A Week in Review & a Friday Hike

We've had a week or so of absolutely gorgeous weather, although tomorrow is supposed to head back into a week of being overcast and rainy. Its been absolutely glorious to see so much sunshine though and the week has been full of moments of soaking up the rays interspersed with the extra chaos of our busiest event week out of the center. Earlier mornings this week and extra hours, but after tonight I'm headed into a downward slide toward exiting my job and the spring term.  There will be a week break in June before summer term (and the 11 credits I'm teaching) commences.

This week has brought some additional knowledge of the changes coming up (Tall D & housemate will be moving out by the end of the first weekend in June) and one evening this week was spent discussing with Tall D and his new apartment mates what they want/need to take from the house versus what will be staying, etc. There are a few items that are being negotiated, but the fact that "our" stuff has pretty much always been "his" or "hers" makes it easier. For the most part, Tall D and I are keeping it friendly but at times it can be a challenge. I still care so much for that man and wish that things weren't heading the way that they are, but there are also moments when I feel like it's definitely the healthier decision. Most days I just keep shaking my head that although it maybe was expected, two months ago I also never would have imagined this to currently be our lives.

Tonight is our biggest event happening this week and two of my main guys separately ended up needing to be checked out by medical providers. More than likely they won't be attending, but I'm hopeful that the rest of the crew can step it up and be on their best behavior. To say I'm a little leery of the upcoming evening is an understatement. Tall D and one of his friends will be there however and my cousin will be helping as well.

The chickens are back to laying regular eggs. My coop will be started on over Memorial Day weekend, as will some additional yard work be completed. Plus it's sounding like I will be taking bro to get his birthday tattoo. Last evening, we headed down to take my brother out to dinner and then to celebrate with cheesecake at my sisters. It was nice to spend an evening with my siblings and to rival against my nephew in Wii fit. :)

This week also granted a few moments to half-complete some Insanity work-outs and to get in one dehydrated 80 degree 5k run. I'm in conversation with one of Tall D's and my friends about him helping me train for a half-marathon during the coming year. We'll see how that idea progresses.

An afternoon laying out in the sun reading for fun and indulging in a bottle of wine and a great 7 mile hike in the forest just about rounded out the rest of the week. Pictures from the hike are below:

The dogs checking out the trail.

Beautiful tree tops.

Z checking out the creek.

Roxi looking like a dirty adorable mutt.

Me with the girls.

Pretty flowers and ferns.

The dogs checking out the spring.

Wildflowers along the road.

Big Shrimpin & Some Clams Y'all

Talk about an awesome weekend y'all! 

To be honest, I headed into this last weekend not being sure what to expect and feeling more exhausted than usual. Beyond all the emotional suppression between Tall D and I, work has been busy busy as I finished preparations for this week's events and finally caught up on all my grading. 

However, as seems to be fast becoming the norm, my friends seem to know what I need better than I do these days, and my buddy Z 'napped me for a long weekend of shrimping, clamming, cooking, fire pitting, and wine indulging up on Hood's Canal in Washington with his friends and fam. We were bummed not to be joined with another buddy of ours nor one of my cousins, but it seriously was a blast all the same....

And who would have thought that THIS GIRL (being me) would go shrimpin......except it totally reminded me of the type of fun things we'd do way back in high school. In fact the whole weekend left me feeling a bit more settled, a lot more relaxed, and yet connected to that ol' 16 year old version of myself in a way I haven't felt in years. The sun was out, I got my grading done, and I even snuck in a short little run alongside the busy highway. I learned a new skill, I expanded my eating choices (morrels, spicy shrimp, clam linguine, smoked salmon over salmon pate on crackers---DELISH!), I actually helped prep for cooking one night, I met some great new people, I got in some kiddie snuggle sessions, I loved on an adorable doggie, and I got to be out on one of my greatest of loves: the water. It seriously was amazing folks!

The 2nd boat in our group searching for the right spots to place their pots.

Z hauling in one of the pots...I'm pretty sure I only snagged a picture of one of our emptiest pots from the weekend. ;)

SHRIMP! Us ladies had the job of counting, bagging, and placing each person's limit on ice. (Each person only gets 80 shrimp per day and you can only have your pots in the water between 9am and 1pm.)

The view from the docks, the day we stopped for a leisurely breakfast in between putting in and pulling up pots.

