Gender Roles Rant

I must be thinking a lot about my parents lately because today I was thinking about how glad I am for the flexibility they taught me in gender roles.  Since there are 13 years between my oldest sibling and myself, each of us 4 kids sort of had a different upbringing.  The older two were primarily raised with mom being home--taking care of the kids & house and occasionally working part-time.  My middle brother, closest to me in age, sort of had both worlds.  When I was 9, I went from mom working part-time and running the house to Dad taking over.  Dad retired from the military, Mom went to grad school, and then Mom took on the primary role of bread winner.  Thus the rest of my elementary through high school years, my Dad was to me what most mothers are to their children.  Dad drove me to the places I needed to be, came to all my sporting events, volunteered at my elementary school, prepared dinner for us at home, did all the grocery shopping, did my parent's laundry, kept the home in working order, and did all of "his" typical male duties---mowing the lawn, basic home repairs, etc.  (Although as mentioned--Dad was always big that us ladies know how to do these basic things ourselves too.....he taught me how to build basic items, change filters, do yard work, and thru experience and watching I could probably figure out how to plaster walls, swap out toilets, etc....).  After my high school graduation, Dad did take on a part-time job so that he didn't have to deal too badly with empty nest but for the most part Dad does the house keeping, etc still.

When I was an undergrad student I remember learning about the sociological concept of the "double shift"--women that work full time and then come home to work the second shift of the homemaker.  Even though both husband and wife work the same amount, the wife still is the one who takes care of almost all of the needs at home.  Now I recognize that my upbringing is a little bit different than most (in fact, it pretty much secured the fact that my father and I have an incredibly close relationship....), but it also opened my eyes to the fact that really men can do the chores at home too.  It's always been my opinion that whoever works less should do more at home, but I don't believe that all of the responsibility should lay on the less working partner even then.

My husband and I strike a fairly even balance in regards to housework based on work amounts outside the home, although part of our approach is based on who is pickier about what chore.  I HATE mopping and my husband dislikes sweeping, thus I clean the tile floors until they get to the point that they need to be mopped and then the husband does it.  The husband likes the spices in foods to be just right and seemed pickier about what he'd eat, so for the first 6 months of our living together most of the cooking fell on him (although this crock pot has changed our cooking worlds!).  Since I haven't been working, I've primarily been the person to take care of the animals, clean the bathroom, do the laundry, vacuum the house, and general pick-up around here on a regular basis (although even then, hubby helps out when he sees the need and he has the energy).  I also am more anal about the cleanliness of our vehicle, so more often than not I'm the one who cleans it out.  But from the beginning I've put my foot down that he'll be helping out more with the general routines once I'm working full-time too, and he fully supports this.  I do recognize that for the most part his days are longer however, so if a little more than half falls on me then I'm okay with it.  What I'm not okay with, is when men don't help out much at all.....

It always strikes me as interesting when friends want to know how I got my husband to help out as much as he does, where as I can't believe that other men don't help out as much!!  When we had the other newly married couple living with us, he began their marriage with the expectation that she would be willing to do all the little things that he didn't want to take the time to do (ie get up from the table to get a jar of salsa, even though he was in the same room and the wife a different room).  While there's absolutely nothing wrong with a wife wanting to do the little things for her husband (and vice versa---I mean I would hope that we all want to help take care of each other....), I do think there is something absurd about the expectation that one spouse will drop what they are doing in order to do whatever little thing the other spouse needs/wants done.  Needless to say, that dear husband quickly learned, by my telling him, that he has his own legs to get many of the little things done and the wife learned to have a bit more backbone in her as well.  I can't blame our friend too much, as that was the example set by his father, but I'm hopeful from what I've seen that they've both learned to respect the other a bit more.

I'm hopeful that in time, these gender roles and expectations will lessen, although I know that won't happen unless we let the next generations see that really both male and female can do any of the stereotypical chores of the other.  Really these household routines should be equal acts and demonstrations of our desire to help take care of each other and our homes that moves us to accomplish them.  If we think of household chores as demonstrations of the care and love that we feel toward each other and ourselves, then I would think that we'd each want to be taking care of the other......but maybe this is just my idealism talking......although I hope not. ;-)

Parental values

The last few days have felt amazing outside--that sunny, glorious, yet still cooler weather.  The type of weather that I'm savoring as I think about working inside all day and about the upcoming hot Louisiana summer.  It's been so wonderful to be out in it whether on my run, poking around in the dirt, or taking the crazies to some new spot for them to run around and explore.  However this afternoon I had some thoughts based on the fact that:

I'm glad that I had the upbringing that I did.  While my childhood may have not been ideal to some, I completely appreciate the multitude of values that my parents  instilled in me (and also the example and values instilled in them by my grandparents).  I have to say that when I did go through my variety of psychology classes,  my parents parenting style was right on the money in terms of it being one of the healthiest types.

