Decisions, Decisions.....

It's like these mass updates keep occurring :) but don't worry, I promise there are some fun things also.

I guess major announcement #1 is that Tall D and housemate G are still living in the house so far, albeit they're paying rent on their apartment also. The main reason behind this is that Tall D and I have been trying to figure out where we currently stand, because last week a prior decision was reversed for the time being, honest communication ensued, and hopes for a future (either together or apart) were shared. There have been major conversations since then and lots of time spent shared together---but we're still no where closer to a decision on which of three main paths to walk down. There's still much to work through..... and if I'm being authentic...then honestly I feel like I'm avoiding listening to my heart AND to my head. Avoidance isn't usually my subscription to life, but no one wants to be the one to make a final decision.

All this ties into announcement #2 which is that plans for the summer are on a stand-by. I've been looking forward to a summer of simple pleasures--river floats, hiking, gardening & yard work, travels, happy hours, etc, interspersed with my summer work schedule. While I recognize that all these things are still viable options, I'm not sure how readily they'll still pan out the way I'd envisioned. (Envisioning!!) Additionally Tall D's and my indecision places Z and Tall D's new apartment mates G and J in limbo as well.....

Ha--now add onto all this the end of the term that both Tall D and I are working through. Tall D's trying to bring his grades back toward his 4.0 status and I'm trying to finalize my students grades and prep for summer term. It's looking like I'll maintain in my other position until a new hire can be brought on, which extends my original contract into mid July. Great for the paycheck and my extra responsibility of bills (cell phone plans have already been broken up, half the utilities transferred to my name only, and did you know that car insurance goes up when you're separated?!), but I'm really just ready for some sort of a break this summer. But then again who isn't?!

And all of this leads directly into announcement #3: I've been asked by my supervisor to apply for a fairly big position within my campus...and per the usual I have mixed feelings about applying for it. I honestly don't even know that I could land the job because it's several steps above where I am now, but the recommendation from my supervisor would go far and the other campus administrators have all been impressed with the work I've done in my position this year. I meet many of the qualifications of the position, but I can also guarantee that they'd hope to get someone with more experience than what I have...and it's another position where I feel the fact that I'm only going to be 30 would be unnerving for some. I know I have the ability to do the job but it's also full-time, potentially high-stress, and I would have to give up most of my teaching.

Thus, in life currently, there are many DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

Now I promised some awesomes and I won't fail to deliver....although if you know me on Facebook, you've already seen many of these:

1) This lil' critter I found alive (albeit traumatized) hidden in my closet this week. Looks like Major lost one, but thankfully the bird was rescued and released (mainly) no worse for the wear.

2) I'd been pining for this awesome elephant mug from Starbucks for the last week or two. After sharing that bit of intel with Tall D, he hunted one down and had it in the cupboard to surprise me. Definitely has been making me happy as I sip my morning coffee.

3) My new passport arrived. The irony of life is that it arrived the same day that Tall D sat me down for our change-in-direction conversation. Whether or not it'll get used this summer as originally planned, I honestly can't believe how fast it came and it's still nice to have it available.

4) My buddies Z and B helped my aunt, uncle, cousin, and I rip out my aunt & uncle's old deck on Sunday. In one long day of fun work we got the whole thing removed, enjoyed lots of jokes, indulged in some great lemon drops, and ended the night with an impromptu dance party in their living room. FUN DAY! (Plus some of the wood from the deck is transporting to my place for chicken coop construction.)

5) Last Saturday I did my first organized running event: The Starlight Run which leads off the Starlight Parade. Tall D probably won't be very happy I'm including him in a picture on the blog, but I wanted to document so here we go. He, myself, and one of his college buddies ran the 5k together through downtown PDX. Costumes are encouraged, hence the ram's hat on his head. The run was a ton of fun and we even saw B and B's dog in the crowd! I've been getting a few other 5k runs in during the last week and with the help of Tall D's and my friend who is deployed, I plan to start training for a half. Woot woot---NEW GOALS! :)

So amidst chaos, enjoy the awesomes! How have y'all been?

