Productive Changes

I have to wonder how my head is staying on straight lately, but it is! I have to give huge props to my family and several of my friends-all have offered many words of encouragement and reflective ears. This entire experience has given me the opportunity to notice how much I have grown. I have, for the most part, learned how to take life in stride. Don't get me wrong, there will be moments of "overwhelmingness" and verbally purging my thoughts, but within the last several years I have lived a much calmer existence.

Part of it has been learning to live more simply, part of it is having a deeper trust of life, and part of it is the continual support from those in my life.

During the last week I have been able to accomplish many things. I accepted a practicum placement working with HIV prevention. This position is one that will push me in new directions and will include working with a population I have never worked with previously. I attended my second session of classes for the new program, and feel that I will gain a vast array of new skills and knowledge during the coming year. This year will primarily focus on my courses and practicum for the social work program, although I will still be picking up some classes to complete the public health program. I also will have a public health internship which I hope to do internationally next summer.

I have learned how to navigate craigslist and have been exploring my housing options throughout the week. I contacted 5 households and at this point am to meet with two of them this weekend. All prospects are within blocks of public transportation (downtown/campus travel) and have quick freeway access (practicum placement transportation). All prospects also have gardens, roommate(s) with similar or compatible interests, and most have a cat. And all prospects will save me about $200-250 a month. Hopefully the right opportunity will work out, especially since I put in my 30 day notice on the apartment this afternoon.

Yesterday I submitted an extensive application for a student retention and diversity program graduate assistantship position. Today I sent in my resume for a grant funded research project in which I would interview meth users who are receiving HIV education. I also contacted an organization about part-time employment mentoring youth. The key is finding something flexible to work with the schedule I'll have next year, but I'm hopeful that one of these contacts will provide me with something.

I'm almost done with the final scholarship application, and am still praying that one of the other scholarships I applied for this spring will come through. Not all of them have been awarded until this point and just one would take a huge weight off my shoulders.

But generally, I'm keeping my head on my shoulders. Except for declining multiple social invitations, I'm still laughing, still walking, still reading for class, still praying, and still checking in with people in my life. And this morning I learned how simple it is to modify a large manila envelope into two legal sized envelopes! Yet another example that there's always a way to create something new out of something difficult.

I hope you all have been having a wonderful week!

Better Than I Thought

Last night, in the shower, I realized that in response to my posting from a couple of days ago, I'm living more simply and greener than I sometimes give myself credit. Why did this thought arise? Well a) I was showering with just the light through the window (to save electricity and to cut down on the heat in my apartment, something I do quite frequently). b) I was lathering up with "natural" soaps, shampoos, & conditioner while shaving with a recycled razor. and c) I was thinking about how long I can go without having to replenish any groceries and about how I'm trying a little experiment of going without deodorant. But it dawned on me how natural these types of actions have become in my life. Sure there's room for improvement, but I'm doing a lot that I tend to take for granted.

I spent most of yesterday reading for my classes and going through the piles of accumulated magazines and bulletins that I have received over the last year. While I'm on the "no contact" marketing lists, I do subscribe to one bimonthly magazine, Mother Earth News, and I receive one monthly newspaper from the American Public Health Association due to being a member. Both of which are packed with wonderful information, but neither of which I actually read on a regular basis.

There's something about moving that makes you take stock of all that you own however. I do not have much, mainly by choice, in comparison to other apartment dwellers, but somehow it's possible to accumulate no matter how little you own. Thus I'm in the process of weeding out un-necessary documents (recycling), books (selling), and shoes (donating), and thinking of how best to pack most things.

Waking up yesterday, I realized that I would be best off financially if I can move into a cheaper living situation before September. I have made a few contacts to individuals via craigslist and am hoping for the best. I will need to put in my notice to my apartment manager, but hope I have ample time to find something new. I also should know within the next few days exactly where my practicum placement will be and on which days, decreasing the amount of unknowns currently present in my life. I'm just making sure to keep my head up and my prayers strong.

However this whole process has again reminded me of how difficult it is to be on the lower economic rung of society-a place where more people are headed during this difficult time within our nation. I'm lucky enough to have had the foresight to recognize my situation and begin to take action ahead of time. I also realize that while I'm drastically reigning in (no going out at all, no extra purchases besides necessities), I am making that decision by choice in order to maybe have a bit of breathing space left in the next few months. Many others make this daily decision because they truly have no other choice. I've also been reminded of how difficult it is to buy organic and use natural personal care products, when the funds do not exist to allow these extra perks. So sad that we must exchange our long term health and that of the Earth in order to survive in the short term.

So in comparison, I truly do feel that I'm doing better than I thought, and if anything I'm opening my eyes again and realigning to the better way to live.

Childhood Values

Yesterday I had a realization-well actually many realizations. But I realized that part of the current wastefulness/rudeness issue stems from my generation choosing to disregard many of the lessons we were taught as children.

