...although there is a container of Banana Split Tillamook ice cream in my freezer that continues to be steadily eaten away. But it's working toward official folks, Tall D (hub) and I will be no more. The conversation leading toward my knowledge of that decision occurred on Monday night and to say I didn't take the news very well is an understatement. I granted myself two full days off work in the middle of this week to grieve and despair. Ironically the timing couldn't have been much worse since we're smack dab in the midst of last minute event planning, it's mid terms, and Tall D's birthday was on Tuesday....however if there's one thing I'm continually learning, it's that life doesn't always go as planned....more on this in a second.
The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)
To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.
The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.
And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.
I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.
Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!
The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)
To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.
The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.
And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.
I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.
Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!
4 comments:
In this sad and confused time of your life I am glad to hear that you have loved ones to look after you. Sounds like you have lots of things changing in your life. I just hope you can find some happiness somewhere in there, we all deserve it.
I am so happy that things are starting to look better for you! It is a huge life change, but I think that you are going to feel free because of it, and that is very important. To feel stuck in any situation, to not be able to make changes that you want to make and know you need to make for your own happiness, that is difficult. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for peace in your life.
oh i'm so sorry to hear this! Recently, my close friend who's past a year into her divorce, told me that until you experience it, it's like nothing you've ever felt... but she's building a new life (at 30years old).
So much courage- your life is now so full of possibilities.
Sending you Strength and Healing!
Sending so much love your way.
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