These thoughts are some that came to me based on reflection on the type of person I've become (someone I hope and think my parents and family members are proud of) but also as a reflection based on the high numbers of children that are present on most military posts.  The fact that my husband and I plan to wait until my mid-30s to reproduce is pretty strange around these parts, and the fact that I'm not entirely sure I want to have kids (nor biological children) is almost unheard of.  However if/when we do have children, I hope to pass on many of the values that my parents instilled in me.

So what are some of these things that I'm so thankful for?  Well I'm glad you asked because I'm planning on sharing. ;-)  They are:

--INDEPENDENCE---as kids we were always responsible for keeping our own rooms clean and getting our own breakfast; by 10 I was doing my own laundry and helping to mow the lawn; in high school my parents would listen to my predicaments but they always encouraged me to make my own decisions; my parents were always available for advice but they never tried to be my best friend; Dad taught me how to use a hammer, fill a car tire with air, paint a house, and a variety of other worthy skills

--MONEY MANAGEMENT---when they had finances available we were given allowances and we had to save up for items we wanted (I can remember at 8 or 9 saving bday and allowance $ to get the cabbage patch doll I wanted.....they even helped me calculate the sales tax so I'd know how much I needed); at about 12 dad taught me how to calculate sale percentages; in high school I was responsible for budgeting from my allowance (and saved lunch money cause I didn't eat lunch half the time) to pay my way to social events (including buying the dance outfit, etc, and buying bday presents for friends etc); my parents made sure my needs were covered but any wants I had to figure out a way myself; in undergrad my dad payed what was left of my tuition, my rent, and car insurance--I worked 2-3 part time jobs a year to cover my books, 75% of my food, gas (the 1 year I had a car to get to my practicum), and any extras; after undergrad dad did continue to help with my car insurance but everything else was on my own----due to all this I've known how to budget as long as I can remember....

--LOVE BEING/WORKING OUTDOORS---while we never really went camping by the time I came along my parents were always big on appreciating nature whether it was the smell of fresh air or a beautiful sunset;  we were always encouraged to play outside; we always were growing something regardless of where we lived (even if just flowers); from my father I also developed my love of jogging & swimming (until he had knee surgery Dad ran 3 miles 3x a week, often when I really am struggling while running I just think of how much Dad would appreciate the opportunity); and as a kid I remember watching/helping mom with canning, jamming, etc; Dad also taught me what I do know about gardening

--STEWARDSHIP---we were taught to respect diversity (whether SES, ethnicity, ability, etc), to love God, and to help those who need it; in the last 5 years my parents are also some of my biggest environmental encouragers/supporters ;); we also were taught to complete the task whether that was care for a person/pet/commitment; they also taught me to keep in mind the needs of others--whether this is noise level issues, pollution, etc

These are just a few of the things that I can think of, but I wish every child could gain exposure to these values.  While I recognize that we're not always products of our childhood environments, I am so glad in many ways that I really am a composite of both my parents.  Hopefully, just as my parents took the best from their parents, I can pass on the best of my parents to any children that my husband and I do have someday.  Because as my brother so aptly put it yesterday, a parent's role is to produce a wonderful contribution for the world....not always to have their child like them....here's hoping we can rise to the challenge with the right amount of love, grace, and strength whenever that day comes.

Just some thoughts for the day.... ;-)

Food for Thought

On Thursday evening, I joined a group for a birthday celebration at a well known chain restaurant in the suburbs of Portland. It was the birthday of my friend's wife, who is the mother of the adorable little baby. However I didn't realize that I was going to have to be such a "back-to-nature" proponent at the table. We all know that "breast is best," and I feel it's unfortunate that our society has taken a negative view of mothers' breast-feeding in public. My friend's wife has been very good at only feeding the baby breast milk, and in the middle of dinner the little guy became hungry.

We were sitting in the corner of an alcove in the restaurant and the mother had a blanket draped over her shoulder, yet my friend (the father) was disgruntled at the idea of his wife diminishing the baby's hunger by breast feeding at the table. Fortunately for the baby, my buddy was outnumbered by females at the table, and I appeased him by hunting down restaurant management to ask if breast feeding was against restaurant policy. The response was that no policy was in existence yet that management was grateful that we had asked. I couldn't help but give more of my opinion when management came back to talk to us about it again a few minutes later. In my opinion, it's a pretty sad day in society when we have to ask permission for the most natural feeding event in existence to occur in public.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder when society is going to recognize that what we've created is a facade instead of the reality of natural existence.