Spring Time Outfits

So obviously with everything going on, I haven't put much thought into what I'm wearing and have gotten back to the point of grabbing many of my stand-bys. Accessorizing is the last thing on my mind these days...and honestly I've taken more personal days in the last two weeks than I have this entire year. But I did discover a few old outfit pictures from March when we first started having some nice sunny weather on occasion.....and then I bought two new dresses in the last few days which make me happy and "springy." You can tell these top three pictures are from before the separation because a) I still have my ring on b) you can see some of his stuff in the bedroom and truthfully c) I've probably put on 5-10lbs in the last 1-2 months since I'm not working out as much.

MARCH SUNNY OUTFITS:

The usual standby--pencil skirt, plain tank, cardigan, and ballet flats. Pretty sure these are all from Target.

Told ya---uniform, much?  :) 

Pencil skirt, tank, button-up, belted, & w/ leopard print ballet flats.

Pencil skirt, tank, cardigan, ballet flats---theme continues. 

On off days, I love this one with my jean skirt. 

APRIL SUNSHINE:

Pencil skirt, button-up, sandals, & chunky white accessories.

RECENT PURCHASES:

White cami, CK dress (Costco), sandals, & the same ruffled teal cardigan from picture #1. Wore this last evening to teach in.

Dress (recent sale Target), old turquoise cardigan, orange ballet flats--also all Target. 

And both dogs felt the need to help today....and that in Tall D's absence they get to be on the bed more ;) 

Obviously I wasn't joking that when the weather gets nice, dresses and skirts are my FA-VOR-ITE! :)

What are you loving to wear these days?!

A Productive Weekend Staycation

Whew what a weekend y'all, but although it was busy it was also relaxing and fulfilling. Much got crossed off the "need to do" list this weekend for sure! But before I get too far let me broach a few things first:

1) Last Saturdays event went pretty well. Lower turn-out than expected but everyone behaved, the food was decent, the decor and venue looked great, and everyone reported it was a good time. Even Tall D said it was much better than he ever would have expected and for someone who rarely gives compliment that should mean something! (His words, not mine.) The other plus side was that I was left with at least a dozen bouquets of flowers, which I got to bring home and re-vase for the house:

2) Tall D and a coworker of mine both also have made me think twice about leaving the world of veteran services. While I definitely need a break and the center really could use new blood to re-route it a bit more, I asked my supervisor of that position if I could extend until they actually bring someone else on. As much as I burn out, everyone tells me that I do a really good job. My original plan was to vacate as of June 20th and I still might, but extending also gives me the option to stay until the transition can be complete. Plus there are several projects that could get worked on this summer.

3) Tall D and Housemate G are supposed to be moving out this week. They spent the long weekend up at a major concert series in the Gorge and so Z spent part of the weekend here helping me around the house and making sure that we'll be able to live sanely together, as I'm not always the easiest person to live with. (Somehow, Tall D has actually been the best housemate I've ever had. We co-existed in living conditions extremely well.) With the boys moving out, Z will probably officially move in sometime mid-month.

4) Mid-week last week, I went grocery shopping....and it dawned on me that was the first time I'd been grocery shopping in six weeks. Tall D and G haven't been shopping either--how in the world we've existed over the last few weeks, I don't know. (Well okay, I take part of that back....Z brought over food for all of us on occasion.....) But hopefully this return foray into proper nutrition in the fridge is a good sign.

5) Albeit last week was also a bit harder emotionally again. As much as I know in my head that the upcoming split is the right one, some days as it approaches move out day it's a little bit harder for my head and heart to agree. And sometimes they want to agree....but in the opposite direction of it being the smartest decision....

And now without further ado....pictures and some updates from the weekend:

1) Dinner out on Thursday evening followed by an evening curled into blankets on the couch watching Blood Diamond.

2) Spring is upon us, which meant a 8-10 mile walk/hike with the dogs through Forest Park in the middle of the city on Friday afternoon. 

