It's sunny outside but its just one of those days when a stockpile of hormones and emotions land. These types of days for the most part are far and few inbetween--at least I like to think and hope so.
I've felt the emotions coming on for the last week and was hoping to negotiate an extra afternoon off from work just to process, enjoy a bit of extra freedom, and have time to take care of a few errands that needed to be completed during work day hours. Unfortunately the extra time wasn't available due to needs at work and we're headed into a pretty busy two month stretch. So its no surprise that this morning I've felt in a bit of a funk.
My thoughts and heart have been all over the place the last week and 24 hours. Breaking for coworkers and close friends who have sent/are sending their loved ones off to war. Guilty frustration at working full time, with hub's crazy schedule each month, and at even feeling guilty frustration when we're so blessed to have the opportunities we do. Apprehension at the four years ahead as we transition back to Oregon-what that means financially, socially, occupationally, in marriage, and many other things. Sadness at changing friendships, lack of local social support, and not wanting to burden those who do care with concerns that really are so minimal in the larger scheme. Physical annoyance at having daily afternoon headaches and off/on fever for two weeks, varying hormones as the body still adjusts to contraception, and decreased running motivation due to the heat. And I'm sure there are other tidbits that aren't worth sharing here. ;)
BUT....nothing frustrates me more than being frustrated when I know that I am so blessed. Compared to 90% of the population on this planet, I really don't have much I should feel frustrated by. My housing and health care are provided. I have a job that I actually love. I have amazing family and fabulous friends, even if there is distance between us. I married a man that I unconditionally love and who I am continually in awe of his capacity for hard work and duty. This man who married me somehow loves me through all my frustrations. I had the opportunity to be educated, to choose if/when I want to reproduce, and I have never been forced to try drugs, have sex, nor really do much that I didn't want to do. I have a reliable vehicle and two functioning legs/lungs to get where I need to go. My debts are minimal and manageable. I'm staring at a closet full of clothes, the kitchen is full of food, entertainment options are endless, and laying next to me are three furry creatures who want nothing more than to get and give love.
So I am focusing on other coping mechanisms besides complaining. Several uncommon text exchanges with my mother let me shed a few tears and then end on humor as our family is so prone to do. This honest blog posting exposes my heart and processes my thoughts. Appreciation and focusing on what I do have stills my soul. Good music on Pandora and a stiff drink. A few pats and scratches for the animals. A note to Granny to brighten her mailbox with love. And now staring at my closet and weeding out items that will fill the work clothes need of a dear friend back home who is feeling financially strapped.
Maybe not the most cheerful post ever...but authentically and simply....me...and really there's not much else I can be.
1 comment:
Hey Elizabeth,
I've already talked with you a little about this but I wanted to actually comment on here. I am really glad that you wrote this post- that's being authentic with who you are and it's a way to process all that you're feeling. There is nothing wrong with FEELING what you're FEELING.
I don't think feeling wacked out from all those hormones means you don't think you're blessed. While I firmly believe that life is bigger than us (and someone always has it worse)... it is okay to feel how we are. I think God also uses those time to challenge us and make us stronger.
And in His way, He was reminding you of all the good things in life too.
Hope you feel better cousin. Know that I'm always thinking about you and love you soooo much.
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