A Week of Thoughts...

Sister beware....it's a tadbit lengthy...

Monday ended in a reflective bit of depression at the state of the globe. My international health course left me again realizing how much change is required and how many obstacles exist before change can occur. There are moments when I sit in a room full of my peers recognizing that these individuals are humanitarians, who have lived amongst the most economically disadvantaged of our globe. These are individuals who are all pursuing degrees in health and who care about the state of our world. Yet if you heard the opinions, saw the behaviors, and noticed the consumption of all of us you would be astonished. If those of us who know what is going on and know what has to be done, cannot even truly live our lives in a manner to ease the burden of others-then how can we expect other people to change? How can we ask of others, what we ourselves struggle to do?

I have ruminated a lot this week about the thought that ignorance is bliss. If I did not know what I do know, I wouldn't care that the make-up I put on my face each morning leaks toxins into my skin, I wouldn't feel it's necessary to spend $4 on 5-6 organic apples, I wouldn't feel guilty buying new clothes or spending money on a couple of beers with friends, I wouldn't wait until it's really cold to turn the heat on, I wouldn't be annoyed at my new cell phone having problems, and I wouldn't write my representatives asking for change. If I didn't know what I do know, I would freely buy myself new shoes, new CDs, new throw away crap, I'd eat whatever foods I wanted regardless of the health impacts, I wouldn't cook from scratch ever or eat balanced meals, I'd drive my car wherever I wanted, I'd waste heat, water, food more than I already do, and I'd live like most Americans.

So how come even with many of the changes I have made...I sometimes feel it's not enough? And the answer is: Because I do know. I know about what is in so many of the products, I know about the workers in bad conditions and the lack of regulation for me to have the products I buy, I know about the majority of others who suffer because I have too much, and I can't help but wish (at times desperately in my soul) that we wouldn't live like this and that it never would have gotten to this point. But we are here, and regardless of what people say to me, I will never feel that what I do is enough. I've had this discussion many times this week and it's been commented on this blog that I shouldn't feel guilty, partly because of the ways that I do compensate....but that guilt isn't going to go away because these problems will continue to exist and I am still consciously making MANY decisions with negative impacts.

There are moments when I am saddened by how much I still allow society to influence my desires, but I also have come to realize I suppose that sometimes in order to influence change you have to remain a part of society to get to the power players and to the masses. But when will I regain the motivation I once had and do that? Although that's more of a personal question than anything....

A conversation from this week also discussed the idea of praying to be uncomfortable in one's life. This concept is one that first was mentioned to me by an old college roommate and at the time, I didn't like the idea. Yet in my own life, I soon realized that in the moments when I was the most "uncomfortable," I seemed to be going through the most growth-generally both professionally and personally, as for me the two tend to operate interchangeably. And it was during these periods of growth that I depended most upon God to help me become a better person, to use me to touch the lives of others, to teach me about my strengths and weaknesses, and to strengthen my relationship with Him.

Thus being "uncomfortable" can yield incredible results. And one could argue that when we become too comfortable, we are in fact stagnant. So I found it ironic when the other individual in the conversation posed the question to me, "So are you uncomfortable?" And my response was....no, I'm not uncomfortable.....in fact I live my life in a means to be as stress-free and "safe" (well as safe as can be based upon the first paragraphs of above) as possible. In fact, I would have to say that I pretty much make decisions that I already know what the results will be. And the two additional ironies are that currently I feel like I trust God more than I usually do and that there are many moments when I feel that where I am now is where I am supposed to be. So then, why do I also feel that I AM indeed stagnant....because I am waiting....and I haven't quite yet gotten to the point of recognizing what I am supposed to be learning while I am waiting........however I don't know that I'm quite at the point of wanting to be uncomfortable either although I know it will arrive.....it always does....

May be some unfinished thoughts....but just like everyone else, I'm a unfinished individual....