A Life Update: Bittersweet

How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)

--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.

--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.

--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.

--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free.  Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.

--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....

--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.

---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.

--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him.  Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....

--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.

--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.

--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....

--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.

--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)

--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.

In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.

The Age Post

So I'm finally going to cash in on the long awaited age post--thanks for the reminder Heather!

Hub and I just returned from a trip down to our home town---that was equal parts comforting and restoring. However the time BEFORE that a few weeks ago, definitely had me thinking about age--as in recognizing that we (my friends and I) aren't exactly the spring chicks that we used to be (not that most of us were ever the type to really think that anyway.....). Last time I drove home was a solo trip and as I drove into town I stopped for gas and a quick bite to eat from Taco Bell (do as I say, not as I do health students....). My first reminder of the fact that I've actually "made it" into a different age category in life occurred when I stopped for gas and asked the 20yo attendant how he was that particular night. He responded with a smile that he was" young and broke"....and I had to pause for a second, evaluate my life, and then respond with "yes, I remember those days...." The second stop through the drive through also made me pause when I realized just how incredibly young 15-16 years old looks these days, as I drove through the drive thru window.

This particular trip home I met one of my high school best friends for breakfast and we chatted about all things: life, love, work....and the pursuit of all of the above. One thing we also tend to chat about these days is age....as in the fact that we now actually are given respect in our jobs and younger students seem to grant more authoritative power with age. We no longer necessarily have to prove ourselves in our jobs, as we've finally reached an age where people seem to expect that we do actually know what we are doing. This trip also took me back to my old high school for a local fundraising event where I again re-gained perspective on what 16 actually looks like and saw many of my former students already legally able to drink. Trips home can almost always put age into perspective.

My gal and I have also talked about the addition of a few wrinkles and some extra pounds..of which I now have a few more implications of age under my eyes. But in reality, while many of my friends are bemoaning turning 30---this year I'm feeling much more welcoming of this particular birthday. 25 was incredibly difficult for me, but 30 I am attempting to embrace.....and these are some of the reasons why:

While not everything in life is perfect and I still have moments of 16yo insecurity, I am actually quite happy with many aspects of my life as I head into 30. I can run farther and swim longer continuously as I head into 30 than I could at 18. I've come to realize that my body has never been capable of a truly flat stomach, but I can embrace where it is at and for the most part feel comfortable in a two piece. I'm proud of maintaining and improving upon my physical health as my age has increased rather than allowing the reverse to occur. As I head into 30, I'm more comfortable in my role in my family. I've provided how I could and recognize the importance of my family connections, while also finally recognizing that my family doesn't have to define or 100% truly accept me. As I head into 30, I'm thankful for my chosen career path and the occupations that have allowed me to get to where I am. My resume and education is solid enough that I feel comfortable in my chosen areas.....and I'm incredibly fulfilled in my chosen field. I feel fortunate to have studied and received degrees in areas that are practical and yet also passions of mine. At 30, I see the connections I've maintained throughout my life and new connections developing all the time, and I feel so fortunate for my friends, colleagues, and aquaintances who continue to be ever present in my life. As I head into 30, I also continue to recognize that while I don't give Him enough credit....so much credit is truly due to the one who has guided my life through all of my good and bad choices....allowing me to arrive (mainly) settled where I am...and yet knowing He will continue to provide in the moments and years ahead.

So when there's so much good about 30......how can one bemoan the passing of another decade? Especially as I'm in a stage where I'm ready to embrace that which the 30s can offer. So while I still have months before the official transfer occurs....cheers to the next decade ahead! May it offer each of us more moments of beautiful, more opportunities to give, more moments of complete forgiveness, and plenty of fulfillment. :)

Tonight....

Tonight I'm at my parent's house and will be for the weekend. Dad's carrying my brother via FaceTime to check on my furry ladies that are peeking in the back door. The dogs have seemingly befriended the new neighbor dogs and tackled each other multiple times across mom and dad's backyard. For all the moments when I'd feared that my non-dog parents would begrudge my animals, they secretly love to see our furry girls frolicking through their grass and eagerly licking their windows. At night the girls always sleep curled up on their beds that have been thrown in the back of dad's old truck in the garage.

Tonight hub and I showed up in our hometown about 5:30pm. We dropped off our bags and drove to our old high school, where hub took off with a friend to help set up an event and I swam oh-so-absolutely-amazing-many laps in my old high school pool. It was the first time I'd dived in between my old lane lines since our return and it was wonderful to feel my arms slicing and carrying me through the clear water. I embraced the comfort of things being exactly as they were 12 years ago--pull buoys and kick boards are still found in the same bins, and I spent a few moments re-connecting with the lifeguard on duty who had been one of my students back when I was a local sub.

