Have You Seen the Face of Domestic Violence?

You may have been expecting another home post, but I wanted to share something else that is special to my heart and mind right now. Last week it came to my attention that a female I once attended school with had been stabbed to death in her shared home by her boyfriend. This particular individual was someone I didn't interact with much as a kid, but the reality of her death still disturbed me. She was a strong female (captain of a city rugby league), with a smile for the world, and the type of individual who does not fit what many would picture as a woman suffering from domestic violence.

I've never been one with the right words to discuss domestic violence and its one area of social work I've always known I could never effectively work in. Thus I turned to one of my dearest friends and asked if she would so kindly write a guest piece for me. Not only is Nancy an amazing friend but she has fairly self-lessly and passionately worked in the field of domestic violence for almost six years. Graciously she wrote the following and wrote it as if she was speaking to a fellow friend:

A definition of domestic violence is probably a good place to start. I'm often surprised by what imagery the term conjures for different folks. Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior that can include physical, psychological, sexual, economic, and emotional abuse, perpetrated by one person against an intimate partner with the goal of establishing and maintaining power and control (Oregon Coalition Against Domestic Violence).

Before going further I feel I need to make the obligatory statements, you may have heard it before, but if I don't do it, people will accuse me of being sexist and/or a man hater... Domestic violence happens to men and women (although 85% of the time violence in perpetrated by men against women and because of this I may use the word she for a survivor and he for an abuser). I call them survivors because in or out of an abusive relationship they are definitely surviving. Abuse occurs across all racial, ethnic, socio-economic, age, and religious groups. However, as a service provider we usually see the most economically disadvantaged folks, because they do not have the same kinds of resources to achieve safety.

Domestic violence comes in many shapes and forms, though through the lens of pop culture and the sensationalization of the news media, many think of it in terms of physical violence only. The Duluth Model Power & Control Wheel does a really good job of illustrating what abuse can look like. Abuse usually starts out small and can seem insignificant. Sometimes the jealousy a partner uses as an excuse for their behavior can even flatter us and make us feel protected or cared for, but abuse often escalates over time in both frequency and severity.

The question people most often ask is "why doesn't she leave?" While I'll attempt to do this question justice, my caveat is that it is not the victims responsibility to end the abuse, but it is the responibility of the perpetrator. The answer to the question however is complex. Leaving is the single most dangerous time for a survivor. In Oregon we have had what seems like an outbreak of homicides connected to domestic violence. In most of those cases, the victims (victims, when they are no longer surviving) had left or attempted to leave the relationship. Given the danger, it is amazing how many survivors do leave. When someone leaves an abusive relationship they don't just leave their partner, they often have to cut ties with friends, family, and communities in order to attain safety. Leaving an abusive relationship prompts many difficult decisions. Survivors must attain housing, employment, childcare, transportation, and it all must be done away from the abusers network and community in order to try and maintain safety. Survivors face incredible barriers when leaving, including the complexity and sacrifice of making a new life, and the difficulty in actually achieving safety.


There are many "red flags" or "warning signs" of an abusive relationship. Although the presence of one sign does not necessarily indicate an abuser, the more signs there are the more likely a person is an abuser and some of the warning signs are abuse in and of themselves:
1. Jealousy
2. Controlling behavior
3. Push for quick involvement or committment to the relationship
4. Unrealistic expectations
5. Isolation
6. Past battering
7. Blames others for problems
8. Rigid gender roles
9. Cruelty to animals or children
10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality
11. Verbal abuse
12. Threats of violence
13. Breaking or striking objects
14. Force in sex
15. Any force during an argument
16. Stalking behavior

If you have questions or concerns about your partners' behavior and want to talk to someone, you should feel free to contact your local hotline. Don't know your local hotline number? You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They can connect you to local programs and have translators available.

Finally, a lot of people feel at a loss when someone they care about finds themselves in an abusive relationship. If you know someone who is being abused the best thing you can do is to believe them. Don't minimize or try to explain away abusive behavior, as chances are the person is already doing that and it will only reinforce the idea that s/he is somehow responsible for the violence. Let them know you are concerned for their safety and tell them it is not their fault. Many survivors turn to family and friends before they reach out to agencies, so ask what you can do to support them and respect their decisions. They know their partner and situation best, and are the best judge of what will be safe for them. If they do decide to leave, continue to offer whatever support you can. It may mean accompanying them as they seek out assistance from the legal system, seek financial assistance from a state agency, or reach out to a domestic violence agency.
 
MANY THANKS TO NANCY! Domestic violence is such a sad and sensitive topic, and she covered it much better and professionally than I would have been able to do. Please if you know of someone in an abusive relationship, offer to help them in any way you can and let's continue to combat the stigmas and stereotypes that exist in the world.