3) Friday dinner out with my brother, Z, and another Marine who you'll probably read a lot about by the letter of B. B will be spending a lot of time with Z and I here this summer...and has been tasked out to complete a few yard projects for me.

4) Saturday morning included a quick trip to the Beaverton Farmer's Market (the largest in the state) for tomatoes, onions, and a few other items for home cooked pasta sauce.

5) Saturday afternoon, I took my brother to meet with two tattoo artists to schedule his tattoo and to put down the deposit. Came back to clean the house, mow the lawn, and weed for an hour before my gal N, her hubby, her SIL S, and S's boyfriend came to join Z and I for dinner. Z's sauce rocked and N's cobbler was A-MA-ZING. It was great to have friends over for dinner, enjoy good food, and even to eat out on the patio!

6) On Sunday, Z and some of the center vets had organized to come over to help me out in the yard. Z and B were able to till my raised beds with a little help from B's wolf-hybrid dog, Rommel. I also spent part of the afternoon ripping out weeds and over-run berry brambles. I'd written previously that one of the guys had drawn up plans for a coop and Sunday was Day #1 for implementation. In this picture, three of them are digging the trench that will hold the gravel, cement footings, and cinder blocks so that hopefully no critters can dig under the chicken wire. B and Z are helping out my aunt and uncle by ripping out their deck for them next weekend, and some of that left over wood will be used to construct part of the chicken's actual shelter. After trench digging, Z grilled up brats and garden burgers for our work crew of 4 guys and 3 of us gals.

7) Monday was a day of errands and garden making. We returned the mini-tiller to my aunt and uncles. Then Z worked over the two chain saws in the garage while I finished my online grading. We headed out to Target (uh....CUTE dresses on sale y'all!), Home Depot, BiMart, and Ace Hardware. I picked up a pair of new work gloves because I'm not sure where my old ones ended up and I sliced the skin off a finger hauling cinder blocks on Saturday. We got a new chain for one of the saws and then Z bought materials to build a sort-of trellis for the beans/peas. When we got back, we planted the garden and then I finished weeding the front of the house. Laundry was done, the rest of my in-person grading and prepping was completed, and somehow even a work-out with Insanity was added in there last night (which felt GREAT!). 

Peas, beans, & various squashes that will run with the rhubarb in the corner.

First box: Tomatoes, the returning artichoke, a row of lettuce, two peppers.

Second box: a row of cucumbers, herbs, two rows of carrots, a row of koli rabi, and space for strawberries.

On trellis: grape making an effort and the kiwi is in full force.

Alongside the boxes: berries, rosemary, overrunning mint, and massive garlics. 

Honestly it was a great weekend and I'm so glad to have the garden in and the coop on its way. The yard has a great start to looking better as well. I worked on perfecting Tall D's blueberry waffles and for the first time made french toast from actual french bread and with my own chicken's eggs. The weekend was the perfect blend of socialization, productivity, and relaxation. However most of all, I feel so grateful to Z and to all the guys for how much they've been helping me out.....and in a lot of ways the future looks potentially brighter...

Hope each of you had a wonderful weekend too!

A Week in Review & a Friday Hike

We've had a week or so of absolutely gorgeous weather, although tomorrow is supposed to head back into a week of being overcast and rainy. Its been absolutely glorious to see so much sunshine though and the week has been full of moments of soaking up the rays interspersed with the extra chaos of our busiest event week out of the center. Earlier mornings this week and extra hours, but after tonight I'm headed into a downward slide toward exiting my job and the spring term.  There will be a week break in June before summer term (and the 11 credits I'm teaching) commences.

This week has brought some additional knowledge of the changes coming up (Tall D & housemate will be moving out by the end of the first weekend in June) and one evening this week was spent discussing with Tall D and his new apartment mates what they want/need to take from the house versus what will be staying, etc. There are a few items that are being negotiated, but the fact that "our" stuff has pretty much always been "his" or "hers" makes it easier. For the most part, Tall D and I are keeping it friendly but at times it can be a challenge. I still care so much for that man and wish that things weren't heading the way that they are, but there are also moments when I feel like it's definitely the healthier decision. Most days I just keep shaking my head that although it maybe was expected, two months ago I also never would have imagined this to currently be our lives.

