So last night we had one of those conversations that really are every once in a blue moon around here...the ones that you have oh so frequently when you're newly in love with your head on the pillow or sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by your philosophical loving cronies, the type of conversation that leads you toward examining life, explaining and questioning concepts, and asking about what you want out of the bigger picture......which is exactly what the hub has been pushing me to reflect on throughout the last month.
It's amazing how quickly this gal went from being someone who never stopped thinking/dreaming/examining/wanting to talk about the big philosophical statements of life to being one who had to force herself to re-examine the big picture and take some time to ask the big questions all over again. Somehow this role, this (military wife) life has made me realize how easily one can deny themselves in order to aim for a larger picture of happiness or maybe status quo. Sometimes we end up having to put some of our tendencies on the back burner but that's not always a bad thing.......and everything in life teaches us something else toward the next step.
So after a week of more "deep" thoughts than normal, I finally started talking last night about some of the realizations that I've had lately....
A recurring thought of mine in my teens was that I just wanted to aim for being average. After being pushed through the educational experience as an intelligent female encouraged to achieve, achieve, achieve (educationally and professionally)....somehow deep down I knew that middle ground is where I wanted to end up. I realize that compared to many throughout this nation and the world, I have had amazing opportunities available to me...even though hard work and commitment were always required and I don't know that I would say that "opportunity" was ever just handed to me on a silver plate (even though in the bigger picture, I imagine that it was....). When I first started embarking on a re-examination of my life priorities in my early twenties, I recognized how my desire for average and lack of materialist tendency (especially in comparison to many of my peers and the US society as a whole) coincided nicely with the values and philosophy of the simple living movement.
NOW what I've also realized this last week is that...I sort of feel a sense of settling or maybe even completion. Sure, I still have things that I'd like to do in life, some more than others of course, and some that it's okay if they never happen. But in the larger picture, I already feel like I've had the opportunity to see, do, and achieve... I'm a couple years shy of 30 and I've already been able to live and/or travel on 4 continents, to complete three degrees, to travel throughout 75% of my nation, to recognize my body's ability to physically go where I never thought it could, and to interact and help individuals from all walks of life.
Thus at this point, I feel myself already having "achieved." I feel less of a desire for achievement of personal goals and am wondering more again about enjoyment. And I'm not talking enjoyment in that sense of waste of resources enjoyment, and maybe more of it is wondering about how to increase enjoyment for others.....
Ironically one thing that I have come to enjoy while being here is the one thing that I never expected to really enjoy....and that is work aka in the form of a full-time job. Sure, all things considered I'd probably enjoy a lil bit under full-time, but at this point I feel fortunate to work and to work in a position that actually brings me: enjoyment. (And truthfully, it'll be a while before any amount of work pays off those half-a-mortgage size graduate school loans....)
Doubly ironically, my realization of this focus not on achievement, happens to be when the hub needs to most focus on achieving....which hopefully will turn into a win-win situation, a sort of needed balancing act I suppose.
So while I don't have all the answers and maybe this is all a round about way of getting me back to Square One of simplicity and appreciation.....it's sort of nice to be moving back into a stage of deeper thinking, evaluating, (hopefully) increased giving, and maybe even a bit more life enjoying...
But then again, maybe I need to just stop asking "what's next?"
It's amazing how quickly this gal went from being someone who never stopped thinking/dreaming/examining/wanting to talk about the big philosophical statements of life to being one who had to force herself to re-examine the big picture and take some time to ask the big questions all over again. Somehow this role, this (military wife) life has made me realize how easily one can deny themselves in order to aim for a larger picture of happiness or maybe status quo. Sometimes we end up having to put some of our tendencies on the back burner but that's not always a bad thing.......and everything in life teaches us something else toward the next step.
So after a week of more "deep" thoughts than normal, I finally started talking last night about some of the realizations that I've had lately....
A recurring thought of mine in my teens was that I just wanted to aim for being average. After being pushed through the educational experience as an intelligent female encouraged to achieve, achieve, achieve (educationally and professionally)....somehow deep down I knew that middle ground is where I wanted to end up. I realize that compared to many throughout this nation and the world, I have had amazing opportunities available to me...even though hard work and commitment were always required and I don't know that I would say that "opportunity" was ever just handed to me on a silver plate (even though in the bigger picture, I imagine that it was....). When I first started embarking on a re-examination of my life priorities in my early twenties, I recognized how my desire for average and lack of materialist tendency (especially in comparison to many of my peers and the US society as a whole) coincided nicely with the values and philosophy of the simple living movement.
NOW what I've also realized this last week is that...I sort of feel a sense of settling or maybe even completion. Sure, I still have things that I'd like to do in life, some more than others of course, and some that it's okay if they never happen. But in the larger picture, I already feel like I've had the opportunity to see, do, and achieve... I'm a couple years shy of 30 and I've already been able to live and/or travel on 4 continents, to complete three degrees, to travel throughout 75% of my nation, to recognize my body's ability to physically go where I never thought it could, and to interact and help individuals from all walks of life.
Thus at this point, I feel myself already having "achieved." I feel less of a desire for achievement of personal goals and am wondering more again about enjoyment. And I'm not talking enjoyment in that sense of waste of resources enjoyment, and maybe more of it is wondering about how to increase enjoyment for others.....
Ironically one thing that I have come to enjoy while being here is the one thing that I never expected to really enjoy....and that is work aka in the form of a full-time job. Sure, all things considered I'd probably enjoy a lil bit under full-time, but at this point I feel fortunate to work and to work in a position that actually brings me: enjoyment. (And truthfully, it'll be a while before any amount of work pays off those half-a-mortgage size graduate school loans....)
Doubly ironically, my realization of this focus not on achievement, happens to be when the hub needs to most focus on achieving....which hopefully will turn into a win-win situation, a sort of needed balancing act I suppose.
So while I don't have all the answers and maybe this is all a round about way of getting me back to Square One of simplicity and appreciation.....it's sort of nice to be moving back into a stage of deeper thinking, evaluating, (hopefully) increased giving, and maybe even a bit more life enjoying...
But then again, maybe I need to just stop asking "what's next?"
1 comment:
I think that I am in a constant state of asking what is next. I have been trying to step back from that lately to just enjoy what is. It definitely has not been easy with all the changes that always seem to be happening in my life. But, taking a step back to enjoy my babes for a bit is definitely something I am trying harder for now! I think my turning 30 in a couple months is making me want to slow life WAY down :-) Looking forward to reading about your move home!
Post a Comment