Gorgeous view of the mountains, no?

Z showing me how to rake up the clams.

Me with some of our clam harvest.

The amazing view from my hotel room's balcony.  

Sunday morning I got in an early call to Mom for Mother's Day before we drove back for me to make the last half of Sunday brunch honoring Granny. It was great to spend some time with Dad's side of the extended family and it gave Granny and I a chance to finally chat about the recent changes in my life. While the conversation didn't start out like I'd hoped, in the end she was able to support and understand all the same. (Sometimes withholding the total truth of one's life in lieu of the "everything's all okay" facade can make it difficult for people to understand once the final veil of the facade is lifted....) Then per the recent norm, Tall D, housemate, my cousin, Z, another buddy and myself had our weekly Sunday evening get together, which actually took us back over to my aunt & uncles for an evening of pizzas and drinks on their amazing deck. 

All in all, the weekend was full of good food, good drinks, good people, and good times. To say that much sunshine and smiles occurred this weekend would be an understatement. Here's hoping the forecasted week of sunshine continues and that those smiles might stay in place also!

Wishing the best for you and yours!

PS Heather---you're the best for the card, thank you so much!

Split...and It Aint the Banana Kind

...although there is a container of Banana Split Tillamook ice cream in my freezer that continues to be steadily eaten away. But it's working toward official folks, Tall D (hub) and I will be no more. The conversation leading toward my knowledge of that decision occurred on Monday night and to say I didn't take the news very well is an understatement. I granted myself two full days off work in the middle of this week to grieve and despair. Ironically the timing couldn't have been much worse since we're smack dab in the midst of last minute event planning, it's mid terms, and Tall D's birthday was on Tuesday....however if there's one thing I'm continually learning, it's that life doesn't always go as planned....more on this in a second.

The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)

To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.

The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.

And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.

I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.

Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!

A Life Update: Bittersweet

How does one update a month that has been so full of decisions and upcoming changes? Well, I'm taking the easy way out....I'm gonna use bullets. ;)

--I spent the most amazing, restoring, and refreshing vacation I've had in years in San Antonio over a long weekend mid-month. I visited one of my favorite gals from one of my grad programs. We spent a day in Austin, which I've always wanted to see, and afternoons walking along almost every section of the river walk. We enjoyed evenings drinking wine, ate loads of great food, and spent numerous hours laughing and catching up on the past year. In all reality....I loved it so much that I didn't want to come home.

--Which also sort of led/finalized the biggest decision of the month/year, but one that has been a long time coming: Hub and I are separating. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than words can ever express but there has been a lot missing for a long time...and I finally decided that it's time for me to try to be happy...even if that means having to be on my own again. I know it sounds so cliche to say that I want to be happy because I know that we aren't always happy in life....but for numerous reasons, I haven't exactly felt that I can ever make my husband happy....and that's been a hard pill to swallow for the 3/4 of our marriage that I've felt that way. I still truly believe in what we could have had together, but we both have to believe in and be willing to pursue that...and along the journey of us attempting to live somewhat cohesively together, I've also lost myself while trying to fit into what he needed from life....I became that woman that I always hear about and yet shake my head in disbelief.

--So what does this mean? Well, it means that I'm still going to care about him and I still love him. The ball is in his court as to what he wants this to be, if anything, in the long run....but he also knows that I expect to be cherished and truly loved in return. And he'll probably need to work through some stuff in order to do so. So for now, we live as wonderful housemates until this summer (we seriously do live incredibly well together), when he'll try to find a place on his own and decide if he just wants a break or for this to be the end. Regardless of the outcome and the marriage we've had, I truly believe in this man....and the future he might have.

--The secondary part of all this is that while of course I'm sad, I'm also relieved to finally be standing up on my own two feet again...and to have heard honesty come from him. I've already spent most of our marriage in disbelief and sadness, so in a sense I feel....a little more free.  Free to just be me, just as he's been doing, and to stop worrying about what I'm not doing right for him. In all honesty, my ring came off the day I finally made my decision and while I sometimes miss its place on my finger, it's nice to feel like it's okay to make decisions just for myself again...and to follow my heart wherever it takes me.

--All this being said, I'm slowly telling family and friends--many of whom haven't known that any issues existed. I have yet to tell Granny and I'm honestly dreading doing so.....

