I've been reading the desire for increased honesty, openness, and authenticity throughout many other blogs in the last two days, and several have shared how at times they too censor their thoughts and/or postings so as not to offend readers. At times I've toyed with privatizing my blog so I can more freely post my thoughts, and then I laugh at the irony of how this blog was never supposed to become so personal but rather be a method to expose others toward a different way of living. So I'm not going to lie because this post might offend some who I hold dear because I want to write about....family--what it means to me, how it differs, and the primary family value that I hold most dear. (Censoring on this topic tends to occur because I have a tendency to be more blunt....so please, know that no injury is ever intended as thoughts flow out of my heart and mind.)
Now let me make it clear: I absolutely LOVE my related family. I feel incredibly fortunate to have been raised by my parents, who so deeply instilled within my siblings and myself a sense of individualism and independence. Without the two of them, I never would have been encouraged to so freely be myself and I never would have learned of the immensity of unconditional love. I enjoy my varied relationships with my siblings, and while each of us is incredibly different than the other three, I seriously wouldn't have us any other way. During the most recent half of my life, my extended family on both sides has taught me numerous lessons, and those that I interact with in my extended family most frequently bring me moments of laughter.
I'm also blessed with a family of friendships: my high school best girl who I consider to be my sister of choice based on a history full of both love and strife. And a handful of others who have been or were similar to surrogate cousins. And this is where a major difference comes in when it comes to my choice of friends: I'm incredibly selective in who I let in because I'm incredibly loyal once a friend transitions into my family circle.
As mentioned before, one of the hardest aspects of moving home this year was the idea of transitioning back into a larger family, although this is something I transitioned through once before as a child. Being raised in a military family, we were used to creating surrogate relationships wherever we were and our parents taught us to foster relationships with each other, with ourselves, and with our friends. People in our church became surrogate aunts & uncles. Our older neighbors were surrogate grandparents, and I, at least, fought like cats & dogs with some of my childhood friends as they become surrogate cousins & siblings. When we moved back to Oregon in my childhood, suddenly I had new aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that I had never really had the chance to know......and at times it was an interesting transition (add on to this the fact that I will finally admit that I was/am a bit of a brat.) It took years for real relationships to develop with some of these relatives, some never did, and others blossomed and later withered. Trying to decipher this larger family image and understand my role in the bigger picture was something I still struggled with in my mid 20s.
Additionally, I generally find that my relationships with my family are different than others I talk to. I come from an immediate family of various ages. I'm closer in age to my two eldest nephews than my sister, but somewhere in my late teens/early 20s I developed great relationships with my two older siblings, while my middle brother had long been one of my dearest friends. I come from a long line of stubbornness, which also led me to stop talking to my maternal grandfather in the few years before his death--although being a stubborn soul himself, it's not something I imagine he held against me. The way I remember my paternal poppa is a different vision than the version I hear most frequently from other members of my family. To me, he will forever be a builder, a dreamer, a lover, a gentle creative soul, a man of quirky dreams, a deep laugh, and a twinkle forever in his eye. It is because of him that I am such a lover of my fellow human and education. Its rare that I talk to my parents or siblings more than 1-2x a month, although this doesn't mean we don't think of each other or deeply love each other. Some of my favorite high school family memories include long political and social conversations between my brother, father, and myself during the dinner hour. My earlier family Thanksgivings were full of moments of family gossip and deep sarcasm. My relationship with my father is incredibly strong and until I got married, I couldn't imagine another man, other than my father and grandfather, ever meaning more to me.
.....and then I got married, and discovered that it was possible to love another male as deeply. And somewhere in our nine weeks of "courtship" I promised to introduce him to the one and only family value that I hold deeply in my heart: unconditional love. Hub's family life is very different than mine, as when I left Oregon to be with him my ties to my family both extended and immediate were incredibly strong, while hub's ties to his related family were slightly broken and a surrogate family had enveloped him in its place. And in two tumultuous years of total separation from our related and surrogate families, a different relationship based on hub and our furry friends (aka we don't consider our dogs our surrogate children) took its place. There's much that occurred during that time that I chose not to share with 99% of my family & friends, and instead relied on the support of a few and friendships of that newest of surrogate families: my fellow milspouses.
In our conversations about moving home, hub and I had several chats about transitioning into our diverse families and where potential boundaries might need to be implemented. Neither of us had spent much of any time beyond an initial introduction with the other's family, and while hub and I are equally similar and yet different, we come from very different blood and surrogate families. Hub is a private person (so much so that I sometimes feel guilty sharing so freely as of late), where I used to be much more of an open book. Hub has had to grow into a life of complete independence, where I come from an extended family that appreciates elements of codependence. Hub doesn't relish love demonstrated via touch, but I come from a family full of cuddles, arms over shoulders, and hugs. Marriage has brought us into some compromise, but we both attempt to accept the differences that do exist rather than push the other toward conformity.
In the months since our return, I have heard several times on one side the mention of the ways that members of our family should operate. I've felt the suggestion from other sides of family to better fulfill what could be seen as our family duties. I've returned to the internal pressure that I put upon myself to live up to the family expectations....and in so doing have cast over elements that I used to love about myself. And I've realized from other newer family how much I sometimes relish those old moments of myself which include spontaneity, crasness, and appreciation of inappropriate freedom. I've also seen another version of what my family value of unconditional love can look like. The reality is that the basic family value that was engrained in me from both immediate and extended family was that of unconditional love, and that is the one value that I will continue to hold on to and to demonstrate to my husband, to our related family, and to our surrogate family members deep in my heart. Unconditional love doesn't mean it's all rosy and pleasant however, and thus my version may at times be demonstrated differently than expected.
Truthfully the reality that I am continuing to come back to is that hub and I are our own family unit based on our own values, lifestyle, expectations, hopes, and dreams.....and even between the two of this that doesn't always equal out. Neither of us follow a pre-laid plan and both of us tend to desire to buck the expectations placed upon us. But this is the life that we authentically live, even if one of us tends to be better at it than the other. And with that.....here I go, starting to bang my drum! :)