Tonight I was reminded of how much of a natural provider my father is and how fortunate I am for his continual guidance and quiet example in my life. I relished sitting down at the table to a meal produced by dad and enjoyed actual conversation over food with both my parents. I purposefully embedded into my mind the moments of standing quietly by my father's side, being handed dripping clean dishes for me to wipe and dry, all while looking out of the back windows of the house together. I've spent this evening, butt settled into the couch half-ass watching the Mariners vs As game, with Dad pointing out the important points of the game---just like many evenings we spent together in years prior.

Tonight I've enjoyed watching Squeaks, mom and dad's lil cat, who has spent the evening bemoaning changes in her surroundings. ;) I'm relishing her quite nap two cushions over from me, her head twisted into itself.

Tonight I'm looking forward to tucking myself into the guest twin beds in the back corner bedroom and losing myself into deep moments of sleep. I'm eager for morning coffee with one of my best friends, and hopeful for an afternoon beach trip with the dogs and a soul-kid sister and her beautiful babies for a check-in. Tonight I'm ready to settle into the Sunday pews of my youth and remember the hope and promise of a Savior that I so frequently overlook.

Tonight I'm somewhere between frustrated and fortunate......and really just thankful to again be wrapped up in the graces and comforts of the home of my youth. 

Spring Break Wrap-Up

Spring break was a truly wonderful break from both of my jobs. I did get roped into a few moments of event planning chaos mid-week and I had to finish prepping for next term, but I did less work overall than I've done since last summer....and it felt fabulous while also leaving me more than ready for June. The break also could not have arrived soon enough and the day before spring break was one of the most difficult I've had on the job. Thus I'm hopeful I can  bulk it up enough to power through the next 2.5 months.

This last week was equally full of chaos, downpours, and sadness intermingled with smiles, fun, and unexpected moments of sun. Sometimes all we need is a bit of a stay-cation including:

---Happy hour on four different occasions. Finally met up with a coworker I've been trying to get together with and it was loads of fun getting to know her better. Met up with a friend from my teaching program I hadn't seen in a year and it was lovely getting to catch up on the good & the bad while offering each other support. Had a great afternoon chat session over beers with my cousin. Got to catch-up & connect with one of my greatest supporters over dinner & drinks this last Friday.
---Major caught his 5th bird in a week & a half. Hub bought him a collar with a bell on it. The dogs like to chase said bell. Much amusement ensues.
---Several hours of long conversations and tears attempting to clear the air. Resolutions and suggestions made. Some slight actions being taken. Waiting game ensues.
---A friend provided me with her cast-off Insanity DVD work-out program. Read: 60 days of craziness. The fit test almost made me vomit---the rest is kicking my booty. We'll see if I can keep with this one but I am LOVING it.
---Interesting but fun long evening out with a great group of guys including hub, hub's friend, housemate, and one of my vet friends.
---Many long sleeps and a blissful evening nap.
---Hub installed a exhaust fan in our bathroom and replaced the one in the guest bathroom.....and was reminded that projects are never as simple as they appear. I enjoyed watching him wear Carharts, assisted in holding items in place and/or advising on lights, rode along to Home Depot and enjoyed drooling over plants, and scared the bejesus out of both of us by kicking his toolbox in the middle of the night.
---I went to church.....and the message was exactly what I needed to hear.
---We cooked, we cleaned, we paid bills.....and hub took Anna for a much needed beauty treatment. Hopefully our carpets will have less shedding on them and she looks ravishing!
---We finally had donations picked up by the gospel mission.
---We enjoyed the phenomenal day trip up north with hub's bud and were reminded of the need to do it again.
---Somehow (maybe a new persuasive friend, maybe too many martinis) I was talked into a potential double date of one of my worst fears: sky diving for hub and coworker's boyfriends birthdays in May.
---I had afternoon tea and conversation with our land lord.
---I followed suit of hub's cousin and re-cut bangs. Not sure how long they'll be staying but it's nice to have something different.
---Finally went in for a doctor's appointment to check on a few things that have been more off for the last month. No real results were discovered, but I guess it's better to hear the doctor say that things are more normal than they might feel!
---I played mad rounds of Words with Friends on the Iphone.
---My brother and mother came up for an afternoon where much support and conversation ensued....and ended with dinner at one of our favorite local haunts.
---There's a somewhat broody chicken out back. She'll leave the kennel long enough to range a bit here or there but then she's hunkered back down in her spot.
---There was an evening of DQ blizzards and movie rentals curled up on the couch.
---Plenty of text chats sharing life and seeking advice from many friends.
---Airport duty transporting coworker to and fro for his conference. Since housemate #2 was also gone this weekend, hub and I had the first weekend alone together in the house in over a month.

And somehow the week went by so fast and with a few things left undone, but here we are almost back to Monday and it all beginning again! Hope you all had a restful last week.