--In the midst of all this, coworker moved out. It was amazing to have him, but it's nice to have a bit more space in the house again. Back to hub, myself, plus hub's friend.

---However I have to say there have been some great moments lately:
-- We had a wonderful weekend of sunshine last weekend, which included a hike with hub, hub's friend, my brother, myself, and four dogs. We ended the day with a salmon & burgers BBQ at our house that included a good buddy of mine and another vet too. The evening wrapped up with games of washers and bean bags.

--Monday afternoon brought another hike with my good buddy and the dogs, and a major heart to heart conversation ending in some good decisions for him.  Singing country songs on the drive into the woods, an evening of pitchers of old school PBR, and grilled cheese off country roads left me feeling like its summertime....

--The trees are blooming, there are spring showers, and next week will be week five of the term. Teaching has truly been my reprieve and as interesting as my new classes have been, it's been a blessing to have those three hours two nights a week to just forget the rest of life and pour myself into my passion. I turned in my official resignation for my veteran's position and will no longer be in that position as of mid June. The irony is that as much as I need a break from that position (and in some ways it also led to me realizing much of what was missing in my marriage), I also will need to be looking for another part-time job to supplement my income if I am to return to being a single woman. I'm scheduled out for teaching through December and have some savings, but I'll still need an extra cushion come fall.

--Both my supervisors have proven to be amazingly supportive and empathetic....and while there is much event planning and details to get done in the next weeks, I've been encouraged to take personal time for myself as needed.

--The last two weeks have also brought out the amazing support of my friends, both new and old. I've been able to get together with many of my in-town gals already and I've constantly got texts coming in from others just letting me know they're available as needed. Ironically, the hardest ones for me to see right now are family, because as much as I know it shouldn't get to me.....any thought of divorce always makes me feel like I'm letting down the family name....

--Tera (our broody chicken) finally stopped brooding and has rejoined the rest of the world. It took a few days of tossing her out of the kennel and shutting it off, but she's back to her regular pecking activities. We continue to get about an egg a day. In cat news, the bell collar is not enough to stop Major---we've had two more birds (including a large robin) since hub snapped a collar back on him.

--Draw Something. It's my newest Iphone addiction thanks to my gal in San Antonio. She's playing it. I'm playing it. Hub's playing it. A few of my vets are playing it. You should play it too ;)

--And all things considered, the summer is looking good. I'm still planning on trying to road trip it with my girls to AZ for my 30th. My gal Heather and her hub just got "orders" to be stationed near Savannah, where my best friend and her hub are stationed---so I'm crossing my fingers that I can budget a trip out to see all of them still during my break in September. There's talk of a July trip to Hawaii for the wedding of one of the vets from the center....and there just might be another amazing dream trip for the end of August. Beyond potential hikes, river floats, fishing, gardening, playing with the dogs, beach trips, BBQs, and camping--the summer regulars.

In all gray clouds....we must look to the sun that could be just around the corner.

The Age Post

So I'm finally going to cash in on the long awaited age post--thanks for the reminder Heather!

Hub and I just returned from a trip down to our home town---that was equal parts comforting and restoring. However the time BEFORE that a few weeks ago, definitely had me thinking about age--as in recognizing that we (my friends and I) aren't exactly the spring chicks that we used to be (not that most of us were ever the type to really think that anyway.....). Last time I drove home was a solo trip and as I drove into town I stopped for gas and a quick bite to eat from Taco Bell (do as I say, not as I do health students....). My first reminder of the fact that I've actually "made it" into a different age category in life occurred when I stopped for gas and asked the 20yo attendant how he was that particular night. He responded with a smile that he was" young and broke"....and I had to pause for a second, evaluate my life, and then respond with "yes, I remember those days...." The second stop through the drive through also made me pause when I realized just how incredibly young 15-16 years old looks these days, as I drove through the drive thru window.

This particular trip home I met one of my high school best friends for breakfast and we chatted about all things: life, love, work....and the pursuit of all of the above. One thing we also tend to chat about these days is age....as in the fact that we now actually are given respect in our jobs and younger students seem to grant more authoritative power with age. We no longer necessarily have to prove ourselves in our jobs, as we've finally reached an age where people seem to expect that we do actually know what we are doing. This trip also took me back to my old high school for a local fundraising event where I again re-gained perspective on what 16 actually looks like and saw many of my former students already legally able to drink. Trips home can almost always put age into perspective.