This thought pattern initially started a week or so back when I dropped my camera on the floor. This is the camera that is less than a year old, and my initial thought was, "oh well, i dropped it." I'm not sure if this thought stemmed from my not attributing complete meaning to material goods, but lately I wondered if I didn't care because really I could go out and at some point buy another camera. Thinking about all of this, I realized that as a child, I was taught to take much better care of objects. If I would have dropped the family camera back then, I would have been in a lot more trouble and gotten a lecture about the value of taking care of expensive goods.

Yet how often in our throw away society do we really try to take the best care of our items? We see this lack of value being demonstrated as people ruin multiple goods, their bodies, and the Earth. Now I'm not a proponent of placing un-necessary priority on material goods, but I do feel that taking better care of (along with the creation of longer lasting) goods could prevent a good portion of the waste we create.

Another thought that came up yesterday in conversation with my cousin pertains to appropriate respect for others. How lax our society has become! While certain traditions only increase burdens and waste, some courtesies are ones that I miss. In my opinion, it is proper to give respect when respect is due. As a (military) child I was taught to use appropriate attire and communication when interacting with others, and I would still prefer to do so in the professional world. I believe in calling the elderly by titles such as sir or ma'am. I believe in modest dress while working. I believe in professional emails and greetings when setting up meetings or requesting employment. I feel that pleasantries can be useful and professionalism decreases pettiness. How sad that so many other adults do not feel the same. How have we lost so many of the values instilled in us by an older generation?

One additional "tradition" that has been passed through our family is also a "repurposing" of sorts. I'm not quite sure where it started, but somehow an ugly carnival gift has made its way into the exchanged gifts of our family members for decades now. The gag gift has now been infiltrated from our parents generation into that of us cousins, and today it was passed on to me via a thank you gift from my cousin. I kept wondering why it was so important to her to give me a gift for watering their plants while they were gone, and then I was instructed not to open it until I got home. And there beautifully wrapped and placed in a bag with a grocery gift card, I found it....the (now) dismantled-kept-together-in-a-ziploc-bag monkey. I wonder who I can pass it on to next.....although my sister and I already thought of a much needed gift for one member of the family. Somehow I don't plan to hang onto this thing for the same amount of time as my cousin! :-) However, if you're family and reading this, let's keep my having this beauty a secret amongst us...

For your benefit, here he is, taken out of the plastic and all:

Positives

Since I've been sort of a "Debbie Downer," I thought I would post a quick list of some of the things I am most grateful for as of late. Even in the midst of uncertainity there is always something positive going on.

I'm thankful for:
-phone calls with my father
-the ability to buy more time on decisions
-the hospitality of my cousin
-clean sheets
-the change of seasons we've finally had
-yet the coolness of the evenings
-sweet talking
-the faith of my family
-my nephew's mission trip to Honduras
-safe travels
-extra candles from my sister
-evenings with muffins & decaf coffee
-the ability to read & learn
-friends who are therapeutically inclined
-the opportunity to live in a nation based on freedoms
-values & traditions
-the opportunity to continue formal education
-the smile of strangers
-the Internet
-groceries in my cupboards
-used textbooks
-and the ability to give amid trials.

In moments such as these, I recognize that my "trials" are nothing compared to those faced by most of the world. If only I could remember that in every moment. How lucky I am!

I hope you all have an incredible weekend!

Harsh Realities

After trying to catch up last night on several of my favorite blogs, I came across the answers to several of my questions in my last post. One thing that hit home was the necessity to look at the amount of income I have and the amount that has gone out. So last night I sat down with my checkbook, online banking, calculator, and a clean Word document and mapped out where my trackable money has gone over the last 3 months. Even with being as careful as I am, it was astonishing to see how much money I have to shell out each month in regards to just the basic essentials. By essentials I am including: rent, electricity, internet, phone, car payment, gas, and food. For me, internet makes life a whole lot easier, gas is minimal since I do not drive much, and the car payment while not necessarily essential will be worthwhile once it's officially paid off. These areas are areas that I feel are necessary for me to continue to pay.

Previous to doing all of this, I knew that my basic essentials were about $250 more than what I have coming in currently from student loans. However I had a cushion from my summer job and returned taxes, so until this point it has been fine. Looking forward to the coming year, I realize that "fine" will no longer do as I am going to be above my means and several things will incur increased expenses for the coming year. 1) As of now, I have received slightly less scholarships than I did last year (although I'm still praying more will come through). 2) Each year tuition and fees increase. 3) Due to my practicum, I will have to drive more than last year increasing transportation expenses. And 4) in order to finish both masters in only one more year, I will have to overload a few terms-additionally driving up tuition costs.

