completely saddened my heart. Two days later and it's still on my mind and heart. Additionally, I'm realizing that working with the population that I do can sometimes make me less patient to deal with the member of that population that resides in my own home...and I don't like feeling that way.  I'm seriously contemplating putting in a resignation.....even though I feel bad about it for other reasons.

Friday morning hub and I slept in......and slept in...and slept in. When we finally got up, we picked up the yard, cleaned out the make-shift coop, and picked up the house. Then for the first time since we married, hub and I completed a weights routine together, as he completed the Shoulders & Arms DVD with me and then the Ab Ripper X DVD too. It was interesting working out together but good too, as it made me push myself a bit more. Hub is loving his conditioning class he's taking through his college, but he enjoyed the additional "weekend" work-out yesterday. After working out, we ran separate errands that needed to get done, and then we relaxed while we waited for our weekend guests.

One of hub's Army friends from his deployment lives a couple hours north of us, and they hadn't seen each other in three years until this weekend. His friend and the girlfriend came down for the night and it was really nice listening to our guys catch up. I heard several stories I'd never heard before and it was nice to know that hub has someone who holds him in such high regard who is living within a day's drive from us. It actually was a pretty low-key night as we ordered pizzas, lit a fire in the fireplace, and just sat around the living room eating, indulging in much drinking, and chatting. Today we fixed waffles and espresso for everyone, and then we took them on a drive around downtown. It was raining so we didn't feel too much like walking around in the rain, but we did make two stops. One at Voodoo Donuts and the other at Stumptown Coffee---both are very local and/or funky Portland places. When they left late this afternoon, we made tentative plans to try to spend a day up in Seattle together and/or do some hikes around Mt. Rainer this summer.

After a late night last night though, hub and I were ready for some naps this afternoon. Rather than nap, I put in my Yoga X DVD which was on the docket for today, and which actually was much needed to stretch and restore my tired body from last night and my still-emotionally-saddened-from-Thursday self. A hot shower and left-overs to complete the evening, and then I dove into catching up on blogs and finding new things to "pin" on Pinterest (yes, I caved.....sigh). Snow dusts are on call for tonight and tomorrow---and I'm oh so hopeful that we'll get some dustings, and some rain, and some freezing...to extend this long weekend into an even longer and restoring weekend.

I've got some prepping/note reviewing to do this weekend still, a few emails from students and work to respond to, and some major reading to attempt to get through for book club the end of this month. But I plan to not do much of anything except to do nothing but prepare my soul for the week ahead.

I hope each of you had a fulfilling week just passed and that you are indulging in a restoring weekend. Best to each of you!

PS Tonight while hub was watching some of his DVR'd shows, this song was on one of them and there was just something about it that I loved:

Some Moments & Things of Late

I absolutely adore my comfy sweater dresses and a pair of knee-high boots. Sweater dresses are so easy to throw on allowing me steal a few extra minutes of shut eye in the morning AND they seriously feel like I'm wearing pjs to work!

Our high school football team was up here playing last weekend. CHILLY game, but it was a lot of fun watching them play and sitting with some of our hometown friends closer to our own turf. They lost in the last 6 seconds of the play off game which was a bummer, but it was a great experience over all. I even agreed to snuggle down to an additional evening of watching football with hub over the weekend---I'm pretty sure he marked the day on the calendar.

The chickies are incredibly gorgeous ladies--they never really had an awkward ugly stage and instead developed straight into the beautiful feather pattern that currently bear. They also have a beautiful "coo" and a pretty funny warbling noise that sounds a little like a turkey! :)

Poor lil Roxi had her annual shots on Saturday. We took her to Luv My Pet at Petco just like we did with Anna this summer and it went great. Roxi has a tendency to get a tough gal complex when she's on leash, but she actually behaved really well. Looks like she has a bad tooth though that we'll probably have to have extracted soon....

Hub spent an afternoon raking up the entire backyard of leaves.....we woke up the next day to what you see in the above picture covering the back corner of the yard. I'm pretty sure the cherry tree was laughing at him....

Other things of late:

Hub has developed a new found passion for all things flavored pumpkin----we officially have local Umpqua pumpkin pie ice cream in the freezer and then pumpkin spice creamer in the fridge.

I let the cat out of the bag to my gal Heather, but if you're looking for cute cardigans for this fall or as a layering piece anytime of year....look no farther than Target. I have historically had a love affair with the cardigan (which hub despises) and Target has been one of my go-to resources for years. They run large though, so buy smaller.

Hub and I made a Costco run yesterday, which we continue to love. This run was primarily for juice and dog food (although we will probably be switching to large 50 pound bags of "farm dog feed" from our local feed store, as we like the idea of supporting small business and the bag here is paper aka recyclable), but I also snagged the coziest, softest blanket to curl up in during this cold winter......and I finally purchased organic chicken stock so I can hopefully get on to soup and/or chili making....although I've been having hankerings for homemade mac & cheese lately too. You read that right...I actually am wanting to make something again!

I just agreed to switch my teaching schedule slightly in the spring, which gives me one additional credit but also will include lecturing for four straight hours. I'm excited at the idea of moving my twice a week class to once a week, but will be interested to see how that format works for the subject. I'm really enjoying teaching however....

I've been throwing around the idea of studying to become a massage therapist, although I can't decide if I am intrigued for real reasons or if I'm just ready for a completely new direction and challenge. It's a lot of money and a decent amount of time for a potential whim.....must investigate more indepth where these thoughts are coming from, but so far the pros are that it's also part-time, potentially flexible, involves touch & healing, and further connects to my interests in health care.

What have each of you been up to or thinking about lately?!