My gal and I have also talked about the addition of a few wrinkles and some extra pounds..of which I now have a few more implications of age under my eyes. But in reality, while many of my friends are bemoaning turning 30---this year I'm feeling much more welcoming of this particular birthday. 25 was incredibly difficult for me, but 30 I am attempting to embrace.....and these are some of the reasons why:

While not everything in life is perfect and I still have moments of 16yo insecurity, I am actually quite happy with many aspects of my life as I head into 30. I can run farther and swim longer continuously as I head into 30 than I could at 18. I've come to realize that my body has never been capable of a truly flat stomach, but I can embrace where it is at and for the most part feel comfortable in a two piece. I'm proud of maintaining and improving upon my physical health as my age has increased rather than allowing the reverse to occur. As I head into 30, I'm more comfortable in my role in my family. I've provided how I could and recognize the importance of my family connections, while also finally recognizing that my family doesn't have to define or 100% truly accept me. As I head into 30, I'm thankful for my chosen career path and the occupations that have allowed me to get to where I am. My resume and education is solid enough that I feel comfortable in my chosen areas.....and I'm incredibly fulfilled in my chosen field. I feel fortunate to have studied and received degrees in areas that are practical and yet also passions of mine. At 30, I see the connections I've maintained throughout my life and new connections developing all the time, and I feel so fortunate for my friends, colleagues, and aquaintances who continue to be ever present in my life. As I head into 30, I also continue to recognize that while I don't give Him enough credit....so much credit is truly due to the one who has guided my life through all of my good and bad choices....allowing me to arrive (mainly) settled where I am...and yet knowing He will continue to provide in the moments and years ahead.

So when there's so much good about 30......how can one bemoan the passing of another decade? Especially as I'm in a stage where I'm ready to embrace that which the 30s can offer. So while I still have months before the official transfer occurs....cheers to the next decade ahead! May it offer each of us more moments of beautiful, more opportunities to give, more moments of complete forgiveness, and plenty of fulfillment. :)

Tonight....

Tonight I'm at my parent's house and will be for the weekend. Dad's carrying my brother via FaceTime to check on my furry ladies that are peeking in the back door. The dogs have seemingly befriended the new neighbor dogs and tackled each other multiple times across mom and dad's backyard. For all the moments when I'd feared that my non-dog parents would begrudge my animals, they secretly love to see our furry girls frolicking through their grass and eagerly licking their windows. At night the girls always sleep curled up on their beds that have been thrown in the back of dad's old truck in the garage.

Tonight hub and I showed up in our hometown about 5:30pm. We dropped off our bags and drove to our old high school, where hub took off with a friend to help set up an event and I swam oh-so-absolutely-amazing-many laps in my old high school pool. It was the first time I'd dived in between my old lane lines since our return and it was wonderful to feel my arms slicing and carrying me through the clear water. I embraced the comfort of things being exactly as they were 12 years ago--pull buoys and kick boards are still found in the same bins, and I spent a few moments re-connecting with the lifeguard on duty who had been one of my students back when I was a local sub.

Tonight I was reminded of how much of a natural provider my father is and how fortunate I am for his continual guidance and quiet example in my life. I relished sitting down at the table to a meal produced by dad and enjoyed actual conversation over food with both my parents. I purposefully embedded into my mind the moments of standing quietly by my father's side, being handed dripping clean dishes for me to wipe and dry, all while looking out of the back windows of the house together. I've spent this evening, butt settled into the couch half-ass watching the Mariners vs As game, with Dad pointing out the important points of the game---just like many evenings we spent together in years prior.

Tonight I've enjoyed watching Squeaks, mom and dad's lil cat, who has spent the evening bemoaning changes in her surroundings. ;) I'm relishing her quite nap two cushions over from me, her head twisted into itself.

Tonight I'm looking forward to tucking myself into the guest twin beds in the back corner bedroom and losing myself into deep moments of sleep. I'm eager for morning coffee with one of my best friends, and hopeful for an afternoon beach trip with the dogs and a soul-kid sister and her beautiful babies for a check-in. Tonight I'm ready to settle into the Sunday pews of my youth and remember the hope and promise of a Savior that I so frequently overlook.

Tonight I'm somewhere between frustrated and fortunate......and really just thankful to again be wrapped up in the graces and comforts of the home of my youth.