Over the course of the last week I have started thinking again about communication styles. It has come to my attention through my professional and personal life that communication styles have a lot to do with the strength of a relationship. There are the verbal people, the nonverbal people, the wait-think-and talk people. The fighters, the silent treatment types, the letter writers. And then there are those instances when what you think you communicated or what you think you heard really wasn't the intended message.
This last one we deal with a lot at work. When kids "blow out" we say that they are sending us a big message, but, our belief, is that they do not have the skills, emotions, or cognitions in place to truly communicate "correctly" how they are feeling. How often do adults have that same initial gut reaction? What we really want to do is honk the horn, scream, cry, elude, etc when intense emotions first impact us, but through experience and training, we generally have learned how to handle most of our emotions.
But what do we do when we realize that the way we communicate doesn't function with the way that someone else communicates? Who's needs should be the one met? Should we alter our communication style to try to meet the needs of the other or should we hope that some day common ground can be obtained? If we aren't true to how we communicate then are we really getting our message across? And for this I'm not necessarily talking about fights, I'm talking about just general everyday normal conversation.
We all process communication differently based upon our own schema or previous experiences, thus when someone makes a comment to me, it is entirely possible that I may internalize it differently based upon my own experiences. This occurs for those to whom I am talking also. This happens again and again with one individual in my personal life and I don't know how to change it.
So dear readers, how DO we change it? Or is it possible to alter communication patterns? I suppose maybe this is why couples therapy and family therapy are so popular, as they work a lot with reframing communication patterns. But can good relationships only exist then between those with similiar communication patterns? I'm interested in what YOU have to say.... :-)
3 comments:
Good communication can happen when people stop talking and listen. A willingness to try to see things from another perspective also helps. According to Myers-Briggs testing, my sweetie and I are polar opposites that should hardly get along. Understanding that we view the world very differently has helped us stay together for almost 20 years.
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I suppose if we truly want to hear and be heard, to connect, find sustenance in relationship, then we might want to alter our style to fit the situation. Not that it's easy, but humans are wonderfully creative, so it can't be impossible.
My spouse is the silent-retreat type and I the advance-talk type. Still, it's been 24 years (9 dating, 15 married), mostly a joy.
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