Tonight is our biggest event happening this week and two of my main guys separately ended up needing to be checked out by medical providers. More than likely they won't be attending, but I'm hopeful that the rest of the crew can step it up and be on their best behavior. To say I'm a little leery of the upcoming evening is an understatement. Tall D and one of his friends will be there however and my cousin will be helping as well.

The chickens are back to laying regular eggs. My coop will be started on over Memorial Day weekend, as will some additional yard work be completed. Plus it's sounding like I will be taking bro to get his birthday tattoo. Last evening, we headed down to take my brother out to dinner and then to celebrate with cheesecake at my sisters. It was nice to spend an evening with my siblings and to rival against my nephew in Wii fit. :)

This week also granted a few moments to half-complete some Insanity work-outs and to get in one dehydrated 80 degree 5k run. I'm in conversation with one of Tall D's and my friends about him helping me train for a half-marathon during the coming year. We'll see how that idea progresses.

An afternoon laying out in the sun reading for fun and indulging in a bottle of wine and a great 7 mile hike in the forest just about rounded out the rest of the week. Pictures from the hike are below:

The dogs checking out the trail.

Beautiful tree tops.

Z checking out the creek.

Roxi looking like a dirty adorable mutt.

Me with the girls.

Pretty flowers and ferns.

The dogs checking out the spring.

Wildflowers along the road.

Big Shrimpin & Some Clams Y'all

Talk about an awesome weekend y'all! 

To be honest, I headed into this last weekend not being sure what to expect and feeling more exhausted than usual. Beyond all the emotional suppression between Tall D and I, work has been busy busy as I finished preparations for this week's events and finally caught up on all my grading. 

However, as seems to be fast becoming the norm, my friends seem to know what I need better than I do these days, and my buddy Z 'napped me for a long weekend of shrimping, clamming, cooking, fire pitting, and wine indulging up on Hood's Canal in Washington with his friends and fam. We were bummed not to be joined with another buddy of ours nor one of my cousins, but it seriously was a blast all the same....

And who would have thought that THIS GIRL (being me) would go shrimpin......except it totally reminded me of the type of fun things we'd do way back in high school. In fact the whole weekend left me feeling a bit more settled, a lot more relaxed, and yet connected to that ol' 16 year old version of myself in a way I haven't felt in years. The sun was out, I got my grading done, and I even snuck in a short little run alongside the busy highway. I learned a new skill, I expanded my eating choices (morrels, spicy shrimp, clam linguine, smoked salmon over salmon pate on crackers---DELISH!), I actually helped prep for cooking one night, I met some great new people, I got in some kiddie snuggle sessions, I loved on an adorable doggie, and I got to be out on one of my greatest of loves: the water. It seriously was amazing folks!

The 2nd boat in our group searching for the right spots to place their pots.

Z hauling in one of the pots...I'm pretty sure I only snagged a picture of one of our emptiest pots from the weekend. ;)

SHRIMP! Us ladies had the job of counting, bagging, and placing each person's limit on ice. (Each person only gets 80 shrimp per day and you can only have your pots in the water between 9am and 1pm.)

The view from the docks, the day we stopped for a leisurely breakfast in between putting in and pulling up pots.

Gorgeous view of the mountains, no?

Z showing me how to rake up the clams.

Me with some of our clam harvest.

The amazing view from my hotel room's balcony.  

Sunday morning I got in an early call to Mom for Mother's Day before we drove back for me to make the last half of Sunday brunch honoring Granny. It was great to spend some time with Dad's side of the extended family and it gave Granny and I a chance to finally chat about the recent changes in my life. While the conversation didn't start out like I'd hoped, in the end she was able to support and understand all the same. (Sometimes withholding the total truth of one's life in lieu of the "everything's all okay" facade can make it difficult for people to understand once the final veil of the facade is lifted....) Then per the recent norm, Tall D, housemate, my cousin, Z, another buddy and myself had our weekly Sunday evening get together, which actually took us back over to my aunt & uncles for an evening of pizzas and drinks on their amazing deck. 