Additionally, I realized that even with the minimal social participation that I do each month, I am still spending between $100-200 on various non-essentials. Add onto that the fact that each month I had non-expected expenses ranging from $200-500 based on additional school costs, loan interest on previous school loans, and the car registration ordeal. And with all that combined you can see how I am WAY over budget. Looking at the year ahead, I can't even afford to pay my essentials, let alone the occasional non-essential-I'm-still-somewhat-a-member-of-society, or the always present non-expected expenses.

So where can I make a difference?
1) I could sell my car, but that's not an option I want to take as even with the little I do use it, if I had to pay public transportation and buy into a monthly Flex car option for the distance driving I do, I would actually be more money out. I actually have a fairly cheap car payment and a car that gets pretty good mpg.

2) I can move, which I hate to do as I have not lived continually in the same location for over a year in the last 8 years but this is the most accesible option. I have started looking on craigslist again to see what exists with easy freeway and downtown access. It's just hard via craigslist to know what you might be getting into and I would then be moving yet again next summer. However a change in living situation would a) grant me access to a yard and b) decrease my essential expenses by about $200-300 each month.

3) I can get a part-time job, which is necessary. However I'm learning how much more difficult it is to do this in a large city with so many other educated, young professionals. I'm either too qualified, someone else is already in mind, not likely to stay in the job, or don't have the correct amount of time. I miss small campuses and small towns. The most likely thing is to try to sub on the days I'll have free.

So currently this is where I find myself. Exploring options for ways to decrease expenses while still being able to maintain my sanity for the coming year and full of prayer and hope that the correct doors will open.

Is it Reverting, Compromise, or Becoming Comfortable?

This week was the beginning of my new program and yesterday included 10 minute presentations on ourselves to the cohort. While there are only 12 of us, only 4 of us are local to Portland. The others have come from San Francisco, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Montana, Missouri, Utah, and New Mexico. All are social workers of course, and most seem "green" inclined. Their reasons for coming to Portland vary beyond school, but they seem to be representative of the influx of new people to Portland.

Somehow the fact that I am "local" makes me laugh. As much as I pride myself on being Oregonian, I have realized that although I've lived in Oregon for 16 years, I still hesitate to say I'm from the state. This is especially ironic when I believe my mentality is fairly representative of the state even with the urban/rural divide. So why is it that I hesitate to pinpoint my origin? Maybe it's because I feel I can't wrap my origin into just one segment of my life. Instead I like to think of myself as global citizen-even with how idealist that seems.

While the assignment of presenting myself was easy, it was also difficult to know just how much to share and how to make sense of myself for others. I always begin with the word "contradictive" as descriptive of my attributes, and I mainly blame this on the fact that I was raised in numerous locations and had a variety of experiences which forced me to see both sides of most stories. From the term contradictive, I tried to touch on the key points. Ten years of military and moving; faith based traditional family; the contrast from liberal Eugene to conservative small town; my year in Argentina; the stress of overloaded credits, multiple jobs, too many commitments in college with the benefit of a summer in London; my grandfather's death, my father's cancer, and my brother's divorce; multiple moves home, an attempt at a real job and then graduate school; and ending with Blood Diamond and the changes the simplicity movement invoked for me.

Which leads me to my thoughts of: as of late am I reverting to pre-simplicity/frugality/green living or am I compromising? For the most part many of my initial changes have remained the same. I still walk when possible, use organic products, recycle, reduce use and waste, donate, conserve when I can, and generally be as frugal as I can. But in the last several months I have also bought toxic make-up and gone shopping for new summer clothes. I've also reverted in some areas due to city living (such as using the clothes dryer). However, I suppose my question stems more from the concept that if one isn't moving forward in change, is one instead being stagnant? If I have reverted in some outward areas, am I truly being representative of the lifestyle? Or is it just that many of these actions have become so ingrained in me that it's hard to recognize them as "other" anymore?

When I want so badly to convince more people that change needs to occur, am I doing enough to demonstrate that it's possible? Am I truly living the lifestyle that I feel needs to be lived or instead am I conforming to what society expects? This balance is so hard to strike at times. How do you remain a part of and adhere to many of the ways of society when deep down you feel that society is mainly wrong? When is it compromising and when is it instead hypocrisy?

The shining light lately is seeing the changes that my parents have continued to make even without being forced into it by my presence in their home. Mom has become the recycling advocate among her family, coworkers, and friends. They continue to seperate out for recyling things they can recycle locally and things they must take to the valley to recycle. For the most part, she uses her tote bags and at least thinks about what is in the products they use. They purchased a Prius (and yes, I've heard the debate about how horrible the actual making of hybrids is for the world). Dad still bikes when he can. He mows with an electric mower. They have become the "greenies" in a fairly non-greeny land.

And maybe that's the trick of it. Just doing what you can when you can and being okay with it when you can't. And letting yourself be okay with the small steps back in comparison to the big steps forward already made.....