So......
Today I've been battling lots of internal thoughts based primarily on trying to differentiate who I've been versus who I am right now in this moment versus where I'm going with life, with my values, with what is important to me these days. I don't know if other people quite question and judge themselves as much as I sometimes feel I do, but I feel like I go through these periods of self-analysis on a fairly circular basis. So it came as no surprise that by the end of today I wasn't sure that I wanted to look in the mirror.
I feel like I should be making a list of all my environmental transgressions even though I know people will just tell me not to beat myself up. But sometimes it's hard to transition from taking so many steps in the "right" direction only to wind up having to reverse some of those. Although "having to" is quite an interesting term in itself.
So what are some of the things I'm beating myself up about these days?
-I went shopping and bought numerous clothing items just because I could, not because I needed it, and I don't even know that I truly even wanted them...other than the fact that I hadn't had the opportunity to go to this particular store in 6 years. (Although I have to say that I've pretty much worn every single piece numerous times since I bought them so they're definitely going to put in their CPU (cost per use!)).
-I'm a little anxious to take the MAX into my neighborhood and walk the blocks home after my late night class two nights a week...so I've been driving to campus twice a week. I've discovered the most frugal parking option but I still feel guilty driving more.
-I've spent a lot of time eating/going out in the last month and this is something that I began to see creeping in more frequently during last term as well. While I definitely enjoy being out with my friends (and as we all live spread throughout the city and suburbs it's easier to rendezvous somewhere), I still feel at times that it's a lot of money down the drain.
-I've also seen myself cutting corners in some other behaviors that used to be so ingrained and buying lots of little random things that I usually would have chosen to forgo.
I guess I'm facing once again how hard it is to live in the city and be a participating member of society and still live a lifestyle that I feel is most beneficial to the planet and to others. I do feel that there continue to be lots of positive behaviors, but it's always the ones I'm falling down on that stick out foremost in my mind. Maybe it's all that Puritan guilt....
So here's to still trying to live a life that is lighter on the planet, even as I engage in re-analysis of what that should/can look like at this particular moment in my life. It's sort of a balancing of the scales again. I just always feel I should compensate for those that don't do anything.....
3 comments:
You are only responsible for YOU!! You can encourage and "prod" others to join you, but ultimately we all make our own decissions. As for your own decissions, it sounds like you are still operating within your convictions-- just maybe not to the degree you would like. Relationships are important too, and so is personal safety. Sometimes they come with a cost: time, money, frustrations, etc. Most of the time it is worth the cost!
Every day is a new day! So do today what you can to meet your goals, and don't worry about yesterday--it is over and done.
You are doing an amazing job, and inspiring MANY of us to join in to some degree or another.
Hang in there and keep taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, one goal at a time.
Hugs and Love,
shannon
Don't ever shortcut yourself when it comes to safety. Your health and well-being are priceless! If you are feeling unsafe leaving a night class, then by all means, you should drive yourself! Find somewhere else to cut back, but not on that one!
Excellent post --- much to think about. Sometimes it is difficult to put everything into perspective, and self evaluation is generally helpful. Here are my 'words of wisdom' from the perspective of my own experience and self-analysis:
*be patient with yourself; do your best and let it rest.
*perfection is a harsh taskmaster, but excellence inspires and can be achieved
*do something every day that is of service to someone else; this simple act helps us keep life in perspective
*find a outlet (like blogging) to promote causes you feel are important; be faithful in practicing what you believe in, but remember that change takes time, for yourself and others -- be kind to both when shortfalls happen
*find a hobby that you love and that doesn't cost anything (at least once established); for example --- photography replaces shopping for me and I am immensely satisfied without the urge to buy something I really don't need
Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts always help me re-evaluate
my own values. Working together to make change is what it's all about.
LaTeaDah
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