All in all, the weekend was full of good food, good drinks, good people, and good times. To say that much sunshine and smiles occurred this weekend would be an understatement. Here's hoping the forecasted week of sunshine continues and that those smiles might stay in place also!

Wishing the best for you and yours!

PS Heather---you're the best for the card, thank you so much!

Split...and It Aint the Banana Kind

...although there is a container of Banana Split Tillamook ice cream in my freezer that continues to be steadily eaten away. But it's working toward official folks, Tall D (hub) and I will be no more. The conversation leading toward my knowledge of that decision occurred on Monday night and to say I didn't take the news very well is an understatement. I granted myself two full days off work in the middle of this week to grieve and despair. Ironically the timing couldn't have been much worse since we're smack dab in the midst of last minute event planning, it's mid terms, and Tall D's birthday was on Tuesday....however if there's one thing I'm continually learning, it's that life doesn't always go as planned....more on this in a second.

The one thing I have to say is that I am continually amazed and restored by the amount of love and support being bestowed upon me from near and far. Your blog comments bolstered me up and every day I've had numerous check-in texts from some of my dearest just to make sure I'm making it through that day okay. My good friends and some family have filled my time with happy hours, accompanying me on errands, and the occasional meal out. My brother (who also just recently divorced) even took a day off from work to hang out with a good friend and I--both of them wanting to ensure that I got out of bed. The friends of Tall D have offered me kind words and encouragement, and the guys who work in the center with me have all offered their own bits of kindness in their own ways. Both my supervisors found me coverage for my jobs--no questions asked. And even my landlord has offered her support when advised of the upcoming living arrangement changes. Even in the midst of my sadness, anger, and grief, I recognize that I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate. (And to be honest, I've been glad to see Tall D's friends also keep him company in their own way too......)

To say that my emotions are all over the place is also an understatement. Its sad to see such a big chapter of life close...and it honestly makes me feel a sense of failure toward myself, although I also feel that I did everything possible to try to make the situation, the marriage....better, stronger, truer, something. I never in a million years would have ever expected to add the descriptor of "divorced" in connection to myself. I'm sad and nervous to lose the routine and comfort of what has been my life, but I also daily am noticing the regrowth of my inner strength. Its frustrating not only to be realizing how long I let someone treat me less than expected, but also to be faced with the reality of what is to come throughout the ending of this process. I'm appreciating the honesty that has been arriving though. But regardless, I face the future with some apprehension and with a very guarded heart.

The catch of course also is....that I'm turning 30 (and beyond the dogs, cats, & chickens) am sort of back to a place that I never expected to be---and that is re-acquainting with my desires/goals and having the opportunity to just think about life being whatever I want it to be. No more worrying about how someone else wants life to be. No more worrying all the time about making someone else happy---I can truly think about what it is that makes me....satisfied by life and I have the freedom to again pursue that. And yes, I have to pay the bills, but I also now have the freedom to move should I desire, or take a new job, or even just to let the dogs cuddle on the bed with me if I want. And honestly I'm ready for it---for some time...to just get to know me again.

And of course there are some of the regular big changes ahead that come with divorce. The filing, the things splitting, the creation and transferring of accounts (although most of that has remained split anyway). Tall D and housemate friend will move out in June sometime and a friend of mine, we'll call him Z, will be moving in. Z's already planning on helping me make some of the changes in the yard I've been wanting and one of the guys in the center came over the other day to draw out designs for a chicken coop/run that he, Z, and another guy will put together for me. The coop will make it much easier to travel some this summer, in between when I'll be teaching. On one of my bummer days this last week, I also finally bought a bunch of starts and seeds, so now I just need to get them in the boxes.

I don't expect that the many changes will be blissful, but I do hope that the changes will bring renewal and restoration.....because that's really all I can hope for right now.

Much love to you and yours---here's hoping it's sunny and blessed wherever you are!